Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until Snyder's dumbass libel suit is defeated by Charlie Sheen's warlock powers. Our newest entry is from Rolling Stone's human flamethrower, Matt Taibbi, who's been running a humorous thought experiment on his blog called the "Supreme Court of Assholedom." It seems one of the presiding justices is Deadspin's own Drew Magary. (We can only wonder what kind of confirmation process took place.)
On the court's docket today is the pygmy-hearted oilbag who somehow owns the Washington Redskins. He is guilty on all counts. Forever:
Before any of our more intellectual readers here run away screaming for fear that this case brought against the Play-Doh-brained owner of the Washington Redskins is about sports, please hear us out, for this is not a sports case. Daniel Snyder drew the Supreme Court's attention thanks to his decision to file a $2 million defamation lawsuit against the Washington alt-weekly City Paper and its reporter Dave McKenna, after McKenna wrote a hilarious and viciously accurate piece called "The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Daniel Snyder."
The issue here, as presented by Justice Drew Magary, is simple. What Daniel Snyder seemed to show in this case is that if you piss off a rich asshole, he can fight back by bankrupting you with a frivolous lawsuit, where he'll win even if he loses, no matter how wrong he is. Thus the court was asked to consider the following question: Is any rich person who seeks revenge through frivolous-litigation-by-attrition automatically an asshole?
The Redskins owner is one of the prototypical assholes of modern American capitalism – a completely bloodless, money-grubbing narcissist who will sink to any depths in search of a buck (he took expired peanuts bought off a defunct airline and sold them to fans at Redskins games; he also sold beer in the men's bathrooms at the Redskins' stadium), and constantly pushes regulatory and ethical boundaries to gouge customers (his company was fined millions for switching cell phone customers' service plans without authorization, a practice called "Slamming"). He also grossly insulted all real victims of anti-Semitism when he accused McKenna and the City Paper of targeting him for his Jewishness, claiming that its cover depiction of Snyder with horns growing out of his head was an anti-Semitic caricature. As numerous writers have pointed out, the notion of a guy who owns a team called the Redskins crying foul about ethnic slurs is beyond preposterous; from this Justice's point of view the reflexive accusation of racism or anti-Semitism whenever one suffers criticism is also often an indication of assholeness, although the Court was no asked to consider that issue in this case.
I ruled Snyder an asshole and gave him 4,999 points, which I calculated as the highest score a non-violent asshole who is not George Will can receive.
Snyder is more than just an asshole. He's the rectum intestinum. Please contribute to the cause at the Washington City Paper's legal defense fund.