We Remind You Once Again That Dan Shaughnessy Is Putrid

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're smells, toilet paper, gin, and more. Shaugnessy photo by Nancy Nutile-McMenemy.

Your letters:

Sean:

My older brother is a Philadelphia Phillies fan and my little brother is a Boston Red Sox fan. During the 2009 World Series, my little brother despite being a Red Sox fan rooted for the Yankees to spite my older brother. Is this allowed in sports fandom or is he trying too hard to be a heel?

Your little brother is a piece of shit. Tell him to his face. A PIECE OF SHIT. By his reasoning, he hates his own brother more than he hates the Yankees. And here I thought Red Sox fans hated nothing more than those pesky Yankees. It all goes back to my argument that Red Sox fans and Yankees fans secretly adore one another and want to hump on the bathroom floor. "I FACKIN' HATE YOU! I FACKIN' HATE YOU! I FACKIN' LOOOOVEEEE YOU!!!!"

You see, if the Yankees succeed while the Red Sox fail, Red Sox fans can still bitch about them and do their whole "sky is falling" routine. They can always take that Yankees win and make it about themselves. But if neither team makes the World Series, then it isn't as easy to do. It isn't as easy to be like, "Noooo! The fackin' Giants won it awll! OWAH HAHHHTS AHH BROKEN!"

By the way, speaking of the Red Sox, did you see this fucking Shaugnessy column? Did you? The only thing worse than Pubeface's column is the Schwab ad-style artwork of his big stupid face over in the sidebar.

We are reeling. Our world no longer makes sense... Have there been worse days in the history of New England sports?

Oh, God. EAT A BAG OF AIDS. Your football team lost in Week 2 and your baseball team has won two titles in the past decade. OMIGAWD! IT'S BILL BUCKYDENTNAHHHBOONE ALL OVAH AGAIN! What a complete ass. When a Boston team wins, he's an ass. When a Boston team loses, he's an ass. AMERICA IS SUFFERING FROM YOUR CUNTINESS.

Nathan:

Is toilet paper gluttony at work acceptable? At home, I'll use two to three squares per wipe depending on the quality of the paper. At work? I gleefully spin off of a fistful for every pass; probably 14-15 squares at a time. Granted work TP isn't high quality, but I can't help but to indulge in the luxury of free toilet paper and knowing the commode would suck down a bowling ball.

Yeah, I concur with that. Work TP is usually Scott Tissue, which is thinner than most cell membranes. You HAVE to use a lot of it. You can spin off 500 yards of Scott tissue and by the time you've bunched it all together it's condensed down to the size of a bullion cube. It's brutal stuff. You have to use as much as possible to prevent the stinkfinger. And if that means clogging the work toilet, so be it. You know damn well that's not YOUR problem. Totally different story at home. In order to avoid a call to the plumber, I'm basically trying to wipe my ass with a postage stamp.

I take a secret amount of pleasure in abusing free stuff. At the gym shower, I of course use FISTFULS of free conditioner, which makes my hair smoother than an ice rink. And if there's free food to be had in an office, sometimes I'll test out various foods to see which one is best fit to gorge on. Like if there's a tray of cookies and they're all different, I may test drive one cookie by eating a bite. And if it's not awesome, I'll just throw that shit away and try another one, hoping it's better. Meanwhile, babies in Cambodia are dying of starvation. Tough shit, kids. Maybe if you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, you too would be able to callously discard of cheesecake brownies when they don't live up to your expectations.

Zach:

I recently read a study that essentially said drinking diet soda is better for you than drinking orange juice. Whenever I tell people about this, they get outraged, terrified that their years of drinking orange juice to stay healthy were all for nothing. Does this also enrage you?

It does not, because I drink far more diet soda than I do orange juice. Orange juice gives me phlegm and canker sores. All diet soda will give me is fifth-stage pancreatic cancer ten years from now! NOT EVEN CLOSE.

This is the kind of information the big-money juice lobbyists in Washington don't want you to know. Juice is just soda without the bubbly deliciousness. One cup of OJ has nearly 30 grams of sugar, which is actually more sugar than what you'd find in one cup of Coke. Giving your kid juice is basically saying to them, "Here! I'd like you to start throwing shit and crying in five minutes! DRINK UP, JOHNNY!" It's idiotic. Juice is a waste of time.

Kristofferson Kriskristofferson:

On average, how many napkins do you use while eating a burger?

The answer is infinity. I grab as many off the stack as I can, which is why many fast food joints and rest stops have instituted stingier napkin dispensers, to keep folks like me from grabbing fistfuls of them and killing entire swaths of national timber acreage in the process. I also take far more Taco Bell sauce than is acceptable. I take enough packets to make a bed for a small animal to lie down and sleep on. I want enough Fire Sauce to char my colon completely. I don't want to use this colon one day longer, I tell you!

By the way, I was out with a friend eating sushi last week and the sushi joint refused to keep a bottle of soy sauce on the table. Instead, every time my little soy sauce boat ran low, I had to flag down a waitress. UNACCEPTABLE. Listen to me, you sushi-serving, hentai-porn watching FREAKS: You give me my soy sauce bottle on the table, so that I can drown my shit in sodium as I see fit. I AM RUNNING THE FUCKING SHOW HERE. NOT YOU.

Brad:

Often, when I attempt to type Deadspin's URL into my iPhone's address bar, I often accidentally type "Deafspin.com." I get only an error message, but what do you suppose would exist on a hypothetical "Deafspin.com"?

The site of a lobbying firm representing the hearing impaired. And what does Big Deaf's trade association want? I'll tell you what they want: to push their deaf agenda on the American public. They'd like deaf people to be able to MARRY. They want more deaf characters on TV, and not just the ones played by Marlee Matlin. They want more deaf Congressmen. Well, I'm sorry, deaf people. But I'm not gonna let you run roughshod over my nation and its values. I CAN'T HEAR YOUR DEMANDS.

Patrick:

What percentage of your bathroom visits account for dumping? I'd say I'm at about a 3/1 ratio of peeing to dumping. I feel as though this is normal.

That probably is normal. I'm a freak with a chronic weak bladder, so I go to the bathroom to piss about twenty times a day (not an exaggeration). I even went to therapy for it. And I improved after a while, until I stopped doing all the asshole-strengthening exercises I was supposed to do. Now I'm back to pissing like an 87-year-old.

(FUN FACT: I learned in physical therapy that you can alleviate the urge to urinate by pulling up on your bellybutton. Try it! You'll giggle!)

So my percentages are all out of whack. The average person pisses about 6-8 times a day and defecates once or twice. So that 3-1 ratio is right about on target. Here would be the normal breakdown of a man's trips the bathroom (not time spent, but number of visits):

45% Urination
15% Defecation
15% Self-Gratification
10% Showering
15% Deliberately going into the bathroom and doing nothing simply to avoid talking to people/doing work, or to simply bury your head in your hands and cry

Now, that's a normal person. Mine is:

75% Urination
5% Showering
5% Defecation
5% Self-Gratification
5% Avoiding socializing
5% Walking in with my dick in my hand, unsure if I have to piss or not

I didn't factor kids into this. Kids ruin those percentages, especially during potty training. I spend a solid ten to twenty minutes in the bathroom every night hunched over the tub trying to get my kids clean. By the time it's over, my knees are ON FIRE. It's horrible. Never wash your children.

Paul:

We're all fucking off at the end of the work day today talking about douchebags that used to work here. Someone mentioned this former middle management guy that you could just tell was a total ass clown. He eventually left the company or got canned, not sure, 6 or 7 years ago. Someone thought they had heard he became a motivational speaker, so we googled him and VOILA! This website is GOLD.

Mistakes are NOT an option.

Mitchell:

I am going to be a senior in college this fall. I am an English major, but I have no idea what to do with the degree once I graduate. If you had to give a college kid advice for the "real world" what would it be?

Your future success lies in whether or not you can make other people money. That's the beginning and end of it. Like, if you're a bank teller, you're fucked. You're not generating revenue. You're basically a necessary evil your bank would like to do away with as soon as it can get old people to finally figure out how to use and to trust a goddamn ATM. You're overhead. You don't want ever want to stay in a job like that, because you're essentially waiting to get shitcanned. It's one of the horrible things about working out in the real world: That creeping realization that what you do has virtually no value to whoever it is you work for. It's a shitty, lonely feeling.

One other random tangent: one of the reasons the American economy is fucked is because of health care. It's really hard to get decent health care if you don't work for some giant corporation, and so the general incentive for American workers is to go to work for some big asshole company, when the incentive should be for people to strike out on their own and follow their own business ambitions. I say this because I spend $800 a month on a stupid health care plan and every time I write that check I want to unleash Global Thermonuclear War on my insurance company's headquarters.

You know what? Just... don't go out into the real world. Do what Thornton Mellon told you to do. Go live off your parents like a goddamn leech for a few more years. You don't want this kind of heat. It blows.

Steven:

I had a dream last night that I beat a coworker to death with a baseball bat because he was molesting his daughter. I barely know the guy and I don't think he has kids and before last night, I harbored no ill will towards him. I just ran into him in the hall and I kept walking since I didn't know what to say to the child molester. What's the protocol here?

I think you're gonna have to stalk him, just to make sure. It has to be MORE than a dream, doesn't it? Isn't it your ESP powers telling you this man is a kiddiediddler? I think so.

By the way, I've never had a dream where the scenario in my brain actually comes to pass. And that is bullshit. I feel like everyone is entitled to at least one creepy instance of a dream proving prescient. MY GOD! THE PLANE REALLY IS CRASHING!

HALFTIME!

Lobo:

What's the difference between seltzer water and club soda?

No clue, and I say this as someone who drinks two giant bottles of Zazz every day. THE BUBBLES MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE. A simple Google search reveals club soda has more sodium. Also, tonic water is still made from dead baby plasma.

James:

If you could attain a superpower that would allow you to feel completely refreshed and alert 24/7 without having to sleep, would you take it if it meant that you could never actually sleep? If you think about it, you could get an insane amount done during that extra time, and you would never feel sluggish like everyone else in the world, but the caveat is you would never have the break of sleep nor dreams. You could lie down and "rest" but it wouldn't do anything.

I read Keith Richards' autobiography and apparently Keith NEVER sleeps. Maybe ten hours a week or so. He says this has allowed him to live half an extra lifetime. He even stayed up five days straight once to record "Before They Make Me Run". His secret? 100% UNCUT MERCK PHARMACEUTICAL COCAINE. And I guess this would make you a more productive human being, but I'd fucking kill myself if I never slept, even if I never got tired. Because most everyone else would still be asleep, and that would suck. Ever been stuck up at night wide awake without anything to do? No one to call? Nothing on TV? No one to email? No websites you like updated from earlier in the day? It blows. It feels like you're dead to the world. Meanwhile, everyone else is fast asleep and dreaming of ninja sex and floating in the sky on giant taco shells. I'll take the sleep. Sleep allows you to take a break from this universe and allows your subconscious to work out shit it doesn't have time to figure out when you're awake. It also gives you a fresh reset to the day. Ever go to sleep pissed at someone, then wake up and not feel as pissed anymore? Sleep did that. NO MURDERING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU!

Troy:

Have you ever come to one of those flashing lights that says "Red traffic signal ahead when flashing", and come upon a green light? I always feel like I just cheated traffic or something. It is the greatest thing ever!

It's even better when you come across a sign telling you there's road work or congestion ahead, only you realize after a few more miles that the sign was WRONG. Here I was, waiting for some horrible hourlong bottleneck, and the road is free and clear! It's like I was just given an extra hour to live. I feel like a hundred dollars.

Kevin:

My wife told my daughter she did not want to cook bacon because she didn't want the whole house to smell like it.

Why not?

If you had to pick the top 3 different smells that you could pick your house to smell like 24/7, wouldn't one of them be bacon? Women.

I've heard the same complaint from my wife, and not just with regards to bacon. Pretty much any lingering smell from a meal will cause her to remark the next day. "Hey, it still smells like roast chicken in here." It does? WELL COUNT YOUR LUCKY STARS BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS DELICIOUS. This is because women have the olfactory senses of a goddamn bloodhound. I can't get away with ANY smell in my house. Not secret bacon snacking. Not a quiet fart over in the playroom. All of it gets detected, which is BULLSHIT. If it were up to me, the whole house would smell like bacon, barbecue, and roasted nuts all day long.

And it's even worse if they're pregnant. A pregnant woman can smell farts you haven't even laid yet.

Anon:

I work in an office with a tiny bathroom with only 2 stalls. The problem with this bathroom isn't the size, but this black faux marble tile that is extremely reflective. So reflective that when if you're sitting in one stall while the other is occupied, and you both position your legs incorrectly, you can look each other in the face mid-shit. Here's a picture I took from my eye level while the other stall was empty. You can clearly see the bowl and the flushing mechanism, plus a lot more when it's occupied. This forces me to have to spread my legs wider than my optimal pooping stance (knees at shoulder width apart, so I can lean on my elbows while playing games on my phone) in order to block any potential line of sight. Not to mention that I can now separate my coworkers into standers and sitters when it comes to the wiping issue, WHICH IS INFORMATION I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE. This stupid decision to not use a normal tile turns my relaxing poops, which can provide a welcome break in the middle of the workday, into rushed situations where I scramble to finish before anybody else comes in. What should I do?!

We Remind You Once Again That Dan Shaughnessy Is PutridS

Oof. That is brutal. It's hard to just say, "Don't shit at work," because shitting at work is FUN and because you gotta go when you gotta go. Also, a simple "look up" instruction also proves foolhardy because half the joy of pooping is staring at the floor while you're bearing down and pushing that little fudgebaby out of your body. You need to do a couple of things. ONE: Begin taking Metamucil so that you can establish a regular pooping schedule. I take Metamucil every day, and the trains run on time. 9AM and lunchtime. The schedule is IRONCLAD. That way, I know when I'll be shitting, and can plan accordingly. If you find your office bathroom unacceptable, you're going to have to plan ventures out of the office to go poop in restaurants or perhaps even a nearby hotel. You can do that when you know your BM schedule. Otherwise, you're gonna have to scout out other bathrooms in the building (I assume they're all similar) or rub down the floor of your bathroom with vaseline.

Nick:

I have a list of things that due to a certain 'overindulgence' or 'specific event' I have personally ruined for life. I can't even take a sip of orange juice because of the terrifying amount of screwdrivers consumed in college. I can't touch gin because of the involvement in a game of beruit using it instead of beer. My 4 year college diet of nightly switching between rice and spaghetti has destroyed the appeal of both. Anything you'd like to share with the class? Can be music and movies too.

I feel like everyone has a liquor or spirit that they avoid due to a bad experience. Like you, I can never drink gin again because, when I was on the football team in college, we ended two-a-days every year by throwing a G&T party, where everyone got shitfaced on gin & tonics even though, as I said earlier, tonic water is made from dead baby plasma. And, this being college, the team captains would buy equal parts gin to tonic. Sometimes, they barely bought tonic at all.

I remember going up to the bar and the team captain poured the cup 7/8 full of gin and then added a splash of tonic. And I remember standing there horrified, because I didn't really want to drink it, but I was also scared of asking him for more tonic and looking like a complete gash. But in the back of my mind I was like, "I don't want to drink this. I really don't. I shouldn't do something I don't want to do." So I asked him for a little extra tonic and he just smiled and shook his head. Not a fucking chance in hell he was gonna top it off. So I drank it and then had some more and then threw up all over the goddamn place. Gin is awful.

I also can't listen to Fountains of Wayne anymore, which is a band I used to like, only I put too many of their songs on the office iPod a few years ago and thus the office playlist was unbalanced towards playing a fucking FOW song every ten minutes. I killed the shit out of them. I do that with bands a lot, as I'm sure you have. And if you ever want to read the old (gory details can be found bleu cheese story, you can find it over at KSK. Do not eat lunch while reading it. And NEVER eat at Pizzeria Uno. Ever.

BW:

So last October I was hiking with my fiancée (now wife), who enjoys that sort of thing. I'm lazy and prefer to sit on the couch. Anyway, on this particular hike, I was bitten by a tick, which I later discovered (after a series of late night hives invasions and emergency room visits) made me allergic to mammal meat. Short of an allergy to beer or cheese dip, this has to be the shittiest allergy ever, right? I mean, I can still eat chicken and fish, but fuck, that shit every meal gets old fast.

The outdoors can go fist itself.

Holy shit, that's possible? A tick can ruin you for bacon forever? That's not right. I'd much rather have the tick give me Lyme Disease. At least I'd get some sleep. I know people who are allergic to alcohol, which is probably something that will keep your healthy and living longer but holy shit does it sound horrible. Sometimes, I think people who say they're allergic to booze are just making it up. They turn red when they drink and they're like, "I think I'm allergic to red wine!" Whatever, honey. You're shithoused and ashamed of it! The only thing you're allergic to is objective self-analysis!

Also, I'd never want to be allergic to water. Or oxygen. Those would be troublesome allergies.

Jake:

You have been sent to Hell. Doesn't matter why. Anyhow, in Hell you live with a roommate, and the Devil, being the ridiculous fellow that he is, makes you choose between two people as your roommate: Adolf Hitler or Jeffery Dahmer. Who do you choose?

I don't think it's even a question that you'd choose Hitler. I wouldn't want Dahmer constantly trying to cut open my ghost body and eat my ghost organs. Furthermore, Dahmer isn't as interesting of a person. When he wasn't killing people and eating them, he was more or less keeping to himself and going to work like your average boring person. Hitler, on the other hand, overthrew his government, started a war, and engineered death and murder on an almost unimaginable scale. He so endlessly fascinates people that even those born well after he passed away (like myself) are still prone to wonder about his motivations and methods. If I were stuck as his roommate in Hell, and it turned out that I wasn't able to kick him in his stupid Kraut ghost jaw, I'd pepper him with questions FOREVER. Why the fuck did you do it? What's with the mustache? Were you sexually deviant? Who do you like in the GOP primary (ZING!)? I'd never tire of grilling him. Shit, I'd ASK for him to be my roommate. Much better than Daulerio.

Email of the Week time:

Brandon:

I farted in the car with the circulating air turned on in my car. The fart smelled awful since I had been up until 3 in the morning the night before celebrating the Blackhawks Stanley Cup victory. After the standard 30 seconds the smell was "gone". But then I thought to myself, "Hey, I have the circulating air on in here. The same air I just farted into is just being recycled throughout my car". So my question is, did I just get used to the smell and thought it didn't smell anymore or is the whole circulating air thing just a total sham? Also "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd was on the radio while this thought process was going on. Seemed quite apropos.

I always thought the circulating air thing was a sham because, if you're car isn't taking in ANY new air from vents, wouldn't you eventually suffocate? (NOTE: I do not know science.) But I do think we all get used to smells after a while. Especially men. When I was in college, you'd walk into a friend's room and the smell would be horrid, and the friend would look at you like you were some kind of super-nosed freak for smelling anything. You get used to the stench.