Here's what a reader we'll call bitchy Matt wrote:
A one paragraph wake up deadspin? Are you fucking joking? That means my normal thirty minute break from work laughing at the first paragraph and clicking on links to the story has been reduced to 30 seconds of utter flaccidity reading the small caption on the picture and 2 minutes writing this rant. And now I have to go back to my shitty job. Here's looking at you, Dom.
Okay, Matt, don't blame poor Dom for that change. I suggested we speed things up a bit in the morning and that we don't waste time scrambling for roundup posts just so we can have something more substantial up on the site before 10:30 a.m. Oh, did you want to know what we watched? I have no idea what everyone else watched, but I'll tell you what I watched, Matt, you piece of shit.
What we watched: Nothing. I did not watch television at all last night. But I'll turn it on right now, at 2 a.m., and let you know which programs tickle my fancy. Okay, SportsCenter. Awesome. I won't spoil it for you because then that will create even more problems this morning. Scrolling down the guide, I just clicked on Santa's Toy Shop on QVC because I like Christmas, but the Christmas wares the chipper male spokesmodels are peddling at this hour have actually ruined it for me. They're selling something called "Soft Rodz Free-Rolling Squishy Vehicles w/Light And Sound" which are boxy toy car-like things made of a soft substance so that when young children ram them into each other (as children who play with toy cars are prone to do) they won't bust into a million pieces because, you see, they squish. Choking hazard averted, I guess. I've skimmed the basic cable channels and there's nothing worth my bloodshot eyeballs. The movies on the HBOs right now? Seed Of Chucky; Switch; MacGruber; West Side Story; Dutch;, Alien Sex Files 3: Sex Wars; and La Nana. Showtime's offerings? Jackass: The Movie;Big Brother After Dark; Kaboom;; Bikini Chain Gang;Women In Trouble;Bud Greenspan Presents: Beijing 2008; and Bobby Slayton: Born To Be Bobby. So tough titties for us on the boob-tubing last night, but at least you now know I tried. Instead, I suggest you all go back and watch the mesmerizing Up With Bleacher Report! video at the bottom of the Fab Five's somber introductory posts because I 've watched that thing 456 times over the past three hours to see if I can spot the guns pointed at their temples from behind that brick wall.
Oh, links? You want links, Matt? Where are you from? Because...
I hope your office isn't based in Oracoke Island because, if so, you should hightail it out of there instead of reading this or else you will drown: "We jam-packed as much fun as we could into the remainder of Tuesday," said Jessica Stanton Tice of Charleston, W.Va. She left Ocracoke Island on an early-morning ferry with her husband and toddler. 'We're still going to give North Carolina our vacation business, but we're going to Asheville' in the mountains, she said." [CTPost]
And even if you do survive Hurricane Irene's wrath, Matt, do not underestimate how a freaky shot of Mother Nature can make you just snap. Yesterday one guy felt those tremors, then just dropped his pants and went a-stabbin': "The naked, knife-wielding madman who stabbed four people in his Washington Heights apartment building yesterday thought the earthquake was the end of the world, witnesses said today." [NYPost]
How about an interlude, Matt? Will that be an adequate replacement until you feel comfortable enough slamming 5-Hour Energy before your first coffee break?
Monster Baby Zerbert interlude, you screeching vermin:
Had enough, Matt? Because I have. I can't even remember the last time I had to put together a WUD post, but I believe it was around the time that little Asian thief jumped on my back. No such luck this time.
So have you guys read through this whole thing? Is there another post up yet? If not, well, it should be. I'm sure there's a quicklink we can toss up until we start passing around today's primo shit.
* You'll probably get a book excerpt from the new Football Outsiders opus, which means it's the one day of the year Aaron Schatz can't condescend to us.
* Your first round of overwrought fantasy football emails will be revealed
* And, then, if you're good, later today we'll continue to agitate some folks just because.
It's Thursday. Just shut it.