Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Before we get to the Jamboroo, a public service announcement. On the heels of Tuesday's funbag, reader Tyler shares this story about a VICIOUS SQUIRREL attacking his wife:
A while ago, a bitch-ass squirrel attacked my wife, but it did not knock her down, seeing as how she is a tough Scottish broad and all (see picture above). She was taking out the trash to our dumpsters (like a good house frau), and when she opened the dumpster lid, it was a rabies jack in the box. She was shaken, but still standing. I've never been more proud.
GAH!!!! It drew blood!
People, this is an epidemic. These rabies jack-in-the-boxes could kill all our women and children, and anyone else we make take out the trash for us because we're too lazy. Don't think it can happen to you? IT CAN AND WILL. Squirrels are a menace, and they must be dealt with.
In related news, it's Halloween weekend! Oooooh… SPOOOOOOKY! SPOOOKYYYYY!!!
Do I pre-emptively eat at least ten Reese's cups from our candy bowl before the trick or treaters begin to arrive? FUCK AND YES, I do. No way I'm counting on there to be leftovers in that bowl.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Texans at Colts: No Dallas Fucking Clark means no more third and longs where Peyton is jussssssst about sacked before flipping it to DFC for a backbreaking forty-yard gain. OR DOES IT?!
/fears Blair White
I believe this is the first year that the NFL has decided against tabling a Sunday or Monday Night game in deference to the World Series. And may I just say, IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME. I for one look forward to both this game and Steelers/Saints tripling the World Series ratings and then sending senile old baseball people (or Barry) into a tizzy. BY GAR, WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE? IT'S THE FALL CLASSIC! D'OHHHH MY ACHING PANCREAS!
Has anyone explained yet why pitchers wear jackets when they're on the base paths? They look like pussies. Here, Cliff Lee. Don't forget to put on this training bra before you reach second! YOU COULD GET A BOOBOO!
Packers at Jets: GAHHHHHH SIX TEAM ARE ON BYE WEEKS NOW! God, that's awful. I have nothing else to say about it except that it's awful and terrible and I wish the Bears were one of those bye week teams every week.
Steelers at Saints: The SNF crew got very excited for the potential Halloween costumes in the Superdome for this game. I will be very disappointed if at least a thousand Saints fans don't dress up as a bathroom stall partition covered in dried skeet. Because if there's one town in America where you can find dried skeet to apply to a Halloween costume, it's New Orleans.
And if Al Michaels calls it New Or-lee-uns one more time, please skeet on him.
Titans at Chargers: The Chargers. Holy shit. It's like they don't even know the ball is meant to be picked up and carried. I bet Jacob Hester leaves his kid unattended for days at a time.
Vikings at Patriots: Phil Simms calls that Patriots the "Peetriots" on every broadcast. It's terribly grating. Oh, and New England will win this game by 97 touchdowns. And then I'll have to read dozens of articles about how the Patriots "are finally the Patriots" again. And then I'll run up to a church tower and begin throwing rocks at innocent bystanders.
And here's your self-serving Favre quote of the week:
"My mental state has always been, after an injury, to give it a try," Favre said. "It'd be easy to just go, 'Ah, I can't do it.' But once again, all the things that I've accomplished, so many great things that I've accomplished after injuries, and not necessarily the next week, but the whole year, it's basically to be willing to take it on."
Don't fucking break your arm patting yourself on the back, fuckface. Did you ever hear Steve McNair play up his injuries like this? No. Mainly because he's dead, but that's NOT THE POINT.
On an unrelated note, did you see the player intros for the NLCS on FOX? They were awful. They were like the SNF intros, only an even bigger waste of time. DURRR I'M PAT BURRELL AND MAH FAVORITE TEAM GROWIN' UP WAS THE ONE THAT BANGED THE MOST DRUNK CHICKS. If they adapt this style for NFL games, I'll fucking die.
Dolphins at Bengals: I like the word "passersby," because I think it's the only word I know that you pluralize in the middle of the word. That is fucking SWEET. What's that? You wanted information about football in here? I'm sorry, but you'll have to read Peter King's Marlins Report for that sort of thing.
Seahawks at Raiders: There desperately needs to be an "It Gets Better" series of videos for young heterosexual boys who can't get laid. I understand that gay kids committing suicide takes priority. I'm not trying to bogart their movement. But someone needs to make a series of videos telling 15-year-old Jimmy down the block that he WILL score some hot action one day. Because when you're that young and you can't get girls to give you the time of day, I swear you feel like you're gonna fucking grow old and die alone, never having been able to use your penis the way God intended. And no horny young boy should be forced to feel that way.
I really think the It Gets Better thing works for young people from all walks of life. For example, there could be a series of It Gets Better videos for bookish girls who aren't in the fancy cliques, but will one day get a makeover and grow tits and then look smoking fucking hot. Someone needs to let those girls know that's around the corner. You could also do one for fans of downtrodden teams. Except in the case of Oakland, where the message would have to be changed to It Gets Pretty Much The Same.
I feel like the potential of It Gets Better has yet to be fully tapped.
Bills at Chiefs: Holy shit, Ryan Fitzpatrick is alive with pleasure. And I like the beard on him, too. It's got that Civil War soldier quality to it. I appreciate that in my Harvard-educated football players. Matt Birk should grow one in solidarity.
Jaguars at Cowboys: I think this makes me a horrible person, but any time I see them cut to a player on my team injured on the field, and I can't make out the player's number or face clearly, the FIRST thing that pops into my head is, "Please don't be an important player. Please be some special teams asshole." And then if it does turn out to be some scrub special teams asshole who got his neck broken, I breathe an audible sigh of relief and become very impatient that the game has not been restarted.
Conversely, if a player on the OTHER team has a player go down, my first thought is, "Please be someone important." Again, I can't help it. The person is already injured. Nothing I can do about that. What's the harm in making sure it's who I WANT to be injured?
On a related note: Fuck Tony Romo in the golf hat. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Redskins at Lions: Donovan McNabb has a TD/INT ratio of 6/7. He's completing less than 60% of his passes. He has a passer rating of 76. His receivers drop shitloads of passes, but he was fucking horrid against Chicago. And yet, McNabb could be on the verge of becoming highly sought after in free agency (if there isn't a lockout). Look at the teams with immediate QB needs going into next year: Arizona, Oakland, Minnesota, San Francisco, Cleveland, Washington, Jacksonville, Buffalo (if Ryan Fitzpatrick turns back into his former self), and maybe Carolina. All of those teams will be fucked without a QB, and they could be competing with one another for McNabb and Michael Vick if they can't get a QB in the first round of the draft. McNabb could get rich mainly by default.
McNabb blows, but at least he blows LIKE A PRO. The Skins are 4-3 and look somewhat like a competent football team, and I'm sure more than a few NFL front offices will attribute that record to some magical intangible quality McNabb possess that other quarterbacks do not. HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN CHEMISTRY. McNabb hasn't signed an extension with Washington yet, and a looming lockout would be the only reason for him to sign one. I think a lot of people assume he'll just stay put in Washington (He's downplayed talk of leaving.). But I feel like if he really wanted to stick around, he would have signed on by now. I think he's got to have Arizona somewhere in the back of his mind.
Every week he doesn't makes it more likely that he'll just wait until free agency and then see who offers him the most money or the best situation (Again, Arizona). Personally, I'd like to see him sign with Chicago, just to see if Jay Cutler's head can actually be swallowed by his own neck.
Panthers at Rams: Our house got boo'ed the other day. This is when someone leaves a little bag of candy and toys on your doorstep, and you're supposed to do the same to another neighbor on the block, which is very neighborly. Anyway, I grab the bag and rip it open to dump the candy on the table so I can get to the Reese's before one of the kids can. And out onto the table lands a little spider. I thought this was very cute for them to include a plastic spider, so I go to grab it and it FUCKING MOVED BECAUSE IT WAS REAL AND MONSTROUS. And that completely freaked out my shit. I was like, "Well, isn't that the cutest little toy GAHHHH SPIDER ATTACK! SPIDER ATTACK! SOMEONE HAS SABOTAGED THE BOO BAG! FIENDS I'LL TEAR THEM APART!" I damn near jumped through the ceiling.
This was an accident, of course. Someone put the bag at our door, it stayed there overnight, and the spider crawled inside. But what if it WASN'T an accident? What if the booing was meant to deliver a much more sinister message? I AM WATCHING YOU, NEIGHBORS. Don't be surprised if you get a bag of cobras on your doorstep two days from now. I HAVE RIGHTS.
Bucs at Cardinals: I don't care for the Bucs Charity foundation names littering the walls at their home stadium. Every player has a little alliterative foundation that's plastered up on the wall: Josh's Juniors, Cadillacs Caregivers, Jerramy Stevens' Rape Kit Burning Center, etc. Having all these little foundations strikes me as incredibly inefficient. They should just have one charity. Like the United Way, only not a complete piece of shit. They're wasting precious ad space on their wall that a local Mercury dealer could totally capitalize on.
49ers vs. Broncos (in London): God, we keep sending the poor English the worst fucking matchups humanly possible. And now Tim Tebow's gonna go over there and try and tell everyone to stop drinking and clip a few pale foreskins. The UK desperately deserves flex scheduling.
What Is The Next DeMarcus Iteration?
I was watching DeMarcus Ware play on Monday and I was thinking that black people have added a lot of prefixes to the name Marcus: DeMarcus, LaMarcus, JaMarcus. I feel like there's a new Marcus prefix they're waiting to roll out, and I'm hoping I can predict it correctly. I went through the whole alphabet trying to figure out which ones would sound best, and which ones would sound uncommonly silly: BaMarcus, MaMarcus, NeMarcus (short for NeimanMarcus), RaMarcusable, etc. I think it'll be Q'Marcus. It has to be. I can't imagine HaMarcus beating it out.
HELLOWEEN SONG OF THE WEEK!
"I Want Out," by Helloween! It isn't Halloween without a clip from Germany's premiere 80's power metal band. Please note that nearly five million people have watched this video on YouTube. THE WORLD ADORES ITS HELLOWEEN AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
Pay careful attention to the video, particular the camera zooming right through lead singer Michael Kiske's mouth. "Beavis, these effects are not so special." Nothing in this video makes sense. It turns into a concert video in the last minute for reasons that escape me. I also like it when they cut to people jumping out of a pool on the word OUT. German video directors: very, very literal interpreters of music.
Embarrassing Song I Once Liked That Will Not Fire You Up
"Chains of Love" by Erasure. I still like this song. If they play it in a department store, I slow my gait towards the exit just so I can hear the chorus before I walk out into the main atrium.
Erasure singer Andy Bell is HIV positive. But even more interesting, he's HIV positive on purpose. Why? Because he's a fucking IDIOT. Here's a direct quote from an interview:
"You are going to think this strange, but I wanted to be HIV positive. I thought HIV was a touchstone of being gay."
No, HIV isn't a touchstone of being gay. Only Klansmen are stupid enough to believe that. There's only one touchstone of being gay, and that would be enjoying sex with other men. If you're gay, I strongly suggest you stay the fuck away from Andy Bell.
Asshole Fantasy Player Of the Week
Tony Romo, who had the GALL to let someone break his collarbone. And I bet Miles Austin will be fucking useless from now on because Jon Kitna had a Jesus hard-on for Roy Williams. IT'S NOT RIGHT. Austin should be the beneficiary of those inevitable garbage time TD's.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suggestions of New Orleans, Baltimore, and Seattle were 2-1, making me 9-6 on the season. Which means it's like I stabbed you five times over. Again, we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide as well. This week, the picks are Denver, Cincinnati, Kansas City, and dropping anything through the grate of the toaster oven. I do this at least once a week. I go to get something with the tongs, it eludes me, and it drops right down onto the heated coil. Then the whole goddamn kitchen smells like burning roadkill. Same with losing food between slots on the grill. It's horrible because not only do you lose precious food, but you feel like a complete klutz. There must be a better way.
/waits for Lifehacker reader to show me better way I'll never actually use
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Jaguars getting 6.5 points on the road against Dallas. Another Halloween, another year I break out the Goebbels costume. People, you do not mess with a classic. I got the straight hairline down pat. And those fuckers the Maxwells down the reef better have a decent supply of Jew taffy this year."
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 3-3-1
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Chris sends in this story I call I SHIT ON YOUR GRAVE:
When I was in the 7th grade I lived in a subdivision that bordered the downtown "Main Street" area of my small town. I used ride my stupid BMX bike around with my friends and cause trouble and do normal kid stuff. The problem with this area is none of the places on Main St. have public restrooms. I had gotten somewhat used to this on the walks home from school and knew how long I usually had before I was really in danger of dropping a load in my pants. Well one day my friends and I were on the other side of town because we heard about some wicked sweet bad ass dirt jumps and we were cool like that. After about an hour I realize that I can feel the rumble coming on and it's probably time to start heading back if I want to make it to my home toilet. About halfway I realized that I was in a race against time and that it was going to be a photo finish.
Another thing about my neighborhood, there are train tracks directly behind it, and from where I was coming from that means they were between me and my house.
I'm making good time and I was in between the waves of pant-shitting pain so things were looking up, when I hear the faint sound of the train and its whistle in the distance. I immediately start peddling as fast as I can knowing if I didn't get across those tracks before it gets there then I'll have to wait it out, a.k.a ruin my awesome new shorts I got from PacSun.
I decide its shortcut time and turn up through the graveyard. At the end of the graveyard there is a little 5-foot drop down and then a fence and about 10 feet to a set of 4 train tracks and on the other side, the sweet, sweet freedom of my home and toilet. When I near the ledge I face the grim reality that the train is actually moving way faster than I thought it would be and is already in view, I may be able to get down and the hill and get my bike over the fence but its way too close to chance getting hit by a train.
So I do what I have to do, I drop trou and just start shitting like crazy next to some bushes, FYI it is very hard to take a large explosive shit while trying to squat and balance. Now normally all the trains that would come through are long cargo trains carrying coal since this was in West Virginia, but as I squatted there shitting my 7th grade ass out I see as the train starts to pass that, no not this time, I was looking right into the windows of a passenger carrying Amtrak train and they were looking right back at me, which I'm sure just solidified whatever preconceived notions they already had about WV. I can only imagine what they thought seeing me pantless shitting in a graveyard. I finished up and tried to wipe with some leaves, but was horrified when I looked down to notice that even though I had thought I'd steered clear of any headstones I had shat only a couple feet in front of a small nameplate style grave site. I really, really hope no one came to pay their respects anytime soon after and thought someone had come and shat on their grandpa's grave.
Serves him right for taking up valuable real estate. You dead people think you can keep a little plot of land to yourself for the rest of eternity. Selfish pricks. The living have needs too, you know. We need your gravesite for evacuation, and getting stoned, and losing our virginity, and playing flashlight tag. Ever play flashlight tag in a graveyard? Endless fun.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Reader Brian hates Lovie Smith.
That boring, unemotional bastard tried his damndest to ruin my 28th birthday with his bullshit challenge (when Bennett was down at the 1), and then lack of challenge (Cutler's sneak at the goal line a few plays later) when it was clear to me - but not that fuckhead Aikman - that the ball broke the plane. He refuses to make Martz run the ball. He refuses to make Mike Tice do something besides stand on the sidelines looking like a neanderthal chewing his gum. God forbid they change their blocking scheme so Cutler doesn't get killed. I want to watch all three of them die in a fire.
Lovie challenges those accusations. No, wait! No, he doesn't. WAIT! HE DOES! He thinks.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Coffee cake! I am a coffee cake whore. You put a coffee cake in front of me, it's going down hard. I'll eat one slice, then another, then another. Then I'll pick off some of the iced pecans on top. Then I'll abandon all civility and dig straight into the rest with my fork. I don't care. Coffee cake turns me into a remorseless eating machine. I'm helpless against it. When I was in college, my roommate's mother would periodically ship him mail-order coffee cakes. They were reduced to rubble within seconds of opening the pack.
I bought a coffee cake mix for my kid last week. It was some Pillsbury one with cinnamon streusel in the center. So the kid and I whip up the batter and put it in the oven. Forty-five minutes later, I take it out and it's the sexiest thing I've ever laid eyes on. I ask my kid if she wants any and she says NO. She pisses off to watch TV and I'm left alone with this masterpiece. I don't waste any time. I plow through the fucker and discover that I failed to cook it all the way through. There's a big wad of batter in the center.
Now, I guess undercooking a cake like this is "bad," in theory. In reality, it's fucking unreal. Not only do I have a coffee cake to myself, but it has its own tunnel of raw batter on the inside. THAT'S QUALITY FILLING. If no one had been around, I would have spread it all over my body. Coffee cake was forged by the Gods.
Gametime Halloween Candy Of The Week
100 Grand Bar. Oh, 100 Grand. How I adore you. You don't see much of the old girl anymore, but when you do… ECSTASY. If they made a peanut butter 100 Grand bar, I'd take a personal day just to spend time with it.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
LAZY MUTT! The beer that comes in an eight pack! Because eight is more than six! Reader Jon writes in:
This weekend was our annual guys trip and we decided to head to Lambeau Field for the festival of Favre (turns out if you go to the game you don't have to listen to all the Favre cocksuckery). Anyhow, pre-game we picked up 2 six packs of Lazy Mutt Farmhouse Ale which are really 8 packs. The 8 pack gimmick is that since they are man's best friend, you get 2 extra beers, but in reality you get 2 extra beers because licking the top of Ed Werder's balding head would taste better. We even gave a bottle to a guy from who had flown in from New Zealand and he sad it tasted like rat piss, and my experience with New Zealanders is that they'll drink pretty much anything.
The Minhas family strikes again! Is the dog dead on the label? Or is he just laying spread eagle for a good ticklin'? It would be cooler if he were dead. I MUST HAVE IT. You ever tickle a dog in that position and feel like he's trying to get you to give him a handjob? You can't fool me, Sparky. I know you want that happy ending, but I'm a professional. I also feel very awkward brushing against a dog's little teats when I'm scratching his belly. Feels awfully personal.
I like the idea of eight-packs. But why stop there? In theory, you could even develop "12-packs" or "cases" of 24 or even THIRTY beers. WHAT A TREAT THAT WOULD BE!
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is still Tom Brady of the Patriots! Now, let me take you on a tour of WOODLAND, my Los Angeles estate. CREATIVE HUB OF THE FILM INDUSTRY.
"This house has played far too big a role in my life. It's been host to kings, queens, politicians, movie stars, mobsters, Playmates, drug lords, CEO's, Presidents, supermodels, and David Brenner. They've all walked my acres! Stunning? YOU BET! Parisian? MORE THAN PARIS ITSELF! Over there is the parlor. Sidney Korshak had a man beaten to death right on that chaise lounge. What a moment! And over there is the garden. Ali McGraw walked into that garden decades ago, and she didn't leave until she was Mrs. Robert Evans, and then the former Mrs. Robert Evans, and then Mrs. Steve McQueen, and then the former Mrs. Steve Queen, and then Mrs. Allan Goldstein, DDS! In fact, I think she's still in the garden now. Weird girl.
"And take a look at this. This is the snooker table where I first made love to Mamie Van Doren. EVANS BALL! CORNER POCKET!
"And the grand piano. It was a gift from Phyllis George after we divorced. I used to play it for her while she told me stories of Jimmy the Greek trying to fingerrape her on the CBS set. Sexy? YOU BET! I've had many a starlet on this piano. You should see the look on the tuner's face every time he comes around! ‘Evans,' he tells me, ‘Ya can't tune out panties!' You sure can't, tough guy."
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bills Fans
Dracula, the 1931 Spanish version. When they made the original Dracula with Bela Lugosi in English, they made a concurrent Spanish version using the same sets, costumes, script, and blocking. About the only thing different about this version is that it's in Spanish, with Spanish actors. But I swear, the fact that it's in Spanish makes it a thousand times more badass. Dracula is just that much smoother a Latin lover. They showed this to my Spanish class when I was a kid. And it was the only time they showed me a movie in Spanish class when I actually paid attention. Here's the Wikipedia entry:
The Spanish language version of Dracula was made by director George Melford who simultaneously filmed the movie using the same sets at night. Of the cast, only Carlos Villarías was permitted to see 'dailies' of the English-language film and was encouraged to be as "Lugosi-like" as possible.
In recent years this version has become more highly praised by some than the English language version. The Spanish crew had the advantage of watching the dailies from the English crew's version when they came in for the evening and they would figure out better camera angles and more effective use of lighting in an attempt to "top" it. As a result, this version's supporters consider it to be much more artistically effective.
I think every movie should have a cheap Mexican crew ready to reshoot every scene at night. It just makes sense.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"I have a question for Apu de Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Capri Anderson (very NSFW). Capri was the girl Charlie Sheen locked in a closet in New York. But if you've seen the closets at the Mandarin Oriental, you know what a luxurious punishment that is.
-For the gals: TexasGal sends in this photo of Carlos Bocanegra, captain of the USMNT. Spicy!
Enjoy the games, everyone. Happy Halloween.