If you're at a corporate softball outing with alcohol, it's best not to get totally smashed in front of all your co-workers, especially if you have work the next day. If you get totally smashed and have work the next day, it's best to call it a night. If you don't call it a night, it's best to avoid doing anything illegal. If you do something illegal, it's best to avoid emailing the entire office about it the next morning. And if you do email the entire office, it's best not to put the crime you committed in all caps.
Sometimes all of that is easier said than done, however. Here's an email a guy sent in to his co-workers Friday morning after a Thursday night game.
I would first like to start off this message by apologizing for my drunken actions at last night's game. My night started by me getting bounced out of Joe's, and attempting to get back in for about an hour. After being denied reentry I decided that it was time to DRIVE home. After about an hour in the car I peered at a local street sign and did not realize where I was. Yup 56th street on the south side of Chicago in the middle of nowhere. I quickly turned around and headed back north praying I would come across a street that I recognized. Eventually I found Ashland and took that about 8 miles north back to my apartment. I managed to find a free parking spot (go me) and got into my apartment safe and sound. At 8:40am I was awoken by my cell phone ringing. [Redacted], my team lead, was calling to inform me that I was almost an hour late for work. All of this was happening on the floor of my apartment where I lay naked in a small puddle of vomit. I got up as fast as I could and made my way to work. Unable to find parking on the lovely streets of Cabrini Green, I decided to take the alternative route and just pay for parking. After finding I spot I found it only natural to vomit about 3 more times on the lovely Buick Enclave beside my car. After that entire adventure I made it to work at a bright and early 9:21am. As I sit here at my desk I use a pencil to control all of my phones actions as moving causes me to get nauseous. I will keep everyone updated on the rest of my day. Happy Friday!
Our tipster adds, "Unfortunately we were never updated on the rest of his day. I'm pretty sure he was fired before lunch."
Update, 6/6/11: A different source says: "the guy [who sent the original email] got canned today for unprofessionalism as the email made it up to the level of CEO."