It's Come To This: Lenny Dykstra And Jose Canseco Will Fight A Celebrity Boxing Match

Just when you think Lenny Dykstra has finally drowned in life's big fat puddle of chew spit, he swims to the surface long enough to cough up just a little more of what's left of his dignity.

Just two weeks ago, Dykstra pleaded no contest to three counts of grand theft auto and filing a false statement, which allowed him to remain free until his January sentencing. And now we learn Nails will be opposite Jose Canseco on a pay-per-view fight card Saturday that includes such other notable celebrity has-beens as Kato Kaelin, Michael Lohan, Joey Buttafucco, Coolio, Amy Fisher, Octo Mom, Bombshell McGee, and Tila Tequila. And that Dykstra (wink wink) "begged" Canseco's originally scheduled opponent, Tareq Salahi (who—shockingly—is some reality show star, which I had to look up), to let him fight in his place. Canseco long ago established his bona fides as a pandering, pathetic mess of a human. So surely all of you have better things to do that night than watch any of this, let alone pay to do so.

"Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies," Dykstra shouted into the wind, according to a statement issued to promote the bout. Hickey reached out to Daniel Herman, Dykstra's business manager, who (predictably) was all-to-quick to reply with some comment in which Dykstra compared himself to Muhammad Ali. I'm not going to bother sharing the exact quote, since the only revelation to come from it is that Dykstra still has a business manager for whom his payroll checks don't bounce.

Oh, and there's this: Dykstra was scheduled to do an autograph signing at a mall in suburban Philly on Saturday, hours before the Canseco fight in L.A. But he has managed to get himself out of that commitment, apparently by having the fight's promoter buy out his autograph deal. But even that prompts the question: Who the fuck still wants Lenny Dykstra's autograph? Besides his creditors, that is.