Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• How do I justify using a picture of Chris Hanson jackpotting a condom-and-wine-cooler-toting fella who was told she was 18? How about this: Peyton Manning — aka dude on TV during Perv Catching Hour — said QBs aren't whining about roughing penalties. [USA Today] (H/T Mr. Lew)
• White Guy/Minnesota Timberwolf Kevin Love dropped 31 points and 31 boards last night. He's the first player since Moses Malone to do so. It was against the Knicks, though. See what I did there? [Star Tribune]
• Jerry Jones says Super Bowl winning coaches have asked him to be Jason Garrett's replacement when the substitute Dallas Cowboys coach is inevitably released after a 3-13 campaign. Aw. Noted insufferable shit Tony Dungy, "I do think it's a better job than people think." [ESPN]
• The woman driver who nearly ended U.S. soccer pro Charlie Davies' life will plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter (another passenger died) and drunken driving on Tuesday. [New York Times]
• The Cincinnati Bengal formerly known as Pacman Jones is being sued for $240,925 for bailing on leases for a 2005 Lamborghini Gallardo Coupe and a 2006 Bentley Flying Spur. The Cincinnati Bengal former known as Chad Johnson got fined $20K for wearing gold shoes. [Cincinnati Enquirer]
• Brian Cashman says the Yankees aren't that desperate to get Cliff Lee, which must warm the cockles of Joba's heart. "I think we have a lot of quality players on this team that won 95 games and fell two games short of a World Series," he said. "That's when you have to be willing to roll with the punches and have Plan B's, C's, D's and F's up there." [FoxSportsSouthwest]
• Calgary Flame Brett Darryl Sutter, of hockey's legendary Sutter clan, apparently punched some dude in the face at an Arizona bar. [Calgary Herald]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … Temple beat Seton Hall [Philly.com]. There's a could-be-big fight tonight (open thread later) [Houston Chronicle]. Finally, I'm watching Johnny Dangerously right now. You?
Happy Saturday morning, Deadspin Nation. You know what would make this good day a great one? Not having to spend $54.95 to see a Sainzian gumper tonight, that's what.