Never Badmouth Tom Brady During A Blowjob

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Chris:

I recently went to Boston for a long weekend, just wanted to get away and had never been there before so why not? Well as I was planning the weekend I saw that my beloved Dallas Cowboys were playing the Patriots the weekend I was heading there so I got a ticket for the game. Well, I get to Boston on Friday with a friend we can call Lani and meet up with my buddy who had moved there last year, we'll call him Brian. So as Brian finishes up the normal workday I proceed to hit the local bars and make new friends.

Fast forward to about midnight and I'm on hour 12 of my self guided tour with Brian and Lani, who are still able to walk unassisted. After climbing on some unknown statue for a photo, I spot what I believe to be a Viking walking with a woman. Turns out this very large man is wearing a deer skin vest and boot covers and had an iPhone holder that you use to strap it to your arm at the gym, this man was large enough that it only fit his forearm...yea. This nice couple tells me they're in town to film a movie being produced by Jeff Bridges (awesome!) and Ryan Reynolds (fuck that guy) and invite us to a party they are on their way too. Being the drunken leader I emphatically agree, my friends protest getting in a cab with strangers (especially one who can eat me) but after some drunk badgering and repeatedly saying "let's have an adventure" they agreed.

We end up at a bar at the Liberty Hotel that was originally a jail. I strike up a conversation with a cute brunette and find out it's her friend's birthday, hooray! I offer to buy them each a shot because why not, I have no hidden agenda to get laid. After which, cute brunette and I attempt to dance, which wasn't happening in a bar this crowded. So we head outside for a smoke and some conversation, during which she finds out I'm from Miami and a Cowboys fan and understandably teases me mercilessly. Eventually some drunk making out occurs and we head to the bathroom for some OT after last call. Once in there, she goes down on me (score!) but a couple minutes in she stops and looks up at me (uh oh....) and says, "you said some mean things about Tom Brady earlier, I'm not finishing unless you say something nice about him". Immediately my brain kicked my dick off the control panel and I responded with "Tom Brady sucks better dick than you do".....yea, it was a long sore walk back to the hotel, but it was worth it. Even if Brady did engineer another last minute comeback to make my drunk train ride from Gillette miserable.

I don't believe you, but it's still a fine rejoinder.

Jeff:

So in the winter of 2009, my roommate Drew and I went to this basement bar in Chinatown in DC for a work colleagues birthday party. I wasn't really friends with the birthday boy, but he introduced us to this girl in his office Katie and her roommate Lisa. Katie and Drew immediately hit it off and are off playing shuffleboard and sloppily making out in the corner, while I do my wingman duties and keep Lisa happy and occupied.

By random chance we were both from the same area of New York and really got along. It was also awesome that we were both in the mood to get drunk and make bad decisions. A few shots later we are making out and shes suggesting we go back to my place. So she runs to the bathroom and I go to look for my roommate to tell him we are leaving and heading back to our apartment. I find him biting Katie's neck, more on this later, and he says they will just go back to her place.

I meet back up with Lisa and despite it being one of the most heavily trafficked parts of DC we cannot get a cab. It takes almost 20 minutes to get one, but once we are inside I'm not really pissed because she shoves her hand down my pants and we start making out again. When we get to my apartment I'm thinking everything is gold, until I open the door.

We walk into Drew doing Katie doggy-style on the floor of the living room and her yelling at him to bite her back/shoulders whatever else she was screaming. Lisa wants none of this and runs out. I follow her down to get a cab and do my best to try to convince her to just let us go back to her place, but she wanted none of it. When I finally got back into the apartment Drew was passed out on top of her and I just went to sleep. I never saw either of them again until I ran into Katie once at work and could only imagine her yelling at random men to bite her...

CJ:

It's the summer after my senior year in college and I have just been dumped by my long-time girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. Needless to say I was in a fragile emotional state, occasionally sobbing uncontrollably, drinking mostly Long Island's and listening to a lot of Journey.

2 weeks after the breakup it's a random Thursday night, and I decide to hit one of the campus bars for Thirsty Thursday and $2 wells, alone. About 2 drinks in I notice a table of 3 girls sort of giving me the eye, so naturally I ignore them, as I was in a state of self-pity and couldn't imagine that any female would be interested in me at this point. (Sidenote: I was a total pussy during this period of my life but I am normal now). Eventually one of the girls saunters over and strikes up a conversation with me. We'll call her Bar Girl, because I honestly do not remember her name and this will come into play later on.

After making small talk with Bar Girl for 10 minutes or so she invites back over to the table where she introduces me to her 2 friends. Girl #1 we'll call Wing Girl, and Girl #2, who we'll call Mama Bear. WingGirl is cute and friendly but apparently has a boyfriend who is a sniper in Iraq. Awesome. Mama Bear is about 300 pounds, nice enough but obviously does not want to be at this bar babysitting her drunk friends while they talk to random guys. So the $2 wells keep coming, and I am trying my best to be funny and charming while still somewhat in disbelief that it is this easy to meet girls in a campus bar on cheap drink night. Who knew? I had been sheltered....I had been oppressed. And in spite of my horrible game, they seemed to be enjoying my company.

At one point Bar Girl excuses herself to use the ladies room, and while she is gone Wing Girl looks at me and says, "She just broke up with her boyfriend 3 weeks ago so she could be single this summer. She just wants to have fun, you know? You should totally go for it." I'm intrigued. Bar Girl finally returns, sits down next to me, and immediately starts rubbing my inner thigh. At this point I know it's on, so I come up with some stupid excuse to go out to my car which is in the parking lot, and I invite Bar Girl to come with me. Mama Bear shoots me the death glare, but Wing Girl nods in approval.

Fast-forward 5 minutes, we are in my car making out, hands are all over the place and things are looking good. I am trying to remember what the proper protocol in these situations is, as I haven't had any strange in 4 years. So I try and convince Bar Girl to come back to my place (I lived off-campus) so I can seal the deal, but she says she can't leave her friends. Disappointing; but she promises she will take care of me for the evening as long as I promise to call her and take care of her the next day. Of course! I say. I pull out my phone and enter her number, followed by her name- shit, can't remember it, so I type B-A-R-G-I-R-L and hit enter just as she leans over and jokingly says, "You're not putting me in there as Bar Girl are you?" Of course not baby! I say, as she unzips my pants and begins to fulfill her promise. A couple minutes in I am leaned back with my eyes closed and thoroughly enjoying the services being rendered, when all of a sudden there's a loud pounding on the window. Shit, it's the cops I thought, but it was worse- it's Mama Bear, whom upon seeing me having my way with one of her cubs, looks ready to attack. My mind is still occupied with what's happening in my lap, so the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "Ummmmmm....shit!" Bar Girl looks up from my lap and makes eye contact with Mama Bear, who yells "You're a slut, we're leaving!" Wing Girl is behind Mama Bear laughing hysterically. Bar Girl has a look on her face that can only be described as "One of my friends just caught me with a stranger's penis in my mouth". She looks horrified. Bar Girl apologizes and says she has to go, but I should definitely call her sometime and we can pick up where we left off. A bit shellshocked by the whole experience, I crank up Any Way You Want It and head home with a raging set of blue balls and a pounding headache from the cheap liquor.

Sidenote: I realize the next morning that in my haste to escape the scene of the crime I left my credit card at the bar. I head back down there only to discover that not only does the bar add an 18% gratuity to cards left overnight, but the ladies had put their entire evening on my tab. From the looks of the receipt Mama Bear had quite an appettite for nachos and fried mozzarella sticks, and Wing Girl ignored the $2 wells and stuck mostly to the $9 Cosmos. So I paid $98 for a pounding headache and blue balls, and in my guilty state of self-disgust and eternal shame, I deleted Bar Girl- a sure thing- from my cell phone. God I was a pussy back then.