A Belated Farewell To Jeff Carter And Mike Richards: The Legion Of Poon

Thanks to a report from Philadelphia Daily News's intrepid Mighty Dan Gross on Monday, two former Flyers are being torched for their excessive nightlife adventures when they were both members of the team. The implication is, subtly, that their reluctance to curb their Jäger-bombing escapades throughout Old City and Sea Isle during their tenures made them highly disposable. Everyone mentioned in the story cops to coach Peter Laviolette's den-mothery "Dry Island" approach, which required players to sign their jersey numbers on a white board and pledge month-long sobriety during the 2009 playoff run.

It was unsuccessful, it seems, as Carter and Richards, being of-age adults, were convinced their social lives didn't impact their play on the ice. Even though the trades were executed weeks ago, it is only now, from this report, that Philadelphia sports fans realize what a tremendous loss this was. Not to the Flyers' Stanley Cup hopes, mind you, but to the city's reputation for developing cooze-happy sports stars only to watch them depart before they've maximized their abilities to dodge STDs and DWIs with reckless abandon due to their status.

A Belated Farewell To Jeff Carter And Mike Richards: The Legion Of PoonS

This is a sad day for the VIP rooms of Society Hill speakeasies, whose plush couches will now be left unsoiled on Wednesday nights. It's a sad day for various Big Five sororities, who will no longer be able to depend upon Richards or Carter to infiltrate their mixers and convince many prudish girls to participate in pony races throughout the Alpha Phi house. This is a sad day for South Jersey, a region so close to upending its national reputation for delicious vine-ripened tomatoes for the much more glamorous title of "Puck Slut capital of the world," thanks to the efforts of these two young swordsmen. Nobody fucks tomatoes, people. Nobody.

So let's take a look at Richards response to these reports not with perturbed skepticism, but with sorrow:

"I believe what happens in the dressing room should stay in the dressing room. It was just something that happened for a handful of guys, just more of a playful thing that half the team took part in and the other half didn't."

Let us all bow our heads.

Photos: Phillybroadcaster.com