Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Time for another Great Moments In Poop History, from "Matty Ice":
My team cemented the best record in our conference, but just before halftime the pregame buffet caught up with me. Why do we wear white pants again?
(Thanks to reader Matt W. for the screengrab)
•The Eagles took on the Giants for first place in the NFC East, and it went a little something like this: Herp Derp Turnover Derp Derp Field Goal Turnover Derp Blocked Kick Derp Herp Derp Turnover Turnover Jai Alai Turnover Herp Derp.
•Bonus screengrab! From reader Justin, whose local news must be doing targeted service journalism:
Three four players in NBA history have had perfect shooting nights while scoring at least 25 points with 5 rebounds and 5 assists. One was Matt Barnes on Friday; another was Pau Gasol last night. (For the record, the first was a skinny Charles Barkley). Not that Golden State plays defense or anything, but that's still pretty impressive.
•The Patriots held off a fourth-quarter comeback by Indianapolis to keep pace with the Jets in the AFC East. It was close. A few plays here, a few plays there, and New England doesn't win that game. But, then, a few plays here, a few plays there, and the Jets are 2-8.
•Bonus screengrab redux! From Joel in Seattle, Tracy Porter's latest hair art:
•It's never too early to learn about the NBA lockout.
•Allen Iverson was a little out of form when he showed up in Turkey: "When he comes first practice, he couldn't make even one point the whole practice. He shoot the ball, bonk, bonk, bonk." Practice? We talking about — oh, never mind.
•Screengrabastravaganza! From Tom, Emmitt Smith prospecting for a Cowboys running game.
Good morning. Glad to see you again.