A Very Special Edition Of The Funbag: Your Questions, Answered By A Woman!

Good afternoon! I'm taking a brief break from lady-wrangling over at Jezebel so that I may have the pleasure of filling in for Drew today. Because while his funbags are considerable, mine are better.

Speaking of Drew:

ColombianBoy89:

Say if I were in a bar and trying to pick a male deadspin staffer, I'm a male, which one would take the bait? In simple words, rate the male deadspin staffers from most likely to fool around with a dude to least likely.

Most likely to take the bait would be Drew; you're stuck with me because he's flailing around Rio right now, high on ass. And then AJ would be the runner up for experimentation, because he tends to be up for anything, and I think he might be spooning Drew like little ying-yang kittens as we speak.

Moving along!

Bart:

Since you're a woman, I'm sure you can answer this humdinger for me. I'm not going to get into details but I've hit a drought with the ladies for the last year. I'm 29, known to be a nice guy, go to the gym to keep the semi-six-pack going, and make a pretty decent amount of money. Yet women in general seem uninterested. I have a 30yr roomate who has a very short fuse and enjoys making people cringe, 5'10 and 300+ lbs, and has had a much younger, about a 7 outta 10 girlfriend to pay his bills for the last year... Should I just quit my job now and go from there???

First off, I'm sorry your bed is empty at night. I know that's tough when you actually want a relationship or, at the very least, a warm female body to reassure you that you've still got game. But beyond that, you've got some work to do because if this email is any indication, you're the type to blame others for your predicaments. Your roommate sounds like a real gem, but is he blaming you for his weight or temper issues? Probably not, because he's regularly getting laid, which suggests that he's man enough to own up to whatever problems he has. Maybe you're the one making people cringe? Because this email makes me cringe. Be nice, enroll in therapy, and leave your roommate's Doritos alone.

Zach:

If you could hang out with any fictional talking animal, who would it be?

You.

Andy:

I'm interested in getting a woman's perspective on this question: I'm a stay-at-home dad, and my preschool-aged daughter loves Disney's "The Little Mermaid". One day while watching it, I idly questioned why if the storm that brings Ariel and Eric together was strong enough to sink his ship but not strong enough to break Ariel's seashell bra. My daughter thought this was a hilarious question and told her mother. Mom found it slightly less amusing. Then when we went camping at the beach a few weeks ago, we found a large, intact clamshell which I joked with my daughter would make a perfect bra if she wanted to play dress-up as Ariel. Now my wife says we have to find a new movie or start telling our daughter stories about Ariel taking calculus while Prince Eric rules his kingdom because she doesn't want Ariel to be our daughter's role model. I agree that a girl needs strong role models (and my daughter need look no further than her mother, who has an engineering Ph.D.), but that is for later when my daughter isn't into princesses and make-believe so much. Plus I think my wife is skeezed out by my comments about a 16-year-old, animated, fictional mermaid's choice of lingerie. Can you settle this for us?

A Very Special Edition Of The Funbag: Your Questions, Answered By A Woman!S

Well, Andy, I was about to notify my long-suffering boyfriend (note how I dropped that, fellas? Sly, right? So much easier than telling you that no, I will not blow you) that you are now on my List, because so many happy hours of my childhood were spent watching and rewatching the The Little Mermaid and yet I NEVER thought about why the seashell bra was so strong! I love that kind of critical thinking! So I read this question and immediately thought, Oh, this guy is awesome. Will bang ASAP.

But about two seconds later it occurred to me: what kind of father reads Deadspin? Or talks about seashell bras with his daughter? Get it together, friend. If she's old enough to find your bra joke funny, she's old enough for you to be emotionally distant. And this sort of daddy-daughter banter is heading down a bad path, honestly. Best to start becoming unavailable now, before she doesn't want a damn thing to do with you. And she won't just as soon as she realizes how fucked up it is that you're even saying the word "bra" to her. It's only a matter of time before her friends tell her they don't want to go to her birthday sleepover because her creepy dad Fritzl will be there.

Sheed's Bald Spot:

Why are the commenters at Jezebel so aggressive when I try to throw a little levity into the conversation? I think I'm doing it wrong. For future's sake, what's the female equivalent of a Travis Henry joke?

I think you're doing it wrong too, because you mean Chris Henry, right? And there's no equivalent joke, because each and every human life is precious. Ladies don't die sickly comic deaths; we tragically overdose or die of consumption.

Oh, maybe you do mean Travis Henry? Okay, yeah, sorry — lady version is Octomom.

As for what you're doing wrong with some Jezebel commenters: there's like a million of them, and they are genuinely diverse bunch, so who knows with whom you've interacted or why some of them can't stand you. But I suspect you're confusing levity with offensiveness — it's a tough line to toe, and missteps are common. I've made quite a few myself. I'm probably making them right now. If you really care and are well-meaning, you can always start a new account and try to win 'em over. But really, if you want to mingle with the ladies, you don't go and toilet-paper the sorority house. You meet the sisters at the bar. Translated: Cut to the chase and sign up for OKCupid.

Scott:

My buddy was recently told by his doctor to drink metamucil for a stomach issue he was having. After a few days of him talking non stop about how awesome his shits had become I bit the bullet and picked up some for myself. It says to drink three glasses a day but that sounded terrifying so I began drinking one glass daily when I got home from work. It took about four days to kick in but the results are nothing short of miraculous. No more beer shits. No more burning asshole after eating spicy food. Even wiping has become a precautionary measure. I don't know how old people have been keeping this a secret for so long but it's amazing.

This is not a secret. Fiber makes for nice, regular poops. Metamucil is a gentle colon blow to the heart. Speaking of colon blows, as an aside I'd like to thank the dude who sent me the spectacular photo of his two-toned shit not 10 minutes after it was announced that I'd be filling in. Always good to have a .jpg like that at the ready.

John:

So, I had a day off of work recently and decided to go to the grocery store and grab a snack. I hadn't shaved because I had nobody to impress, and I had a hankering for some cup o' noodles. I get to the store, find a couple of tasty roast chicken flavored noodles and head into the line. It isn't until its my turn that I realized there was a 99% chance the three people behind me in line looked at me, noodles in hand, unshaven, flip-flops, t-shirt and gym shorts and thought "Damn recession. This poor guy has no job and all he can afford is a few cups of noodles." Needless to say I got the hell outta there before any of my clients walked in and saw me.

Do you want me to tell you that it's totally okay to look like hell and still leave the house? Hold on, let me run to the office bathroom and look in the mirror…yeah, my face says it's okay, and it's not even my day off. So yes, it's okay to behave like a hungover college freshman. We never really mature past that point anyhow.

But wait! There's something deeper going on here. Why are you so concerned with what complete strangers think of you? So what if they think you've got no job? You're employed enough to afford noodles, and you know it. Moreover, people are never thinking about you as much as you're thinking about you. Not just because human beings are naturally self-centered, but because if this question is any indication, you're kind of boring. I'm sorry. For being harsh, and for your life.

When_you_get_the_money_you_get_the_Micah_Hoffpauir:

How many guys, on average, does your typical girl "save for later"? And by that I mean, lead on, slow play, etc. just in case.

Hm. Save for later? Most ladies I know are going to cut to the chase if that's what all parties are looking for. Granted, I travel in wild slut packs. Nevertheless, any woman worth fucking shouldn't be leading on someone whom she has no intention of ever fucking. Unless she's particularly lonely and feeling desperate (and no judgment there; we've all had moments where we're looking for some kind of reassurance — yeah, I'm being sincere here, go to hell), in which case she's less likely to be confident (read: fun) in bed. But I'm talking purely about "leading on" in this case.

But there is another possibility: the chance, depending on your worth as a human being, that she's actually interested in you and doesn't want to be written off as a random lay. If she likes you, she may wait a bit because she's in a more vulnerable position simply by giving a shit about you, and self-preservation is often emotionally necessary. If you're not totally tone deaf and pick up on that vibe, show her you care and blah blah you know where this is going.

Okay — halftime, right?

God, I love that song.

John:

Workplace sex, yea or nay? The idea of sneaking down and getting a little snoo snoo is amazingly appealing to me, but that might be a purely male attitude.

Personally? I work about two feet from the Deadspin staff and I don't want their airborne MRSA anywhere near my underpants. But this is not a purely male fantasy, not by a long shot. Sneaking around can be hot. And if you're not happy in your job, there's an element in there that's like hatefucking your employer, which can be quite satisfying.

PDH:

What would you say is the proper way to speak to a porn star if you notice one in public? I spotted Brandy Talore (spelled differently depending on which site you're on) some time back in Vegas. I initially saw her when checking in, but couldn't quite place where I'd seen her. After she had walked off it struck me we'd had spent a few lonely nights together unbeknownst to her. A couple of days into my trip I saw her getting off the elevator with some dude. So I said, "hey Brandy, I enjoy your work." She said thanks and gave me an awkward ass-out, one arm hug. Is there a proper greeting?

Awkward ass-out hugs are pretty much the only hug any girl, porn star or otherwise, is going to give a guy she barely knows. Do women normally throw their arms around you? Probably not, unless your last name is Gyllenhaal. And such stranger-on-stranger affection is all the less likely if you've just told the lady you've enjoyed beating off to her. But you seemed to approach the situation well enough that maybe some of the gentlemen here would appreciate you sharing your secret.

Darcy:

I have a girlfriend, Girl A. She is friends with Girl B and C, who are also best friends. Girl B had sex with my best friend while they both had significant others. Fast forward to now, GIrl C is now having sex with my best friend while he has a new girlfriend. Now Girl B is pissed and publicly condemns Girl C about it all the time with names that rhyme with slore, bunt, and rut, even though she did exactly the same fucking thing. These girls prance around and say they are best friends but have always (not so) secretly hated eachother. I have to hear about all this from my gf in the form of long drawn out stories that are often tuned out, by me. My question is, WHY THE FUCK DO ALL GIRLS HATE EACH OTHER? Can you explain this same-sex hatred? Seriously, you gals are redic.

I'm going to pull out my ladyblogger card for a moment here and be serious, even though you're really just talking about stupid catfighting. If serious thoughts aren't your thing, just skip on down.

I wish I knew. I really, really do. This is something I think about a lot. There's a lot of girl-on-girl hate, and I don't just mean wanting to smack Taylor Swift or Katy Perry, which is something I wholly support. But this girls-in-packs phenomenon where we just gang up on someone or something — it's unsettling. I do believe there's some deeply rooted competitive cavewomen instincts going on, but I also believe that there are broad societal messages that girls are exposed to from a very young age. Nature and nurture.

Of course, men don't universally like each other, and I'm sure that there are dudes who you absolutely hate, loath, cannot stand — but the difference is perhaps in how girls so actively express their dislike. I'm not innocent of this and I won't pretend to be, though I certainly try to be more conscious of it than I was in, say, college. I've also been on the receiving end of it — which is often the tradeoff for having your byline on something — and I'm blown away but what groups of girls will say or do. It's impressive, really, but that energy could be redirected in far more positive and productive ways. Like dry-humping a unicorn.

Now c'mere and give me a hug.

Mr. Met's Morphine:

What are you broads always doing in the bathroom anyway? Why can't you go alone?

Really? We need to cover this again? Okay. Here are some likely answers: talking about you. Talking about other stuff. Enjoying some simple conversation away from you. Keeping one of them for being left alone with you. At the end of the day, we're sparing you from the sort of girl talk you probably hate, so don't complain.

Stephen:

Why are women's restrooms more disgusting than men's? I worked at a supermarket in high school, and the women's public restroom was always an atrocity with blood and piss and shit everywhere. And is it true you get a couch at a lot of places? Why the couch? It's not like you can't sit down because of the cramping at your desk.

Wrong. Our restrooms may have some nasty fluid on the occasional toilet seat, but those random droplets are NOTHING compared to the overwhelming stench of urine that regularly emanates from a room where men piss against the wall again and again, dozens if not hundreds of times each day. Also, we're dealing with more stuff down there. And sometimes the shame of messy tampon removal is so great that some immature asshole can't bear to wipe the seat afterwards. She can die, as far as I'm concerned. But still, I contend that it is better to deal with that crap and actually be able to breathe. Every men's restroom I've been in is like a goddamn gas chamber.

The couch thing — in certain fancy instances, there is a ladies' lounge outside the actual bathroom. This is because we need to rest our dainty feet while we talk about you. See above.

Cam Charron:

Fact or Fiction: Girls wear g-strings and thongs to minimize the conspicuousness of skid marks.

Fiction. Any woman worth her ass-wiping salt knows that thongs only serve to exacerbate the skid-mark problem: that string is wedged so tightly in your crack that if your anus so much as twitches during the day you're going to get a speck of something unpleasant. The only way to avoid this is to shit before you shower (or stick with black thongs), but this is not always possible. Alas.

Rob:

So my wife usually cums when we fuck. I'm not being fooled, I see the wet spot on the bed and feel it when it happens. But she doesn't want to bang as much as I do by a longshot. How does she enjoy it (obviously she does, she's cumming right) but not want it all that much? What the hell do i do here? You're a woman, you're probably better equipped for this one than Drew.

Unless she tells you she's coming, she's not coming. She may be peeing, actually. That reality aside, there are plenty of women out there who want to fuck all the time. You married the wrong one, I'm sorry. For what it's worth, she probably regrets the marriage as much as you do! No worries: so long as you're not a serious Catholic, this situation shouldn't be too tough to rectify.

And with that, I'm out. Thank you for all of your mostly thoughtful questions, and thanks to AJ and Craggs for letting me do my tough love routine. You are all a breath of fresh air in my heavily perfumed existence. For more unique lady wisdom, mosey on over to Jezebel, where we'll be resting our dainty feet and talking about you all.