Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Rex Ryan gets excited in the locker room after the win:
• Meanwhile Colts coach Jim Caldwell explains poorly in bizarre English his poor and bizarre last-minute timeout decision.
• Never one to get in the way of his own hubris, Michael Jordan checked in on a lady he thought had fainted after gazing upon his splendor. Jordan was in Anguilla, lunching with Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly when the woman "keeled over." Turns out she was overcome after getting some news from a doctor about her son's health.
• The NCAA ruled on Enes Kanter. Shortly thereafter, Kentucky fans ruled on Pete Thamel, the NYT writer they hold responsible for Kanter being ineligible to play, dispelling several stereotypes about Kentucky in the process.
• Brian Reed, the brother of Ravens safety Ed Reed, jumped into the Mississippi River after a police chase and did not resurface. Police believe Brian was driving a stolen car. Ed still plans to play in the Ravens game today.
• The Gabrielle Giffords' massacre is tragic. Horrible. One of the worst things about it is the story of Christina-Taylor Green, the nine-year-old girl who was killed. The Arizona Daily Star just published a heartbreaking profile of her. She was the granddaughter of Dallas Green, who managed the Phillies when they won the World Series in 1980.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. Sound off to me at email@example.com.