This...this is pretty much the most blatant betrayal in the history of sports. We've all watched, rapt, as Ochocinco's pregnant pigeon escaped, returned, and finally gave birth. But we were all hoodwinked by Chad's dastardly deception. J'accuse!
Let me compose myself. Perhaps I am to blame for being so naive. But who would ever expect a man who legally changed his name to a pseudo-Spanish number to lie?
There were warning signs, sure. Chad referred to his pregnant pigeon's swollen nipples, which is certainly a clear sign of pregnancy. But I just got off the phone with the Audubon Society, and they informed me that pigeons, not being mammals, don't even have nipples.
A few days later, Chad Tweeted a photo of the expectant mother. It turned out that the photo was the first result of a Google image search for "pregnant pigeon."
Then today, when Chad Tweeted the first photo of Paco and Fifi, his pigeon's babies. Reader Pete writes in to tell us that, once again, the image comes from the first page of a Google image search.
Strike three Chad. You're caught out.
I can't believe I trusted you. I invested so much emotionally in the well-being of your avian wards that, now that it's all revealed as a ruse, I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a kid learning there is no Santa, or a believer losing faith in God.
Today, God is dead. And Chad Ochocinco killed him.