Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering powerful gingers, crickets, the end of sports, and more.
There was a cave cricket in my basement last night. They're horrible, nasty creatures that have +8 jumping ability. You have to act FAST in order to exterminate the little cocksuckers and protect your family, and so I quickly pinned him against the wall with a toy rocking chair and he was all mangled up against the wall.
Now, after a good kill, I like to go take a leak and let my victim sit there for a little while, just so the other cave crickets know THERE IS NO FUCKING AROUND HERE. So I go to take a leak, and when I return, the cricket is GONE. No! It cannot be! Inconceivable! I spin around, and there he is, hopping along the opposite wall and seemingly regenerated. ZOMBIE CAVE CRICKET. And I say to him, out loud, "I killed you!" I really did say that to him. Then I said, "I won't make the same mistake twice!" and then BOOM! I laid down the foot of doom, gathered him up in some TP, and down he went. I had failed to heed the lesson of Die Hard
2: Next time you have a chance to kill someone, DON'T HESITATE.
Also, always put one in the brain. Your letters:
Does the PSU scandal rank ahead of the OJ scandal for Biggest Of All Time?
Spencer Hall says no, and I think I have to agree, though we both agree it would be #1 already if JoePa were actually implicated in the assaults. The OJ scandal had so many theatrical elements to it: the press conference featuring the sheriff saying police were "actively searching for Mr. Simpson," followed by gasps from the media (I'll never forget that), the car chase, the 911 call from Al Cowlings, and the trial (which was boring as shit but produced a handful of dramatic moments). The OJ scandal was a cottage industry, like iPad accessories.
But this scandal isn't close to being over yet, especially given the abject stupidity of PSU's crisis management team. Already, I think it's the second-biggest sports scandal of my lifetime, well ahead of Tonya Harding, Mike Vick going to jail, Tiger Woods ruining his marriage, the whole big steroid clusterfuck, the Baylor murder, and Mike Tyson raping Desiree Washington. In terms of damage inflicted upon both victims and a community as a whole, it's almost certainly the worst of the bunch. And it's not even close to being over.
Realistically, do you think that Roger Goodell is the most powerful ginger in the world? The amount of money that he controls has got to be higher than a good number of third-world countries.
I was hoping the president of Ireland was a redhead to refute your argument but NO! She's a a brunette with shitty highlights! And she's a SHE! With a vagina! What a disappointment. Ireland should always be run by a belligerent redheaded alcoholic. Or by Shane MacGowan.
Anyway, I think you're right. Now that infamous News Corp. executive Rebekah Brooks is out of a job, The Ginger Hammer is probably the single most powerful redhead in the world. Watch him try and suspend all non-gingers from being American citizens. It's a far cry from days of yore, when the likes of Elizabeth I and Thomas Jefferson were redheads who led nations. The sun never set on the Ginger Empire back in those days. By the way, I had no clue Jefferson was a redhead until just now. I feel like that invalidates much of the Constitution. By the way: Least powerful ginger in the world? Mike McQueary.
Now that I've been a college graduate for a few years, there's a bunch of pro athletes who are younger than me, and it's depressing as fuck. It's already depressing trying to get a damn job, and then I find out Ndamukong Suh is three weeks younger than me??! WHAT THE FUCK. No longer can I look up to these monstrous behemoth men, because my senile grandpa mind will always think of them as little pussy whippersnappers. How long did it take you to get used to this shit?
You never get used to it. Ever. In fact, it only gets worse, because eventually the league starts running out of players younger than you. I'm 35 now, so that means virtually every NFL player is younger than me, with the exception of a few quarterbacks and kickers. Even Tom Brady is younger than me, and Tom Brady has been in the league for-fucking-ever. Carson Palmer is younger than me, but every time I see Carson Palmer now I'm like, "Jesus, that is one old fucker," because athletes live in a parallel universe where the aging process is significantly accelerated. There's a difference between Regular Old and Sports Old. Andy Roddick is 29, which is very young. But for his sport, he's a goddamn dinosaur. Athletes have a wearout factor. They seem older to us because we get tired of seeing them all the time. I'm already sick of Aaron Rodgers and he hasn't even won his second title yet. TIME FOR SOME NEW BLOOD IN THIS LEAGUE, CONSARNIT.
Time is running out on me. Eventually, the number of NFL players older than me will dwindle down to nothing. And then I'll have to move on to coaches. Every NFL coach is older than me right now. But that's gonna change. And then the day will come when every NFL coach is younger than me, and that will be awful. I'll be old and there will be a shitload of hair in my ears and I will not be happy about it.
How long do you think you'd have to be continuously farting before you called a professional (911 or a doctor or James Bond or whatever sort of professional you choose) and sought help? Whether it's noisy or silent doesn't matter, it just matters that you're going to be farting one continuous fart for a long time. How long do you wait before calling? I think I'd probably start out pretty amused and then get a little worried after about 45 seconds, and then get really terrified somewhere between 2-5 minutes.
I dunno. I think it would take me a while, just because I enjoy my own farts so much. I'd probably spend the first hour tweeting about it. U GUYS I SWEAR ITZ STILL GOING ON. Because a fart that long would stand as a point of pride. I've managed to drag out Coke burps for a really long time and at the end, I'm usually prouder than I was when my kids were born. Just incredibly self-satisfied. But my wife would probably get worried and make me go to the hospital.
I take a lot of Metamucil because Metamucil is the shit, and if you take Metamucil and you eat lots of fruit, you will go on farting runs that cause those around you great alarm and distress. On multiple occasions, the wife has taken away the Metamucil canister and hidden it, just so I'll stop farting. So if I let out a single 90-minute fart, she'd probably have me arrested.
My brother's new girlfriend is a cunt. This is not only my opinion; she's just one of those people who reeks of cuntiness and everyone agrees. Do I tell him? He's 17 and doesn't know shit about anything, but he talks about her like she's the one. I don't want to jeopardize him getting laid, but holy fuck she's awful.
There's no point in confronting him about it because your brother is 17 and probably just ecstatic that he has free access to a naked girl at any time. The girl could be serial killer and he'd be too pussydrunk to care. In fact, telling him you hate his new lady will just make him defensive and drive him deeper into her cunty arms. People with bad boyfriends/girlfriends are like addicts. They can't be reasoned with, and they'll only quit their addiction/cunty girlfriend if they decide they truly WANT to do it.
What is the appropriate reaction to seeing someone you grew up with in ESPN's Body Issue? We didn't go to high school together, but I was in the same class with Julie Chu from kindergarten through middle school. Do I avoid this completely, or awkwardly gawk at the tallest student at North Stratfield School from 1987-1994?
Well, let me first find out who Julie Chu is.
Says here she's a hockey player. Lemme just check out the picture of her from the magazi... Oh. Well, now. She seems... toned. She must consume lots of fish oil. Anyway, no mature man is ever gonna pass up the chance to see a woman from his past naked. So go ahead and look. She's a grownup now, and she's very ripply. There's nothing untoward about gawking. Although she seems very much like A-Rod's type, if you catch my drift (A-Rod likes she-males, is my drift).
Thought you might like this picture I took at Yellowstone last week. Our buttery friend Peter King might have a hard time noting any animals he saw as the US Park Service is only looking for LEGITIMATE wildlife sightings, none of his 40% LEGIT sightings.
I don't give a shit how tired they are of it, I'd still write down that I saw Bigfoot when I was out there. "11/4. Sasquatch. TERRIFYING! VERY TOOTHY! 4:33AM." I'd do it every time I went.
So you can only eat one animal for the rest of your life. Pick: pig, cow, chicken, Fish, ect. To make it interesting if you choose fish you can have all of them, as delicious as fatty tuna is I couldn't eat just seafood forever. I won't consider animal by products voiding the deal so you can still have milk and cheese if you don't pick cow. I'll take pig: pork chops, ham, bacon, sausage, brats, hot dogs. Pig wins hands down.
So the fish option also includes shrimp, lobster, clams, mussels, sea urchin, caviar, and all that shit? If I were filthy rich, and budgets were of no concern to me, I'd probably choose fish. You're talking about a much broader spectrum of flavor profiles (NOTE: "flavor profiles" is a registered trademark of Geoffrey Zakarian) than pork or beef, as much as you and I worship at the altar of bacon. But the reality is that getting your hands on decent fish means ponying up a shitload of cash (more in the coming years, as fish resources dwindle). And fish usually doesn't keep well. Whereas you could keep a pork chop out on your counter for eight days in the sunlight and it would still taste pretty good if you tossed enough cajun seasoning on it. So if a family budget comes into play, I'd probably have to pick pig or chicken.
If you fart while trying on pants and they fit well, are you obliged to buy those pants?
No. You could dump a liter of red ink on those pants in the dressing room and you still shouldn't be obligated to buy them. The customer is always right, even when smelly or clumsy.
Portland is always keeping it Classy.
What does that even mean? Does he read Proust to your children?
My mom has this little framed poster in her bathroom with this quote: "It is better to live one day as a lion than to live a hundred years as a sheep". That just makes no sense, right? Sheep still get to have sheep sex, eat delicious sheep food, hang out with their buddies and complain about the Vikings. Even if the lion had the greatest lion day ever (killed Russel Crowe in the colosseum! Hot lioness three-way! Steak Steak Steak! Table full of blow at the Bellagio! Fed Scar to the jackals!), there's no way you'd pass up a century of the good life for one day of the great life. What would the ratio have to be for you to pick the lion?
It would have to be even. Lions and sheep are both still just a couple of fucking stupid animals. It's not like I would have the mental sharpness to enjoy either experience. I'd be a lion, with a fucking lion-sized brain, or a sheep, with a fucking sheep-size brain. I'd never want to be reincarnated as a nonhuman life form that can't understand basic math. Even a dog. Everyone jokes about dogs having the best life because they get to sit around and lick their balls all day, but NO ONE would literally trade their lives with a dog, because dogs are idiots.
The saying doesn't even work metaphorically. I'd much rather live 100 years as a blind follower than as a leader. Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to lead people? To give them proper direction? To be responsible for their welfare? It's awful. I was a boss one time in my life and I sucked at it. I was just like, "Uh... do whatever," and then I went back to surfing the Internet. Being in charge of other people is the worst.
At what point do you see the world of organized professional sports as we know it today ending? I don't ever see the four major sports (NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL) ending in my lifetime but at some point it has to come to an end right?? Can you fathom Super Bowl 90 or the World Series still being played another 100 years from now? What would inevitably end organized pro sports? Maybe owners and players arguing money and contracts but that's all I could see. I guess the Romans never thought the Olympic games would be still going thousands of years from when they were competing in them.
I think the Super Bowl and World Series could certainly exist 100 years from now. I doubt that labor issues would serve to destroy any sport completely (even if the NBA misses a full season, it will still come back and be relevant). The pro sports leagues you know and love are not only firmly entrenched in our culture, but there are numerous corporate and economic interests involved that are dedicated to making sure those entities will continue to thrive. Certain institutions have managed to stick around for very long periods of time: Harvard (founded 1636), Levi Strauss & Co. (founded 1853), and more. The National League in baseball was founded in 1876 and is still going strong. There's no reason the NFL or MLB couldn't last for centuries more.
If the NFL and NBA cease to exist, it won't be because of changing tastes, but because of larger future geopolitical concerns. For example, if we got into a nuclear war with China or something, survivors of the Holocaust would probably place rebuilding the Dolphins way down on their to-do list. Or, should the world economy truly collapse, to the point where the dollar has no value and all of your assets become instantly worthless, then the entire financial infrastructure setting up leagues would be destroyed, and they couldn't continue. THAT is what will end the professional organized sports you recognize. I'm sure, way beack in the 1500's, Aztec tlachtli commentators were like, "The Tenochtitlan Fightin' Quetzal Birds dynasty could last for thousands of years!" Then Hernan Cortes showed up and suddenly, no more tlachtli. Pity.
I am a 37-year-old white male, father of three (two are young boys), living in NY. If I killed Sandusky, do you think any jury would convict me? I say no way. Honestly, I think someone needs to castrate him, ass rape him with a tire iron and put a bullet in his head. Like, right now.
Of course you'd be convicted. This isn't a shitty David E. Kelley show. This is actual life. And in real life, you go to jail for that shit, even though Sandusky clearly deserves his fate.
One of the shitty things about this Penn State scandal is that it forces you to completely reassess every single adult friend or acquaintance you have. Because the eyewitness reports about Sandusky are all the time: Hey, we thought he was just a super nice guy! We had no idea! Reading that caused me to go right down the list of everyone I knew to evaluate the odds of them being a pederast. Like Leitch! He seems awfully peppy! DON'T YOU TOUCH MAH BABY!!!!
I also took great pains this week to talk to my kids about showering with strangers. I sat my kid down and I was like, "Listen, don't let anyone touch your hoohaa, or your dingding, or your biddle-dee-boo, or your giblets, or your bobo, or your ramalamadingdong. GOT IT?!" Pretty sure the message was clear.
A few years ago I registered to on-campus housing after the deadline. The only spots they had open for me were in an "All Deaf" dormitory. I didn't think this was a big deal and I thought of all the ways to take advantage of the situation, i.e. loud music and parties at all hours of the night, or maybe I'd get to hook up with a hot deaf chick, etc.
Well, the situation backfired on me. For some reason, I became the target of every prank played by the deaf people in my dorm, like it was my fault they were deaf. Somebody would pull the fire alarm at 3 a.m. at least twice a week, and since I was the only one with hearing, I was the only one who would wake up. If I ever tried to get back at them, I was the asshole who picked on the deaf people. Ever since then, I have hated deaf people. Am I justified, or just an asshole?
Wow, I had no idea that deaf people could be so mischievous. You're gonna have to go all In The Company Of Men on them to exact revenge!
Seriously though, you can't hate deaf people all your life for the hell they put you through. It was your fault that you were late to registration, after all. The deafies were just teaching you a very harsh lesson. Man, imagine being so deaf that you could sneak into a guy's room and blow an air horn into his ear at point blank range. Evil has never been so much fun. I wish I were deaf. I wonder if blind college students go around jamming strobe lights in drunk kids' eyes.
Last night I capped off a miserable fantasy football week. I, of course, was fucking irritated. My girlfriend, of course, couldn't understand why. I decided to Google, "explaining fantasy football to a girl", which came up as one of the three most common searches. After skimming the results and finding nothing of substance, I decided you would be the best option to explain to her its week-ruining impact, and to help me justify why it was okay to be such a douche on Monday night. She also can't understand why I don't see her on Sunday nights due to "Russian Fur Trader" fantasy football meetings at the local bar and grill. Please help.
There's no sense in trying to explain WHY fantasy football angers you to your girlfriend, because it's not her thing and she'll never care enough about football to understand how annoying a bad fantasy day can be. Instead, you should simply say to her, "Listen, I know that this is irrational and stupid and makes no sense. Even I know that. But I genuinely CARE about this, so I'd just ask that you respect my passion for it." That way, the onus is on her to accept YOU, instead of accepting football, which she'd never do. Plus, you can then use your love of fantasy football to draw parallels to any of her inane obsessions. "Look honey, I don't shit on YOU for all that knitting you do." TABLES: TURNED.
My gf just moved in a month ago, things are good except for the fact that she is now sick. Is there any way for me to avoid getting sick? Who knows how many germs are exiting her mouth when she sleeps and are silently and slowly fucking my shit up. Should I just give in now and know my weekend is fucked because I will be sick and she will be fine just in time to say WAKE UP LETS GO APPLE PICKING or something gay like that?
Get a flu shot. It costs very little. You don't even have to get a shot. I went and got a flu mist, which is a little thing they squirt up your nose. It's painless, and you can pretend you're doing cocaine when the doctor gives you the bump. It made me wonder why they even have the shot anymore. I can't imagine anyone is like, "No, no. Gimme the needle. THE PAIN LETS ME KNOW I CAN STILL FEEL."
Time for your email of the week.
Last night, in a rush to leave the house and grab some ice cream, I managed to lock myself, wife, and infant son out of the house with no other way to get back inside.
I quickly realized that this would be a great chance for me to try out my B&E skills. I went to the rear of the house, where the kitchen window was open ever so slightly. I popped out the screen, ably balanced myself on a well-positioned picnic table, and pulled myself through the kitchen window, over the sink, onto the counter, and ultimately landing feet-first on the kitchen floor.
I walked back outside, keys in hand, loudly proclaiming to my surprised wife, son, and whoever would listen that I was – in fact – a fucking ninja. I earned my ice cream that night my friends. Even scraped my leg.
Well played, Jeremy-san.