So This Is Why Black People Don't Play Fantasy Football

As we've seen with our "Life Lessons" segment, some people take sports way too seriously. But none as serious as fantasy football players. Each week, we'll feature some of the whiniest, bitchiest, nastiest, most sociopathic emails from this group of very special people so you can point and laugh at them from the safety of your computer. If you've got some beauties from your own league, send them to tips@deadspin.com

The Setup:

The commissioner was (rightfully) pissed off that people had not paid him for our fantasy baseball and football league and was threatening to lock teams out. Racist McGee here argued against it in broken English — Christa

From: Yahoo! Sports
Date: Sun, Aug 7, 2011 at 9:50 AM
Subject: Andrew LM posted a new message in your Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball league, Send Rose to hall
To: xxxx@gmail.com

Subject: bullshit

ok so i havent heard anything from anyone except the people who paid me. i am working nights so maybe thats the reason why but, you have till thursday to contact me if you havent paid and then im locking the teams out. as far as people who have paid go we have to choices i can make you all in the playoffs with the team with worst record just getting his by in back or i can just give the money back.

RESPONSE:

Subject: bullshit

Anyone Remember this Team?
Player
R
HR
RBI
SB
FPCT
AVG
OPS
Casey Blake 93 28 88 5 .940 .271 .840 Troy Glaus 47 18 42 2 .950 .251 .930 Matt Lawton 109 20 70 23 .986 .277 .787 Mike Lieberthal 58 17 61 1 .993 .271 .782 Victor Martinez 77 23 108 0 .994 .283 .851 Hideki Matsui 109 31 108 3 .978 .298 .912 Bill Mueller 75 12 57 2 .944 .283 .811 Edgar Renteria 84 10 72 17 .983 .287 .728 Jimmy Rollins 119 14 73 30 .986 .289 .803 Alfonso Soriano 77 28 91 18 .969 .280 .808 Ichiro Suzuki 101 8 60 36 .992 .372 .869 Jim Thome 97 42 105 0 .994 .274 .977 Larry Walker 51 17 47 6 .992 .298 1.013 Randy Winn 84 14 81 21 .991 .286 .773
Pitching
Player
APP
W
SV
K
ERA
WHIP
Erik Bedard 27 6 0 121 4.59 1.60 Octavio Dotel 77 6 36 122 3.69 1.18 Dustin Hermanson 47 6 17 102 4.53 1.36 Jason Johnson 33 8 0 125 5.13 1.43 Brad Lidge 80 6 29 157 1.90 0.92 Greg Maddux 33 16 0 151 4.02 1.18 Jose Mesa 70 5 43 37 3.25 1.41 Oliver Pérez 30 12 0 239 2.98 1.15 Kenny Rogers 35 18 0 126 4.76 1.48 Woody Williams 31 11 0 131 4.18
1.32

Paul Wilson 29 11 0 117 4.36
1.39 This was my team NYSTEROIDABUSERS in 2003. They finished in 3rd Place behind Brian and a team named Derek and Derek. The truth is that my money has always been good and to think that you want to blame the issues of this league on the fact that my $100 has not been received is insane. The truth is that I have a lot going on and considering that whether it is Football or Baseball, over the past 8 years, no one has ever waited and I always have paid.

Locking the teams is not the correct answer either. I am not sure who you have in this league but the majority of the people are good, honest and white, No Offense. Do to the crying and being that I am 30 games out, I will send my donation to you. I will include interest because I know I caused you Great Stress.

What ever you decide to do with the league is fine. But, I will not be the reason. — Rich

Message Board Meltdowns: ALL CAPS MEANS IT'S IMPORTANT

The Setup:

This comes from after week 1 last year, a rant on the value of blocked
extra points in our league. He had petitioned that we change the
league rules and the commissioner said that we already voted on
everything and that we could wait for next year(note he lost by ~20
that week anyways). While I actually agree with his logic of the
value of the play, the argument as usual was a little over the top.
We have grown to love these emails from him the past 5 years and hope
that he will keep them coming for many years.
-Kurt

Here you go:

"thats like saying: well the DNA evidence that was found that
exonerates this dude wont be used. JUST BECAUSE WE DIDNT HAVE IT
BEFORE THE TRIAL STARTED.

its ridiculous, this only impacts 1 game, our game. I would totally be
for the offseason theory if it was like week 11 and i was complaining,
and it happened before and then 2 or more weeks/thus playoff
implications and records games would be effected, and it would be a
mess. this is not a mess, and an easy fix, but hey logic is for
pussies.

What was the saints net gain from the blocked XP? 1 point. FACT not
opinion. What did he gain from the same blocked XP 3
points...FACT NOT OPINION.

dont drop the ball like Bud Selig in the no-hitter game that wasnt changed...

WE HAVE THE POWER AND THE ABILITY TO SAY, YES ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY IT
HAPPENED DURING THE SEASON BUT IT IS THE FIRST GAME, THE FIRST WEEK
ONLY EFFECTING US. IF WE CHANGE IT NOW, IT WILL STILL BE THE SAME FOR
EVERYONE ELSE IN THE LEAGUE IN EVERY OTHER GAME. ALTHOUGH THE SEASON
HAS STARTED WE ARE NOT ORANGUTANS...WE ARE LOGICAL HUMAN BEINGS WHO
CAN SEE BISCUIT RULES FOR WHAT THEY ARE....BISCUIT
RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND WHEN NOTHING ELSE WOULD BE AFFECTED BECAUSE
WE GOT LUCKY AND IT HAPPENED EARLY, WE CAN CHANGE IT.

just because we didn't notice it until now, does not make it any less biscuity.
and the fact that i should "learn the rules" or whatever else smug
response you wanna give commish...i dont have time and neither does
anyone else to scour every frigging scoring thing with a fine toothed
comb.

NOW I WANNA KNOW...WHOS COMING WITH ME?"