My Asian Roommate Stole My Handjob!

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Hammertime:

Last year, I did a Junior-year exchange to a California school from college in Britain. It was my 21st birthday. We had a date party that night, and I invited a girl from our sister sorority, who I'd really liked when we'd had an event together, but drunkenly hooked up with her friend instead (oops). Regardless, she said yes, and since it's a date party and my 21st, I figure I have it in the bag.

We're flirting and making out the whole time, and she doesn't want to go back to her sorority, so we stumble to my dorm room, both blackout drunk.

At that point, I lived in a 6 guy suite, three guys apiece in two bedrooms, with a shared living room. My roommates were all freshmen and sophomores, and all more studious than I was, and all in bed already that night. I don't care that my roommates are asleep, drunk as I am, so we just climb into my bed (I have the only top bunk in the room, so I guess that makes it almost defensible). Bottom line is, we start fooling around, and then I simply pass out before anything good happens. So I managed to cockblock myself by drinking too much, which is not in itself that interesting or improbable.

The next morning I wake up surprisingly early, still a little drunk, and no sign of my date. I think this is a bit weird, but assume she left after I passed out. I hang out in the living room of our suite with the one roommate of mine I consistently talk to, and suddenly my date appears - from the other bedroom of our suite, not mine. I'm confused, but she needs to leave quickly and I lend her some clothes to ease her walk of shame (stride of pride?). One of my very studious Asian roommates then walks out of the same room, with a strange grin on his face, so I ask him what's going on.

It turns out what happened that she woke up in the middle of the night, went to the bathroom, and climbed back into what she thought was my bed - IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER. My roommate, completely surprised and sober, didn't object strongly enough to stop her (why would he?) and definitely didn't complain when she gave him a drunken handjob (I presume she thought it was me?). Anyway, my studious Asian roommate, who never partied and who I had about 3 real conversations with, ended up getting more action on my 21st than I did.

Well played, Data.

Dave:

It was the summer of 2004 after my freshman year in college. A group of us decided to take the train into Chi-town to go to the Taste of Chicago. This group happened to include my ex-girlfriend from high school, who I definitely still wanted to hook up with whenever I had the chance. Obviously the only reason anyone would go to the hot, sweaty, overcrowded disaster that is the Taste when you're under 21 is to get loaded, and we were no exception.

After ripping unhealthy amounts of vodka, I was putting on what I thought were decent moves on my ex. As the night progressed, the vodka took over and I felt like I was doing pretty good. And as it turned out, I must have said something right because somehow I convinced her to let me drive her home from the train station when we got back (mind you it's about 1am and I can barely see straight). All is well as we decide to park on a side street by her house as we always used to do back in the day, and I figure I'm a shoe-in to rekindle the sex flame. After what seems like hours of coercing, I finally get her in the back of my Explorer and clothes are starting to come off.

Right as the action reaches an R rating, a bright light starts shining through my back window...cops. We dive into the front seats when the officer comes to the window. He doesn't say anything, just points forward in front of my car. I was parked at a stop sign. Apparently the neighbors called the police reporting a suspicious vehicle, and I can't say that I blame them. I reeked of alcohol, was slurring my words and was pretty embarrassed that I could be so stupid. But not as embarrassed as I felt when the cops (instead of giving me a DUI) called both of my parents to come pick our drunk asses up and drive us home at about 3am. Moral of the story: don't park at stop signs. Oh yeah, and don't drink and drive...especially in your dad's car. Needless to say I never hooked up with her again.

Ouch. I'd almost rather be arrested. But not really.

Ray:

I'm 40 now. This happened when I was 18. This mess happened at a family Halloween party given by my aunt and uncle . Lots of family, aunts, uncles, parents and kids are there. My cousin, intros me to his "friend". He tells me that he is totally into her but I get the sense that she just doesn't dig him in the way he wants since she keeps staring at me.

My cousin is the type of dude that has no game and gets no girl attention at all. On this night, he is ga-ga over this girl. Her costume consists of some sort of mechanic's baggy overall-one-piece-suit. I can't tell what her body looks like. The drinks start flowing and this chick starts pounding the Jungle Juice (every kind of booze you can grab mixed with red punch).

My cousin is all over this chick and he is getting nowhere, poor fucking guy. We're all pretty twisted so when my cousin leaves her side to go dance with his mom (my aunt), she comes over to me, grabs my hand and leads me to the side of the house. I'm hoping nobody has caught on to this chick's underhanded move.

Next thing you know, we are making out in bushes, in some cold dirt. I unzip her mechanic's baggy overall-one-piece-suit to reveal the best rack I have ever put my face between. Amazing. These are the kind of tits you think of and get a hard-on in church. Within two minutes, I have her panties off, fingering her, my cock out and my face in her tits when my fucking aunt, mother of my cousin, catches us in the bushes. OH FUCK…….

As I'm ready to stick it in, my aunt starts kicking me and yelling at the both of us. The girl zips up her tits and pussy and she's gone, running down the street.

As my aunt is yelling at me, she is fucking staring at my whipped out hard-on. My cousin hears the ruckus, comes over and starts punching me. Family comes over to break us up. The girl's friend finds her down the street, throws her drunk ass in the car, they're gone in seconds.

My late grandfather who is also at this family party comes over and sits me and my cousin down and tells us, in his words, "Don't fight over pussy." I miss him.

Years later I ran into this chick at a Raider game with some dude, not my cousin. My cousin still hates me.

I bet he does.

Larry:

I went out drinking at a Russian-themed vodka bar last Saturday in my semi-large Southern college town. This is a place with a lot of techno and a lot of strobe lights where you either have to be on ecstasy or blitzed out of your mind to have a good time. Cheap well vodka and two-dollar Schlitzes made me a member of the latter group. I strike up a conversation with a cute blonde, Paula, who is standing at the bar by herself. I buy her a drink and things seem to be going well so I ask her to dance.

Paula REALLY liked dancing, so much so that I had to concentrate to keep up. We do our thing for a while then go back to the bar, where Paula introduces me to her friend Bitsy. I instantly recognize Bitsy as a card-carrying Cockblocker, because she keeps insisting to Paula that they should leave. I've seen this happen too many times, so I get them both multiple shots to buy time because I know Paula is in to me. Luckily, an angel sent from heaven in the form of a black guy who looked EXACTLY like Damian Marley asks Bitsy to dance. I grab Paula, go back on the dance floor and do enough to seal the invite back to her place.

Paula, Bitsy, Damian and I head back to the girls' apartment, which is located in a sketchy part of town in between the bars and the college. Having already avoided one potential cockblock, I am instantly confronted with another. The girls' cunt terrier has COMPLETELY trashed their apartment. I spend the next ten minutes picking up trash in their living room while Damian goes on and on about his reggae band and Paula yells at someone on the phone. I finish the clean up, get Paula off the phone, take her to her room (finally), where things proceed to get hot and heavy. We're fully naked, third base rounded, when I hear a LOUD knock at the door. My drunk mind is praying it's Damian who got kicked out and is trying to get back in. Thirty seconds later, her phone rings. Her boyfriend is calling and is at the front door. Of course he is.

She starts crying and runs to the front door while I find my clothes and prepare for the worst. As I exit her room, her boyfriend charges at me with a full head of steam. I go into fight or flight mode and end up wrestling him to the ground and getting enough punches in for him to stay there. I then proceed to sprint out of the apartment with a ripped shirt and "little Larry" at full attention passed a group of his friends standing outside, who then proceed to chase me. Luckily, my head start put me about a hundred yards ahead of them and I race into the nearby woods, where they lose me. After avoiding two potential cockblocks, I end my night spending a half hour in the woods at 4 am until a car full of dudes could pick me up.