If we all thought we might be in danger of having our emails leaked to the general public, we might write our emails differently. We might, for example, not exchange hypothetical emails with our hypothetical agents asking him to cover up hypothetical stories relating our infidelity. We might, hypothetically, type "are" instead of "r." But that's a difficult thing to plan for.
The Miami New Times has released its third round of leaked emails from Shaquille O'Neal's account. This time, we're treated to a panicked exchange between Diesel and his agent, Robert Parrish, after Shaq's Blue Chips costar Anthony C. Hall had forwarded an email he'd received from a woman named Christina. A TMZ reporter named Eric had asked her to cooperate for a story on her relationship with Shaq for $3,500:
I received pictures and was advised to contact Christina at this email address and the telephone number [redacted] I was told that Christina is the woman with Shaquille O'Neal in these pictures. TMZ is willing to pay you $3,500.00 for your written story & proof that you were involved with Shaquille O'Neal while he resided in Scottsdale, AZ.
This inspired a rapid-fire email exchange between Shaq and Parrish, who pledged to keep TMZ from making dollars on his client:
Shaq: Tmz is offering people money, read below
Parrish: We can't stop them from offering money. Every pic every story is for sale. We will have Dennis [Roach, Shaq's attorney] send the a letter. We got to be careful we don't want TMZ reporting that Shaq and his people are trying to start us from reporting "news". We know its bs but the will use anything to promote their site. They would love to have a "riff" with Shaq. Who is Christina we need to talk to her.Chief and I are having breakfast with you in the morning.
Shaq: They kno the emails are stolen, that's why they contacting , people. Thet are harassing, those emails are stolen
Parrish: I got a contact now with TMZ I'm talking with
Shaq: The point is we dnt want them do what they r doing to tiger, they got him wit steroids and all dat shit
Parrish: We are working hard on this. Although the stuff is stolen TMZ n the other website marketing themselves as gossip entertainment not credible new reporting ie CNN, I'm with you on this we are going to see how good our contact is
Shaq: Ok but in the meantime o boy needs to b put in jail, we have way to many law enforcement connections to let a criminal try to get over on mine o mine, we dnt need any distraction was we deal with our harvard guy, shoe line guy, retaraunt guy, real estate guy, and everything we are planning to do for the after basketball life. I promised u I would stay outta trouble, I kept my word, but cannot control somebody dtealing and selling emails. Come on now protect me from this.
I lost my family because of this guy, come on now
Parrish: Got it he will be stopped n pay for this
All this needs is some XXL trench coats, a rainy night, and a lonesome phone booth to set the groundwork for the greatest R. Kelly hip hopera of all time. It also wouldn't hurt if Kazaam made a cameo.
For now, Shaq is (incredibly) still employed and still making things work with his five-foot-two girlfriend. But we're guessing the New Times isn't stopping here—so in the meantime, I-Team, just who might this Christina be?