Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• That video up there arrives via Awful Announcing. Skip to the 1:03 mark, when Musburger declares, as he did last night, that Ohio State will be playing "for all the Tostitos." Sweet sassy molassy is that stupid.

• Everyone's pulling bad poetry out of Michael Dyer's standing eight count yesterday. Stewart Mandel:

But Michael Dyer wasn't down. Just as his team has done so many times this season, the running back somehow escaped — breaking the tackle of Oregon's Eddie Pleasant, landing on top of the defender instead of beneath him, balancing with one hand and regaining momentum. The whistle never blew, just as the curtain never came down on the Tigers' 2010 season. So Dyer kept running.

Pat Forde:

Dyer's run was a what-the-hell-happened moment that symbolized this what-the-hell-happened season. The national title was decided on a play in which everyone stood still and stopped playing.

Indecision and confusion reigned, just as it did in the spring when we wondered what would become of conference alignment. Indecision and confusion reigned in the summer, when we wondered how far the rippling agent scandal would go. Indecision and confusion reigned in the past two months, as we tried to process why Newton and six Ohio State Buckeyes were allowed to play in the season's biggest games despite NCAA violations.

But Dyer's start-stop-start dash into Auburn lore was only the last surprising plot twist on a surprising night.

• Except that, yeah, Dyer was probably down:

• No one knows what the hell is going on with the Carmelo trade.

• Minnesota's Trevor Mbakwe was arrested Monday and charged with violating a restraining order, supposedly because of a Facebook post.

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Good morning. This one's for all the quadruple vodkas: