Your morning roundup for Oct. 9, the day we learned they won't keep you in the clink very long after threatening to cook your friend's mom. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

If You Dare Approach Frank Beamer On The Football Field, The Virginia State Police Will Disappear You

What we're watching: Baseball? Not a chance. Too soon. Way too soon. Ladies bike polo? That's not till next weekend. Waterworld? Hell yeah it was on at 6:10 a.m. but the epic tale of a world on the edge (of relying on Kevin Costner to save it) ended by 8:30 a.m. So, I'm just going to watch this "Jerry Rice and Nitus' Dog Football" video-game commercial over and over again until a Labradoodle snaps a leg (wish wish hope hope) or the greatest wide receiver in NFL history has lost every last shred of dignity. Then, I'll head out to watch the Eagles play the Bills until I'm ashamed of myself for still thinking they can turn this thing around. (H/T Michael C.)

Elsewhere

Rangers score early, win late: "[T]he efforts of five relievers, starting with Michael Gonzalez for the biggest out of the game and ending with Neftali Feliz for the final out, preserved a 3-2 victory over Detroit in a game that was halted for 1 hour, 50 minutes. ... All three Rangers runs, including a fourth-inning solo homer by Nelson Cruz, came against Cy Young shoo-in Justin Verlander. The right-hander was limited to four innings by the rain, but he and the Tigers trailed 3-0 when the game was stopped for the first time." [Star-Telegram]

It was a locked-out-NBA-player extravaganza in Florida last night: "A capacity crowd of roughly 4,000 packed FIU's U.S. Century Bank Arena to watch Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh and several other NBA All-Stars play in the South Florida All-Star Classic charity game. 'We want to show our fans it's all for them,' Wade said." [Miami Herald]. (Here's silent video of the first quarter, and the second quarter, and the third quarter, and the fourth quarter, if you're so inclined.)

So, Nervy Greinke was all like Carpenter's fake: "Milwaukee's Zack Greinke has added some fuel to an already-heated rivalry with St. Louis, saying a day before Game 1 of the NL championship series that the Brewers don't really like Cardinals ace Chris Carpenter because of his 'phony attitude.' It was a surprising comment from Greinke, whose bouts with social anxiety disorder make him one of the more subdued players in a Brewers clubhouse filled with big personalities." [AP]

Ryan Howard's laid up for a while with a ruptured Achilles: "The Phillies said an MRI exam Saturday revealed a ruptured Achilles tendon that will require surgery once swelling reduces near the injury. The team said there is no guarantee he'll be ready for spring training. Howard could miss anywhere from six to nine months. It could be more; it could be less. The possibility of Howard's starting his five-year, $125 million contract extension on the disabled list is very real. Even if he does return sooner rather than later, a catastrophic injury is no way to commence a lucrative contract." [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Your Fly Guy Interlude, dedicated to all you playas and all you ladies out there:

Virginia Tech beat Miami after a zany fourth quarter: "Logan Thomas ran 19 yards for a touchdown with 56 seconds to play Saturday, capping a wild fourth quarter as No. 21 Virginia Tech beat Miami, 38-35. The Hokies (5-1, 1-1 Atlantic Coast Conference) rescued their chances of contending in the Coastal Division with the rally, and may have killed the hopes of Miami (2-3, 0-2)." [AP] (Video H/T Justin S., who noted the kid "was fine" afterward.)

Florida State lost, too: "'This ain't the same defense,' said Wake Forest senior defensive end Kyle Wilber, whose team isn't playing anything like the 2010 Demon Deacons team that finished 3-9, won just one ACC contest and were throttled 31-0 by Florida State. These Deacs (4-1, 3-0 ACC) forced five turnovers – four interceptions – posted two sacks and recorded a safety in a 35-30 victory over the No. 23-ranked Seminoles." [News & Observer]

Finishing the trifecta was Florida, who got stomped by LSU: "Jarrett Lee and Jordan Jefferson both had their moments under center as No. 1 LSU overwhelmed No. 17 Florida, playing without its top two quarteracks, 41-11 at Tiger Stadium. It was LSU's most lopsided win over Florida since 1971. 'It was all about the Tigers today,' head coach Les Miles said." [The Advocate]

Today's Soccer Viewing Recommendations: Santos FC vs. Palmeiras (Fox Soccer Channel, 3 p.m. eastern)

Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.