Piracy is real, y'all. East Africa? Hornet's nest. Caribbean? Same deal. But the North Shore of Boston might be the worst of the bunch. Here are the obnoxious news ledes mocking this terribly serious crime:
Forget the high seas! This pirate adventure took place right in Gloucester Harbor, landing two men in big trouble.
Avast me hearties, the Jolly Roger has raised its ugly head after many long years in this picturesque North Shore harbor. But sailors stand fast, the constabulary has cleared the waters of the alleged modern-day buccaneers.
Two men who apparently wanted some free treasure tried to rob a boat pirate-style, but instead found themselves in the back of a police car late Thursday night.
But this is all very serious, you see! The Gloucester Times plays it straight:
Stanton was also charged with breaking and entering with the intent to commit a felony, threatening to commit a crime and intimidating a witness.
According to police, the incident played out in the East Gloucester coves and Inner Harbor, where sailboat owner Douglas Campbell of Beverly had taken a transient mooring for his vessel for the night.
Police said Campbell was awakened when the two would-be robbers pulled their vessel alongside his, then boarded the sailboat. But when he confronted the two men, the pair retreated to the outboard and sped off.
The horror. Never forget the great Gloucester pirate attack of 2011.
Pictured: unrelated pirates. Though they may be in cahoots with the guilty gentlemen.