Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Arsenal vs. Tottenham is on ESPN2 at the moment of this writing. Not into soccer? Whatever. Read these two sentences from The Spoiler about an Arsenal midfielder: "Jack Wilshere has been caught out for steamrollering a pretty stripper behind his girlfriend's back. As everyone knows, the more mature footballers tend to favour prostitutes." Well duh. [Photo H/T Unprofessional Foul]
• Maurice Clarett believes in blessings from God. Maurice Clarett believes he's one of them [ESPN]. But Maurice Clarett's Omaha Nighthawks teammates believe in losing four straight to end the UFL season 3-5 amid talk of revolt over some sort of "fee" that sounds like a lot like a South Philly street tax. [Omaha World-Herald] Previously: Jeff Garcia and Maurice Clarett Make America A Sadder Place [Deadspin]