More Overwrought Fantasy Emails: Joe's Going To Carve You Up, Drink Your Blood, Rape Your Sister, And Beat Your Mother

As we've seen with our "Life Lessons" segment, some people take sports way too seriously. But none as serious as fantasy football players. Each week, we'll feature some of the whiniest, bitchiest, nastiest, most sociopathic emails from this group of very special people so you can point and laugh at them from the safety of your computer. If you've got some beauties from your own league, send them to tips@deadspin.com

The setup:

I happen to be in a FF league with a kid named Joe K. that challenged me to a wrestling match in when he was sixteen or so and I was about 21, and this is where the bad blood started. One of those "I have a problem with you and I am going to show you who is boss" kinda things. Joe, being a 6'+/220 pound former high school wrestler and football player figured he'd roll me and shut me up because I only clocked in at 5'10"-170 and played soccer. Wrong. I subbed him with a particularly nasty guillotine from my back in a matter of seconds. He seemed stunned as he picked his lip out of his braces while I celebrated and mocked him. Fast forward to now, about 8 years later. He has been in my fantasy football league off and on for that time, and I occasionally pepper him with mild taunts about getting choked out, etc. Apparently I've gotten to him, here is the transcript:

Posted by: joseph k
To: Everyone
Sep 01, 09:39 pm ET

might as well give us the money now. cuz you pussies just lost!!!

Posted by: Chris S
To: Everyone
Sep 08, 04:18 pm ET

Joe,

You get your braces out of your lip yet, fag?

Fondly,

Your daddy.

Posted by: joseph k
To: Everyone
Sep 11, 02:44 pm ET

Christopher,

I will thoroughly enjoy using your blood as steak sauce after I gut you like a pig and eat you for dinner. Please note that I have no problem going to prison for your death. Please Please Please come back to Chicago so i can do the world a favor and kill you. also in my rage I will rape your whore sister and beat your mother bloody while your dad video tapes it.

Posted by: Chris S
To: Everyone
Sep 14, 10:58 am ET

That's unlikely Joe, my parents are divorced and the live in different states. And I don't understand why you would want to use my blood as steak sauce if you are planning on gutting me like a pig. A marinade is more appropriate for pork. Maybe garlic and lime?

Shit talking on a fantasy football message board seems like a bad reason to go to prison, but I suppose that there are throngs of toothless, uneducated hillbillies like yourself that go to prison for less.

If you are so deranged and hell bent on killing me, come on down to Texas... You have my phone number, I'll give you my address. Make sure you are wearing Kevlar though, because your fat rolls won't be able to stop rounds from my SKS. Your only hope is that I go for a headshot because you obviously have a lot of skull and not much brain to hit. And, fortunately for me, Texas as a state is fairly lenient on shooting people, especially when the idiot that gets shot threatens death/rape and blood used as a condiment online for everyone to see.

Splendo

Message Board Meltdowns: Why Can't Everyone Get A Prize Edition

The Setup:

Yesterday on my fantasy football league's message board one of the guys got his panties in a bunch over the prize payout in our baseball league. His beef: The team that loses the head-to-head finals matchup doesn't get any money. Keep in mind the payout structure had been posted since day 1 of the season and I (the commissioner) asked for feedback. Of course, this guy didn't provide any feedback. It's apparently also my fault that he didn't see the payout at the start of the year, even though it was posted right at the start of the season. Here's the rambling mess of shit he wrote yesterday.
-Scott

The Response:

Making the finals in any fantasy league is a feat and you get $0? That's fucking bush league and retarded. You should always at least get your entry fee back for making the finals. Pretty much standard that 2nd place always gets something. You want to stop watering it down than get rid of divisions, they are basically meaningless except you are paying the guy with the 2nd best (not always) record in the league $125.....

(don't take this personally Eddie)

Yeah, so Eddie gets $125 for having the 3rd best record in the league and losing in the first round of the playoffs. Kevin had a better record than him in the regular season and made the finals and could walk away with $0. Kind of dumb in my opinion.

Hey scott, go fuck yourself. To be fair, I never saw the payouts and if I had would've said something. I'm not even complaining on my behalf and where did I say my sole purpose is to make money in fantasy leagues?

What a faggy comment.

I've honestly never seen a league where one guy in the finals can walk away with nothing. A guy who had a better regular season record and a better playoff record gets nothing over a guy who did worse. I think it's dumb, so I'm saying it. I've also always thought divisions were dumb, but I'm the only one.

The payout hasn't been posted all year. Just looked at the commisioner notes from March, March and May. Take that argument and throw it in the trash. Scott I'm not talking about 7th place and I never said that I play fantasy for the money. So, argue the points at hand and not try to sensationalize it like a fucking Fox News Reporter.

Calmer than you are dude. I've just never seen a fantasy league screw the guy that makes the finals and loses and rewards a team who loses in the first round with a worse regular season record because they happen to be in a different division and they were the best of the bunch. Just makes no sense to me, and now the argument of "it's been posted all year" is totally false. So....whatever. I'm not freaking out, I'm just calling it super dumb. I'll make sure vote next year when the payout is posted. Cause, you know, I only play fantasy sports for the money.

It's all about the benjamins.