Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Today in the Kevin Garnett moral panic: J.A. Adande goes all Illness as Metaphor on your asses; Andrew Sharp says lay off; Dan Shaughnessy does an Andy Rooney bit; Marcel Mutoni yawns; Bill Simmons awaits the video; and Twitter finds a new meme. Meanwhile, Adrian Wojnarowski has not yet risen from his fainting couch.
• Derek Jeter's value to the Yankees "cannot be overstated," his agents says. Ha.
• Brad Childress continues to work through his Napoleon complex.
• Antoine Walker testifies in his home-invasion case:
At one point the men wrapped duct-tape around his body and neck to restrain him; at another, they asked him for help starting his car - which they were trying to steal, Walker testified.
• Racehorses are swallowing concoctions of baking soda, sugar, and electrolytes. Throw in a diuretic for the superfecta box.
• In Australia, does peanut butter swirl counter-clockwise? (Warning: This story is gross.)
Image via commenter TangoEchoXray
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