The expert authors of America's Douchiest Colleges present a Deadspin exclusive ranking of America's leading douchey football schools, in order of douchiness.
1. Ohio State
The departure of Jim Tressel (the Big Tress! The Vest! The Ragin' Accountant!! The humorless man who appears not to have taken a satisfying dump since the late 90s!) who for years allowed Buckeye fans to argue that their football program was pristine, that they possessed some kind of moral high ground, that they were not the Midwestern version of the backwaters of the SEC—with him gone, the 2011 Buckeyes should be way less douchey, right? Um.
Their football team will suck, as usual. But the very reminder of Duke's existence—even if by dint of their appearance in the score crawl at the bottom of the screen while we're watching Ohio State lose to, hopefully, everyone—is enough to earn a spot here.
We're talking about the Quiddich team. Those bros are ANIMALS, bro.
4. Notre Dame
The Midwestern, Catholic Duke, with their assumption of specialness, righteousness… and pent-up-ness.
5. Williams College
This year, as in every year, it all comes down to this question: Can the future fund managers of Williams beat the future corporate lawyers of Amherst in a game of football? The Little Three title will undoubtedly be at stake, and to lose is to risk never being able to show your face in Pequot Storytelling Traditions class again. Go Ephmen!
6. South Carolina
Two words: Steve Spurrier. And a third, just for fun: Cocks.
If we have to watch one more blow-dried ESPN analyst splooge on his houndstooth blazer as he rhapsodizes about the smart, hardnosed brand of football played by thick-necked white running backs who also major in biotech, we're going to start a social media platform!
8. Ole Miss
Who cares if they're perennially mediocre. Spend an afternoon drinking with these prematurely old Southern fraternity brothers dressed in Madras jackets and rep ties and you will know why their douchiness, like their love of a mascot named "Colonel Reb" (departed from all but their hearts), spans generations.
9. Boise State
We're sure you have a legit beef with the BCS. We just don't want to hear about it any more. Also: Blue field a little hard to track while stoned.
Inhuman practice schedules, perennial recruiting violations, accusations of signal-stealing, kickbacks, steroids, riots, orgies, secret hamentashen stashes, and the brief kidnapping of Urban Meyer in the off-season. The quintessential football factory.
The team will be good, this is assured. But not as good as the fun you'll have at the Gator Growl. Your intinerary: Smoke a bunch of schwaggy weed in the back of your tricked-out Civic on your way to the Swamp. Get so drunk on grain punch that you pass out on the grass, somewhere between Dane Cook's act and the Steve Miller Band. Have to be carried back to some stranger's dorm room, where you wake up to cheers from the goateed strangers who cracked eggs in your hair and drew cocks and balls on your forehead with dry-erase markers. Watch the fourth quarter.
Could deal with the inflated sense of academic excellence and the amnesia about how crappy the sports programs are now if the girls were SEC-level attractive. Fifty billion students and not even a boobsy cutaway before the commercial break during the Iowa game.
13. Ohio State
First-ever school to be ranked twice in the Top 25! Why? Win or lose, keep the Chevy Fiesta you got for graduation off campus this weekend: we're gonna beat up on Bowling Green and then light some shit on fire!
Jesus, pick a jersey.
But not that jersey.
16. Bob Jones University
Not sure if they have a football team and, if they do, why it might be douchey. But think about it this way: Could you come up with a reason it wouldn't be?
You know what's super-awesome? UVA. And dressing up for football games. And orange flat-front khakis. And grosgrain belts. And pastel-y Polo hats, worn backwards. And sorority girls, who love it when you put your arm around them, casual-like, and be all, yeah, what's up dude, I'm just hanging out, drinkin' some juleps at The University? And pretending to be, like, deep deep Southern, with the bushy-bowly haircut and the plaid tie. Even though your dad's a lobbyist from New Jersey who lives in Alexandria.
Lane Kiffin: find us two douchier words in the English language. (Besides Duke, Steve Spurrier, and Duke.)
19. Texas A&M
We've never actually been there, but College Station just seems like the most joyless place in the world (that is not called "University of Chicago"). Upside: Ain't a fuckin' hippie or Goldman Sachs summer internship tote in sight.
Why do they have to be good every year? It's just awfully hard to give a shit either way.
21. University of Vermont
Doesn't even have a football team. What kind of a state school is this? (One that prepares you to make small-batch hardwood syrups.)
Chance of having to watch Mack Brown pose on the sideline with a severely ripped, tanned, and silken-tressed Matthew McConaughey: 37 percent.
They don't really care about football; they only do it because it's part of an ongoing research project on social constructs, heteronormativity, and the SEC.
25. Texas Christian University
Seriously, sports were better when the same schools were good every year. Fuck parity.
Peter Littleton is in an expert on higher education, and spirit guide. He lives with his two Weimaraners, Descartes and Mitch Albom. H.L. Rogers is a bitter, lonely man who begrudges others their happiness. They have written 42 books on higher education (including: Unleashing the Douche Within and Seven Habits of Highly Douchey Douches). They rank douchey colleges for GQ. Buy America's Douchiest Colleges on Amazon.