Look At This Fucking Hoopster: Lollapalooza 2011 Edition

It is August in Chicago, and that, of course, means that young people have descended upon the city for Lollapalooza so that they can post Facebook albums of themselves drinking Budweiser tall boys with Kid Cudi in the background and the caption "post-punk punk is dead tho." It also means that it is very hot there, and as we all know, heat exacerbates assholery, and so the great hoopster tradition lives on.

A full year has passed since the world took note of the fucking hoopsters, and yet they are still wearing their fucking basketball jerseys to places like Lollapalooza, where enterprising citizen journalists like Disco Choo can capture their shame and share it with the rest of us. But something to consider, before we begin: Is there any chance at all, in the wake of last summer's general execration of the hoopster, that the hoopster is now ironically wearing ironic jerseys with a sense of personal irony? Has he matured beyond the "figurative castration" of the skinny jeans, to quote our friend and hoopster expert David Matthews? Is it possible that the hoopster has become self-aware? Is the fucking hoopster just fucking with us? Or are they still just fucking hoopsters?

The first batch: Active NBA players. These are not nearly as offensive as the trend (or maybe we can just call it a national malady) because it is unlikely that the wearer simply Google-searched "oldschool Bullets jerseys" and clicked through with his mom's credit card in hand. There is even a distinct chance that he has seen the player in question play basketball before! And although it should go without saying, but there is an important subtle difference between a Rose Bulls jersey (especially worn in Chicago) and a Ron Artest Pacers jersey, or even a Scalabrine Bulls jersey.

Still, nobody needs to see this.

This almost certainly has to be a Chris Paul jersey. That is fine. Chris Paul is a fantastic basketball player that young people know from watching the television set. But! Those shorts. Is it possible that he chose to wear the neon swim trunks with the Hornets jersey because the jersey matched the turquoise in the shorts?

The only people who buy Dwight Howard jerseys are people who live in Florida and claim to watch sports, eight-year-old children who think Dwight is in their peer group, and Dwight Howard's mom. Also, this guy.

This is a special adaptation to the hoopster form. A Thunders jersey would have been too soon, a Texas jersey would have been too strong of a statement, and so the Team USA gear is really a perfect compromise. Well done, sir.

I understand that this Knicks fan must feel an intense desire to showcase his misery to the world. It's a weird thing that sports fans do to themselves. But I do not know about any intense desire that is communicated with a Rodman jersey.

Somebody saw Through The Fire!

I'm actually a little bit impressed that somebody put down the cash to buy Ricky Rubio's Barcelona jersey—especially because the hideous Timberwolves jerseys might actually appeal to the hoopsters. And as promised, here's our second Jordan sighting.

And third.

And fourth. Surprisingly, no one had Jordan's UNC jersey—or, for that matter, a jersey composed of pieces of all of his jerseys stitched together to create a composite Jordan jersey. That would be the truly postmodern take.

Gilbert Arenas chills with lax bro.

You can't beat LeBron for a disgraced Cavaliers jersey.

Oh, wait.

This just calls attention to the lack of a sleeve tat.

Almost pasty enough.

Kerry Kittles meets seersucker shorts and boat shoes.

If the NBA Store ever taps into this particular market, it should just start selling throwback jerseys with pre-attached fanny-packs.

You must be from Indiana.

This could be for Kenny Payne, but that seems like a stretch. It must be customized for Alexander Payne.

Consider this hoopster: He went against the grain and got a limited-edition Stockton jersey that did not include the color purple. I am fairly certain that if every NBA team released a limited edition purple jersey and sold it in certain areas in the country, there would be no lockout.

Case in point: A Bryon Russell jersey. It has purple and airbrushed mountain art.

Again: Larry Johnson's Charlotte jersey. So purple. ("This will go perfectly with that obscure 5K race hat I found in Uncle Don's garage," he thought to himself.)

And when you add purple to dinosaurs? It's over. Fix it, Stern!

Jason Williams preceded stunner shades for a reason.

So nice for the Society of Hoopsters Who Appreciate Basically Geriatric NBA Players Or At Least Those Players' Jerseys And What The Jerseys Say About Them to come out this year.

Penny Hardaway gets the shorts treament, Joe Dumars gets the moccasins treatment. Oy.

Latrell Sprewell deserves (well, needs) compensation for this.

I suppose this is better than the other Shawn Kemp tributes out there.

Do you think even David Robinson owns one of his Team USA jerseys?

Dennis Rodman jerseys are now the hoopster version of a photo-bomb.

Steve Nash's Santa Clara jersey. Attempting to say: "I know some things," like where Steve Nash played college basketball." Actually saying: "I probably spent over $100 on this, just so that you could ask me how much money I spent on this."

Mike Bibby's Arizona jersey. Attempting to say: "I know some things, like where Mike Bibby played college basketball." Actually saying: "I have an intense desire to be liked and I also am fairly certain that Mike Bibby is white."

Isiah Thomas's Indiana jersey. Attempting to say: "I know some things, like where Isiah Thomas played college basketball." Actually saying: "Wait, what is sexual assault again?"

Chris Webber's Michigan jersey. Attempting to say: "I know some things, like where Chris Webber played college basketball." Actually saying: "I can't wait to make a joke about the '93 finals, even though at the time I was actually three years old and couldn't read."

Hoopster or just a poor Illini fan who deserves our pity? Dee Brown now plays for Teramo Basket in Italy. I'll grant the pity.

I'd guess this was a Jalen Rose tribute, but Jalen Rose never had to wear one of those jerseys that looks like the straps were taken off of sports bras. So, um, Eso Akunne?

We came so far without a Tar Heel jersey. It was inevitable that it would be Tyler Hansbrough.

I can't.

This young man is wearing a jersey that says "TAZ" on the back, and in place of a number there is an exclamation mark. TAZ! This is, of course, the jersey that the Looney Tunes' Tasmanian Devil wore on the court in Space Jam. If you'll excuse me, I have to go weep for millennials for a spell. I've lost all hope. Till next year, when the hoopsters become post-hoopsters and reclaim the wifebeaters.

Thanks to Disco Choo for the photos.