Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I was a freshman in college and it was my first Halloween on campus. The Halloween weekend went swimmingly: parties were had, costumes were destroyed, and Halloween candy sent in nicely prepared gift packages from moms back home went uneaten in favor of beer and hard liquor. What remained of the candy was strewn across kids' dorm room floors for the occasional ground score snack between classes.
I decided to keep the party going Monday night since I didn't have class until 1:45 pm on Tuesdays, and that class was Astronomy Lab. Needless to say I didn't show up to this class in any state of mind besides incredibly hungover all semester long. Monday nights were a continuation of the weekend bender. It wasn't like we were dissecting black holes. No, instead we were determining the gravitational pull of the moon and its effect on the tides, which I didn't care about since I was going to school in Minneapolis. Not exactly something that hit close to home.
Anyways, there was a girl in my astronomy class, we'll call her Christine, that I would oftentimes party with on Monday nights since we both didn't have lab til late on Tuesdays. Christine and I had been best friends for most, if not all of high school. Things got a little tumultuous when I started dating her very good friend, we'll call her Natalie. Natalie was always suspicious of Christine's motives in high school, often times claiming that Christine had feelings for me. Typical high school girl shit. Well, I broke it off with Natalie before I went to college and so I was free to do whatever I wanted with Christine. The issue was, I wasn't interested in Christine. Well, on this Monday night and a 750 mL of Jagermeister (I was freshman in college...it was good back then) later, I was all of sudden very interested.
We exchanged flirty text messages and decided to rendezvous at her dorm room. I got there, about 4/5ths in the bag, but managed to pull myself together. We started making out and throwing hand parties for each other when I realized I had to pee. When I got back to the dorm room, her roommate and our mutual friend, we'll call her Rachel, was dying laughing because what everyone assumed as an inevitable event was finally coming to fruition. I didn't see the awkwardness that Rachel found so funny since I was Jagerblinded, and told Rachel she could leave her room so Christine and I could finish what we had started. In one last act of jackassery, Rachel put the song "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye on repeat and then promptly left.
Christine and I got back to putting the sexual tension that had been building up for years to rest. That is, until my tongue started to tingle. And then all of a sudden my tongue felt like I had eaten something very spicy. Next thing I knew, I was wheezing. I've come to know all of these symptoms as an indication that I'm having an allergic reaction. Either I was allergic to her taking off her clothes or it was something else. The Halloween candy. Fuck. See, I'm a bubble boy. I'm allergic to all things nuts. This couldn't be. Who drunk munches in the middle of a hookup? It turns out when I went to the bathroom, Christine had eaten a Halloween Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and when we started to make out again, the peanut butter remnants got transferred from her tongue to my mouth and throat. I was dying.
This wouldn't have been an issue in my dorm room because my mom knew only to send me delicious peanut-free snacks like Skittles and Kit-Kats that Christine could have eaten. But nope, Christine's mom had no reason to hold back on sending candy infested with my kryptonite. I yelled at Christine that she had known me for years and knew I was allergic to nuts. But she was Captain Morganblinded and didn't realize the ramifications of her mid-hook up Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
With Marvin Gaye still blasting from her shitty Dell laptop speakers, I quickly got dressed, sprinted back to my dorm room, and promptly swallowed a half dozen Benedryl tablets to stop the reaction. Too embarrassed to go to the ER for this mistake, I stayed up the entire night gripping an Epipen and fighting off the want to fall into a Benedryl-induced sleep like Tigers Woods fighting off the grogginess for his Ambien sex to make sure I kept breathing. Luckily, I lived, but I still take shit for it to this day.
Christine and I never hooked up again. However, not a time goes by that when I hear "Let's Get It On" that my tongue doesn't feel like it's swollen and on fire. Fucking peanut allergy...
My wife and I are in our late twenties. We're swingers- something we got into post-college while we were dating and have been doing for about six years now. We like the excitement of hooking up with other people's spouses and it keeps our marriage fresh.
So a few weekends ago, we are going out with a new couple we met online. My wife is totally digging on the guy and his wife is smoking, so things are looking good for later on. The guy and I get along great, which is key to this sort of thing. We're talking about college football, bonding over beers and bitching about our respective teams.
We live in Miami. I'm a lifelong Notre Dame fan who thinks the season is in the shitter after losing to USC. He's a Miami grad who hasn't had much to be happy about for several years now. There is some good natured shit-talking about Notre Dame beating Miami in the Sun Bowl last year, but for the most part things are friendly. Our wives are also hitting it off while drinking dirty martinis, so we decide to take it back to our house for the after-party.
Like I said, my wife and I are sort of pros at this. Usually people are timid and unsure of themselves and you kind of have to work them into it. But these two were just as excited to get to the action and they strip down immediately. This dude was ripped, but his wife looked like a porn star. Long blonde hair that hung down over her amazing tits, skinny waist, shaved bush- she was so thin you could see her abs. She starts going down on me and I am just in heaven. My wife is getting friendly with the guy and things appear to be on their way to a good night.
I bend his wife over the couch and start to enter her from behind when I see a framed poster hanging over my television. It is the old Notre Dame standby, "Play Like A Champion Today." I've had it for years- since high school- and I've hung it prominently in every single place I've ever lived. I see it and, like an idiot, blurt out, "Hey, I'm going to fuck your lady like a champion today."
It was like a record screeching to a stop. He turns bright red and says, "Fuck this asshole, we're out of here." He grabs his wife and their clothes and they practically burned rubber out of the apartment. My wife and I are left standing there, naked, like "What the fuck just happened?" To make matters worse, my wife was so pissed that I would say something so stupid that she wouldn't even finish me off. We haven't seen the couple since.
Odds the couples here weigh a combined 900 pounds? HIGH.
It's back in college, and it's a fairly typical weekend night. My roommates and I are drinking in our apartment, having a small party. I do mean small; a couple of sexy female neighbors, our old roommate, some other friends. Drinking, card games, nothing too crazy. I get a text from a friend of mine, "Sarah," asking what's up, I let her know we're just chilling at our place, come over! She wants to know if "Ashley" and "Cindy" can come too. Uh, of course! I need to mention that all three girls are from my hometown, and that after high school ended we'd hung out a few times on campus and at home. Sarah and Ashley also go to my college. But Cindy was the one I was always interested in. She was one of the coolest girls I'd ever met, with an actual sense of humor. No, seriously: the first time I ever met her I had endeared myself to her by coming up with some inventive Diarrhea Song lyrics. We even bonded over our shared passion for being self-hating Jews. Also she's hot as hell. We'd always been kind of flirty but I figured that was just how she talked, since she had a long-term boyfriend and I have no confidence in myself.
Anyway I knew she was visiting Sarah for the weekend at our campus from her posting on my Facebook and all, but again, I assumed this to be innocuous fun. I was also pretty sure that she had broken up with her boyfriend but still, didn't think much of it. I was happy she was coming over though and began to drink accordingly. The girls arrived, the party was ok, and I became more and more drunk off the Sailor Jerry we had. The three girls decide to leave to go to the bars, and ask if anyone's coming with. I look at my boys; they shrug, they're comfortable here. I'm already shy as anything and without my wingmen I'm reluctant to go, and lamely say I have no money (which was actually true, but had that ever stopped me before?). Cindy is upset I'm not going and actually says to me "Oh I'll pay for you" but I am way too much of a gentleman/asshole/Jew to let a girl pay for me. We say our goodbyes and I tell them to text us when the bars close and maybe we'll hang out again.
My roommates are laughing at me at this point: "Dude, she wants your dick. Go with them!" I laugh them off, thanks for the pity and the pretend vote of confidence, but I know I have no game, it's whatever. I continue to drink heavily, which is actually a rarity for me; I normally get fairly fuzzy and then stop. So the party winds down, our old roommate has left, a couple of the neighbors are still there, and I'm suddenly drunker than I've ever been in my life. It's not that late but I'm sleepy as anything and announce that I'm going to go pass out on my bed and promptly do so. The next morning I awake to find a note in girl's handwriting on my desk, addressed to Drunk Me and signed "xoxoxoxo Cindy." The fuck?! I wake up my roommates and start texting Sarah and eventually piece together the story:
Apparently, after I'd gone to bed my roommates were up by themselves just talking and playing cards or something when the three girls came back to the apartment, all drunk as hell. Cindy and Ashley demanded to know where I was, and were told I'd gone to bed. They both go into my room to try and wake me up by jumping into my bed and tickling me. This is by far the hottest thing that had ever happened to me at that point in my life, and I, blacked-out genius that I am, sit straight up in bed like a zombie and say simply "I'm trying to sleep, get out." None of this I remember; this was the first and still only blackout I've ever experienced. They leave to go hang out in the living room with my one roommate while the other excuses himself to bed, where the four of them proceed to talk for several hours. The topic? Sex, of course. Cindy is convinced I'm huge down there, and threatens several times to go into my room and find out. She never does, and the talks end and the girls leave when the sleeping roommate yells at them for talking loudly about sex until 4 in the morning.
Nothing ever happened with me and Cindy; by the time I'd come home for the summer she'd already found a new boyfriend. Sucks, I probably could have legit dated her.