Brett Favre Is A Bitch

I'm a Vikings fan, so I apologize in advance for any and all homerism contained within this rant. But my team lost last night because our QB is a fucking bitch.

I know that Brett Favre has started four zillion straight games. We only hear about it going in and out of every fucking commercial break. I couldn't start that many games in a row (or even one) and remain intact, and I'm well aware of that fact. BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT DOES GIMPY MCDEERSTAND MILK EVERY GODDAMN DRIP OUT OF THAT FUCKING RECORD.

No one has ever gotten more mileage out of his nagging injuries than this asshole. It all started last night when Favre got dragged down on a play and ran over to the sidelines hobbling on "the ankle." Al Michaels spoke repeatedly of "the ankle," because you, the viewer, should be on a fucking first-name basis with all of the Land Baron's injuries by now.

Then they cut to Favre on the sidelines staring at game stills and waving off the trainer, and then Al threw it down to Andrea Fakelashes and she was like, "Brett wouldn't talk to the trainers! HE'S SUCH A FUCKING TURBOSTUD DURRRRRR CREAMED PANTIES!" Then Favre went right back out onto the field and threw a goddamn pick, one of three last night, with surely more to come on his Charity Dick Six Farewell Tour. Fucking COCK.

And what does Favre do after that pick? He hobbles off the field, of course. He hobbles openly, so that it can be noted by Al and Cris so that you, the viewer at home, understand that it was totally the ankle's fault. (Or Randy Moss's or Percy Harvin's. Normally, I really like Cris Collinsworth. But he bent over backward and kissed his own asshole last night to tell you that Moss and Harvin were out of position on two of those picks that were clearly bad decisions. Meanwhile, Collinsworth is CRUSHING Aaron Rodgers for missing out routes on the other side of the ball. Favre is like fucking announcer kryptonite. He'll reduce even the best analyst to a slobbering idiot.) Favre has been pulling this shit for two decades now. He makes a shithead play, then grabs an assorted body part to let you know that yes, he threw that pick. BUT YOU'RE LUCKY HE'S EVEN OUT THERE, GUTTING ONE OUT FOR YOU.

And the announcers fall for this shit EVERY time. Every time. It's ridiculous. Especially when he looks fine five minutes later. Last night, I heard Al Michaels comment at least two times that "the elbow" looked great (again, first-name basis). They loooove telling you that Favre looks great throwing the ball despite an injury. NOTHING WRONG WITH THE ELBOW ON THAT PLAY! Favre wants to use the injury as an excuse when he fucks up, and then he wants the injury played up as icing to whatever futile catch-up TD he throws five minutes later. LOOK EVERYONE! IT'S A MIRACLE! HE'S STILL GOT SOME BULLETS LEFT IN THE GUN! HE'S BRAVER THAN ANNE FRANK! Look at the gumption he displayed hobbling out of his own press conference after his coach nailed him to the wall!

Remember: Favre is the guy who passed along photos of his bruised ankle (from the NFC title game) to the SNF crew before the season opener against New Orleans. He clearly wanted those photos shown on national TV just so you knew how courageous he had been for standing in harm's way. And so that, when he comes up gimpy after a fumble, you know precisely where to the lay the blame.

I'm sick of him trying to have it both ways. Are you hurt, you fuck? Then come out of the goddamn game and let Tarvaris Jackson make a few surprising plays before inevitably reverting back to being Tarvaris Jackson. If you wanna stay in, quit relaying excuses to the suckers in the booth. Clearly, you're using the size of your fucking cortisone shots to compensate for other things. I kept expecting Favre to grab his dick after a pick last night so Al could say, "Oop! Look at that! The Sterger controversy is clearly getting to him, Cris."

Any coach with half a nutsack would have benched that fucker in the first half against the Jets. It's now at the point where I really hope Goodell suspends Favre, just so I don't have to watch him "gut out" another pick-laden choke job. Because I'm sick of seeing my team led by the toughest pussy around.