Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
This one has an international flair. A big group of law school buddies and I decide it's a great idea to go to Thailand after we take the bar exam: the big "bar trip." 3 weeks into the trip we are on the island of Koh Phang-an a few days before the famous Full Moon Party. I meet this girl "Lisa" one night and we hit it off, but soon part ways do to the craziness of the partying — somehow I just lose her. I try to look for her for a while thinking that it seemed like a sure thing but it was to no avail. I pass out in the bungalow and awake to see Lisa in the room at 4 am because my other buddy ran into her and brought her back. She convinces me to go back to her bungalow on the entire other side of the island, and naturally, my penis thinks it's a great idea. We walk back to her place and things get heavy. Eventually we have the requisite condom conversation, and we both are coming up short.
But if you know Thailand, you know that theres a 7-11 on every street corner. I say, hey no problem, I'll be right back. I leave her spot, run to 7-11, get the condoms, and run back to her street to realize that there are 20 bungalows all lined up, looking the same, and I'm drunk and confused. My search for the right bungalow begins randomly picking bungalows and seeing if the front door is unlocked. Luckily they all were so I did not accidentally burst into another dude's place. I resort to yelling "LISAAA" in the middle of the street hoping that she didnt pass out on me. Well she didn't come out to the street, but damn near everyone else did and I was quickly told to get the hell out of there. I found myself walking back to the other side of the island, fresh pack of condoms in tow, only to go back and sleep in the same damn bed I was so comfortably sleeping in 90 minutes earlier. And that was it. The kicker: fast forward another 2 weeks and I am in Hoi An, Vietnam, waiting to cross the street. Out of the corner of my eye I see Lisa riding bitch on the back of some vietnamese dude's motorbike. She waves. My buddy yells "LISA HE'S GOT THE CONDOMS!"
And a hard man is humbled.
So I was a wide eyed freshman and it was some random weeknight. My girlfriend, "Stacy," and I were studying for exams we had the following morning when, due to a temporary campus black out because of wind, we had the bright idea of going out in the hopes school would be cancelled.We left some frat party around 2am in a heavy brown-out state. Walking back the dorm we both lived in we stumbled across a construction site for a new academic building and decided to find a creative place to do our thing. (We both had two randomly assigned roommates our freshman year who most assuredly were sleeping).
So after sneaking over a fence and through some very muddy landscaping we made it inside the building, inside a classroom, then inside a closet within the classroom. This in my mind was going to be incredible... As I am closing the closet door Stacy starts saying something like, "DONT CLOSE THE DOOR," and wouldn't you know it we were locked in possibly the most remote place on campus one could think of. Panic came over both of us rather quickly. There were no windows in the room.
We woke our friends up (at least we had cell phone service) to come and let us out. Our friends make it to the class room to find out we had locked ourselves not only into the closet, but into the classroom itself. We urged them to break the glass, but that was never going to happen.
Still wasted, I quickly began digging a hole in the plaster near the door handle with my room key in attempt to be able to reach through the wall cavity and open the door myself. The hole was nearly 5" in diameter when two university police officers found our friends in the building and tracked us down. We were both put under arrest in handcuffs and brought down to the station. We were finally arrested for trespassing, possessing alcohol (in her purse), underage intoxication, and I was also strapped with destruction of private property which was pretty obvious because I had drywall all over me. They also thought I was some sort of rapist because my handcuffs caused me to bleed and she managed to escape from her hers in the back of the wagon.
Trying to explain to my father at 3:30am how I was arrested was more than interesting and being let back into my dorm by the officer at 5:00am caused a stir. Long story short, we both ended up paying around 1500$ in court/lawyer/university fees a piece, Stacy transferred to another school blaming me, and no, I did not get any high tension action in this construction site closet. Failed my test as well.
During my undergrad years, I went to a very awkward small liberal arts college. Sometime in 2007 (I think), our college and several others started this thing called the "confessional," which was an online message board where you were completely anonymous. It started as a way for shy, introverted people to share their deepest darkest fears and connect to one another, but it quickly turned into a seedy underground of meme production, conformist hating, and people trolling for sex.
I was single at the time, so I quickly joined group 3 out of curiosity. I had never tried online sites before but figured it was worth a shot, and I actually did reasonably well for the most part (Met the first girl I knew who could deepthroat, made out with a lesbian who "was trying to get back to liking guys" - didn't work, took a virginity - surprisingly wasn't a terrible idea, etc.)
This one night, however, at about 2am, I started talking to this girl who seemed very eager to start something that night. Mind you, it was about 10 degrees outside with 1-2 foot snowbanks, but I was more than willing to cross the snowy alps for a chance at a hookup. So after some chatting she told me where her dorm was at, and I traipsed the 15-20 minute walk across campus to her place. When I got there and met her I was ecstatic - I had seen her around campus and the girl was gorgeous. Of course, we're awkward as hell, so after brief intros we start watching YouTube videos on her bed. She's laughing, I'm laughing...I figure this is going good places.
Then all of a sudden after about 10 minutes she turns to me and says, "I'm sorry, I kind of got you here under false pretenses. My Dad died recently and I just really didn't want to be alone tonight." I totally didn't expect that, but I rolled with it and we talked for a while. After all, I was there anyways, and she was nice, and it was snowy as hell outside. After we talk, she asks if I can stay to cuddle, and I said sure. So after going to the bathroom to change/brush teeth/etc., she comes back and we're laying in bed talking some more.
All of a sudden, after some brief talking, she pushes my hand off, stands up, says, "Well you were probably expecting something," and rips off her shirt, revealing what was certainly the greatest sets of boobs in the history of boobs (I've seen a lot of boobs, and these are #1 on my list). Next think I know we're making out and I'm wondering where this came from or where this is going, but I'm really not asking questions at this point because all is going well. Things are getting hotter and hotter and hands are moving and I'm becoming very glad I came to her dorm after all, but then, predictably, she stops. She says she can't do it - it's late, she's tired, she's got work to do tomorrow morning...all that jazz. But I'm still allowed to stay. So tired (it's like 5am by now), sexually frustrated, and hoping to avoid the snow, I say sure.
Alarm goes off at 8am (3 hours later for the Math impaired), I walk of shame to my house, take a shower, and then walk back to work, which started at 9am (on a Saturday). That girl ended up being totally cool and we're still friends, but we never hooked up again after that so I never got to see those bodacious boobs ever again.
God, I went to college a decade too early.
I was graduating college and my parents were throwing a big party for me, renting out a room in a nice restaurant and having it catered. They said to invite as many people as I wanted. I really didn't want a big affair, mostly because I had no friends that gave enough of a shit to show up to my party, even if it was free food and open bar. Still, I let people know, including a girl who graduated a year earlier and I had been in love with for over a year. She lived a few hours away, but we were really close, and when I told her she sounded really excited about it. I told her she could stay at my apartment, and she was cool with that, in fact, excited about it. Awesome, I thought, totally going to get some, and this is going to work out perfectly and be the best graduation gift of all.
Then, about three days before the graduation, my mom tells me that we are all going to my school's baccalaureate service. I had no idea what she was talking about. Turns out, it was some thing being put on by the Catholic Center at the school. See, my parents are super Catholic, so when I was a freshman I indulged them and went to church there once or twice. I ended up on their email list, and ignored all of them because, well, I just didn't go. Apparently, my parents were on the list as well, and got an email about this. So being the Jesus freaks that they are, they signed me up. It was at 8:30p.m. the day of graduation...which was the time I wanted to get out of my party alone with the girl and get my degree in sexytime. I told them straight up I wasn't doing it (leave it to Catholics to make every secular holiday or event a religious one where you have to go to church), but that just caused my mom to absolutely lose it, then threaten to withhold any sort of graduation monies I might get. I basically got guilt tripped into it, such a typically Catholic thing, and seeing as I didn't want to give up something like $3,000, I relented.
I told the girl I had this thing I had to do, it would only last an hour, but after that, it would just be her and me. After telling her that, she was way less excited to come, and a day later, gave me some bullshit excuse about having to go pick up the family dog from their cousins, so she couldn't make it.
There were three other graduates at the baccalaureate, and afterward as my parents sucked up to the priest, he told them he'd never seen me before, getting them all upset that I wasn't going to church. As for the party, only two of my friends came. I still am in contact with the girl, but after this, I'm firmly entrenched in the friend zone and will probably never get out of it.
My graduation sucked. Thanks a lot, God.