Naked Children In Public: A Deadspin Special Investigation

The night before I got married, my parents hosted a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant in DC. They rented out one of the side rooms for the dinner, and the event room had its own set of bathrooms separate from the restaurant's main pissers. So before the dinner, my dad went into the men's room and placed, by the sink, a framed picture of me when I was three or so, stark naked and crying in a public pool.

Sure as shit, the dinner starts and every guy comes out of the men's room saying, "Is that a picture of little Drew and little Drew's little pecker in there? HA HA HA YOU WERE NAKED ONCE ASSHOLE!" Then the judge due to preside over the wedding ran into the bathroom and grabbed the picture and took it out so it could be passed around to the women in attendance, so that everyone at the dinner could share in the joy of seeing my nascent penis.

This is pretty much SOP at any wedding or rehearsal dinner. Parents always make sure to save any and all naked kiddie photos of their children, so that they can then unleash them at the wedding. It's their way of getting back at the kid for being such a little money-leeching shit for two decades. I know I've already begun compiling the naked photos I need of my own children. God, all they do is complain and throw food. I can't wait to humiliate them by showing off their miniaturized genitalia on the happiest day of their future lives.

The reason parents have so many naked pictures of their kids is because children are retards when it comes to clothing. They wear one piece of clothing all the time, or they demand very warm clothing in the summer and very cool clothing in the winter. Or they wear underwear on their head. Or they say FUCK IT and forgo clothing altogether. And when kids decide to run around naked, they never choose to do it in a private setting. No, no. They wait until they're in the stands at fucking Soldier Field to whip those pants off and go running around with their dingdings and hoohoos hanging out. And God forbid you're with your parents when the kid decides to do this, because your mom will inevitably pipe up and be like, "Well, she's certainly NOT timid! The boys will love her!" And then you'll spend the next three hours both trying to cover up your kid and plotting your mom's eventual death via falling piano.

Naked children can be spotted most everywhere these days: at beaches and in parks and in Bill Conlin's iPhone photo library. The question is… how old should a kid be before they really shouldn't be naked in public? What about in private? Daulerio asked me this question, which led to this exchange:

Daulerio: What is the cut-off age for children to be naked on the beach?

Me: That's a strong question.

Daulerio: Because this past weekend, I could have sworn there were some kids past the age of 5 clomping around with their junk hanging out. And, I mean, I caught myself checking out the gash of some little girl because, well, it's right there.

Me: Can I quote you on that? "AJ Daulerio: underage gash-starer"?

Daulerio: And I'm like, damn, this girl is going to have a bubble-butt when she grows up! Yeah, I'm an idiot. But there were throngs of naked children on the beach. I mean, this should be right up there with please clean up after your dog when it poops or something, right?

Indeed. Daulerio makes an excellent point. You may have no problem with your kid being naked on the beach. And your kid may have no real issue with it. But what about common courtesy? What about the people around you, who might inadvertently stare at your naked child's twat and feel like a child molester even though they didn't do anything wrong (yet)? And what about ACTUAL pederasts who get to see your kid's tooshybooshy for free, without any kind of surcharge? There has to be rules for this sort of thing. So let's break it down by age.

AGE 0-1: Fine. Let the baby be naked (but diapered) anywhere you like. Babies aren't even people yet. They don't even fit into clothes. Ever try putting a shirt on a two-week old? It's like trying to put a cat into a Ziploc bag. It's virtually pointless, given that the baby will drool and barf all over the garment. Babies are like dogs. No one minds them unclothed, so long as they don't piss or shit on anything.

AGES 1-3: Still fine on your lawn or at beaches and parks and shit. Restaurants? No. Airports? Fuck no. Malls? Double fuck no. That's trashy shit. Outside nudity and home nudity only. Also, kids who are only halfway potty trained and naked outside often like to squat down and let fly. And they smile and laugh the whole time they do it because pissing outside is crazy awesome. But you can only let them do that if they're naked in a private yard and cars passing by can't see them. If your kid is openly pissing in the front yard, you may as well have a car up on blocks in the yard as well. The proper way to deal with all mad pissers is to go OOH! and then desperately chase after them while they run around and piss all over their own legs.

It's also fine for YOU to be naked around the child at home at this age, because the child still can't produce memories and therefore won't suddenly remember your hairy, revolting cock hanging out fifteen years down the road. After this, you should avoid changing your underwear or taking a shit in front of your kid. Though there will be times when they force the issue and demand to watch you shit (it happens, it really does), in which case those memories are THEIR fucking fault.

AGES 4-5: This is when the kid needs to start being taught about not stripping out of his or her clothes outside. Because then the swarthy man with his hand tucked under his beach towel sitting twenty feet away might get just the show he was hoping for. Naked children at this point can only be confined to the home, without guests over. And really, why would you ever have guests over if you've got children under five? They're gonna ruin your fucking dinner party no matter how early to try and put them to sleep.

AGES 5+: No more nakedness. Ever see a kid older than 6 out naked in public that didn't have a mental disability? No.