Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Hooray. Two more years of "fragile peace" and other mob references after Tony Sparano secured a two-year contract extension with the Dolphins. Sparano was seemingly spared the brains-in-pasta treatment after Jim Harbaugh opted to stay in the Bay Area.
• After crashing a lot in the Olympics, America's reigning ski goddess Lindsey Vonn has returned to form, most recently today in a place called Altenmarkt in a place called Austria.
• Enes Kanter will never hoop for Kentucky, a panel of NCAA personages in wigs decreed yesterday, putting a stop to John Calipari's gyrations and reaffirming the importance of the weird loophole in David Stern's one-year-in college policy.
• Sad news. Just three months into the job, UGA VIII has come down with the blood cancer. Pray for the pooch.
H/T Yellow Tail Swine for the video
Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I careened about South Africa during the World Cup for Deadspin, a period of my life during which I was exposed to all manner of sordid endeavor and potential injury. Good thing I was well compensated. I will be here all weekend. Talk dirty to me at email@example.com.