If You Taunt Gary One More Time, He's Received Permission From His Wife To Fight You In Real Life

As we've seen with our "Life Lessons" segment, some people take sports way too seriously. But none as serious as fantasy football players. Each week, we'll feature some of the whiniest, bitchiest, nastiest, most sociopathic emails from this group of very special people so you can point and laugh at them from the safety of your computer. If you've got some beauties from your own league, send them to tips@deadspin.com

The Setup:

I'd prefer anonymity, but I received this email from a douchebag in one of my leagues. He quit the next year, and I have to admit that I was pretty merciless in ragging on him. I suppose it isn't all that funny but for the fact that he a) discussed me with his pregnant wife b) wanted to meet up somewhere to fight, never mind the fact that I live in Chicago and he lived in Virginia Beach

CR

SUBJECT: Can I have your address?
From: Gary
To: Chuck

I joined this league to play fantasy football, not insult other league members with my amateur comic act. I generally get along with everyone I know, except for those who blatantly disrespect me. Since that is obviously your thing, I would like to see your act live, lets meet somewhere where we can talk about it? If you don't agree to, you are a pussy hiding behind your keyboard. I am not a violent person, but I want you to come say all the names and insults you have directed towards me to my face. I've read them and my wife has read them and she is supportive of me putting an end to our feud once and for all. Your insults have been way off base and uncalled for. Have you notice that I don't go out of my way to call you names on the message board? Why would I want to purposely cause a conflict with a fellow fantasy league member that I assume joined this league with good intentions to play fantasy football? Why would I want to waste my time going out of my way to insult someone I do not even know? You obviously have some self esteem issues to feel the urge to go out of your way to put someone you have never even met down continuously. You have too much time on your hands obviously and seem to want an ass kicking, or you would not be emailing me insults after I have already asked you not to communicate with me. I don't appreciate it and frankly think you should apologize to me publicly for your attacks. Is that what you get out of fantasy football? Do you have any class? Didn't your Mother teach you if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? I mean come on, your friends with Gordon, and ive met him, enough said.! If you really cant help your self and need an asskicking, come to Richmond to Erich's house, come to Virginia Beach, or name the location, any time and I will make sure I am there. Unlike you, I do not have time to for your gay message board games or to respond to your immature insults every week. I have twin 3 yr old boys and a beautiful expecting wife that kinda of outweigh your shenanigans. Apologize to me for your hollow insults, and I will call a truce or, keep insulting me and make arrangements for us to meet. What's it going to be chuck?

Message Board Meltdowns: Take The Imaginary Ball And Go Home Edition

The Setup:

The two emails below address an owner who dumped the final regular season game of 2003 by benching Marshall Faulk on Monday Night Football which knocked the Heroes out of the playoffs. I still have access to them because they are posted on our message board to kick off every season. The victim also left five or six voicemails leading up to the monday night kickoff, moved out of town about a month later, and didn't talk to any of us for several years. I have been trying to get him voted back into the league ever since.

—Attn: The Old Guard
by: Hamptons Heroes (coachgagnon) Dec 9, 10:54 am MST
Obviously I was most affected by Bevis' decision last night. I don't think his choice is right and I do not think it is Bevis' place to decided who goes on in the playoffs and who does not. Pat should not be in the playoffs and we all know that. I am also rather disturbed with some of the fellow coaches in the league for their stance on this issue. Where is your moral compass? I want Bevis either kicked out of the league or suspended from the playoffs for this. As well, this has ended our friendship Bevis. I see this as a glimpse into who you are as a person. Anyone who would do this to their so called friend is a piece of shit. What else are you capable of if you would deliberatley either fuck over me or Pearson to win at a game? Anyway I have had it with this fantasy shit. I can't believe we have all taken a game so seriously that we sacrifice friendships for an amount of money that in the long run is minuscule. If this is reversed and I get into the playoffs this year then so be it. But I am not returning next year.

—Either Way
by: Hamptons Heroes (coachgagnon) Dec 9, 11:41 am MST
And just to make my point clear. If I would have won and taken a playoff spot, my previous posting would have been the same. Who are you people? My take was that this was a way for friends to stay in contact with one another and maybe win some money along the way. You know, I was out last night with my lady when all this came down the pipe and I told her what was going on and she couldn't even understand why somebody would do that. I had a hard time as well.
Even if you would have lost Pete, I would still have this sour taste in my mouth from what went down. My one good thought though was that today I would get on this site and people would feel similar to how I felt. Some of you do and that restores faith in a few of my friends. The rest of you, I do not understand this tough shit mentality, especially you Pearson, for christ sakes. The Meulemans, Bevis, Dallas and Pearson...why am I not suprised at this lineup.
And I am sorry if the 5 of you think this shouldn't be taken personally, but I guess there is a split between what some perceive is a game of enjoyment and others see as gambling. Regardless of the outcome, Bevis was fucking over one of his friends. How does that sit well with anybody?