Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until Daniel Snyder's dumbass libel suit is decomposing in the bog.
Let us flash back to a better time for Daniel Snyder's Redskins — or at least a time that was no more crappy than present. The date: March 2009. The occasion: the signing of Albert Haynesworth, a bear-like creature that had risen to prominence in Tennessee and which Daniel Snyder added to his menagerie for a guaranteed $41 million on a seven-year contract that, with incentives, could pay $115 million. This marked the first time a non-quarterback had broken the $100 million barrier. And Daniel Snyder was oddly proud of it. In the lobby at team headquarters, a giddy Daniel Snyder strutted about with an unlit cigar in his hand. Very few men can get away with jabbing a tobacco-filled phallic symbol at a person. Daniel Snyder is not one of them.
Daniel Snyder's quotes in USA Today at the time display a sagacity that other NFL owners must only envy:
"First of all, it's seven years," [Daniel] Snyder said, bubbly, in the lobby at team headquarters. "That's a long time frame. He's a young player, growing and getting better. We see him as a centerpiece for our D-line for the next seven years."
The franchise's three gleaming Super Bowl trophies were displayed at the front of the room during the press conference to introduce Haynesworth.That was so last millennium.
Since [Daneil] Snyder purchased the team in 1999, the Redskins have won just two playoff games. The most impressive victories during that span have come in the offseason, fueled by [Daniel] Snyder's checkbook. As hard as he's tried, winning big has been elusive.
In 2000, for instance, he signed aging stars Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders and former No. 1 overall quarterback Jeff George...en route to 8-8. And last summer's big move backfired, evidenced by Monday's release of Jason Taylor, the former all-pro defensive end obtained from the Miami Dolphins.
[Daniel] Snyder insists that Haynesworth's signing — complemented by a $55 million deal to keep cornerback DeAngelo Hall and a $27 million contract to bring back guard Derrick Dockery — reflects a new approach.
"We've learned our lesson," [Daniel] Snyder said. "This is not the old ways at all. This is what I should have done a long time ago. He's a very young man.
"I've learned that you don't do a seven-year contract with a player that's 33. You do it when he's 27. That's the big difference."
No, Daniel Snyder. There's no difference. You never learn anything.
You may not have $115 million internet lottery bucks to throw around like Daniel Snyder, but maybe you can spare a dime for the weekly's legal defense fund.