The Postmortal Live Holiday Funbag

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're doing it live.

All right, we did this once before and it didn't end with Sarah Silverman crying, so let's close out the year with one more live funbag. I'll be here answering your questions from 1 till 4. You know where to send them. Put LIVE FUNBAG in the subject line. I'll get through as many as I can. And if you're still out buying presents for ungrateful family members, buy The Postmortal so I can get rich and afford expensive food. Let's get to it. Refresh at your leisure.

All right. Time to go. Thanks to everyone for sending in questions. If I didn't get to your question, it'll be stored for later Funbags. And if you're just arriving, here is the full transcript:

Dave:

My 5-yr-old starting taking ice skating lessons, and we commonly see the Zamboni cleaning off the ice. Is it me, or is that thing mesmerizing? I could watch it for hours. The new ice always looks so cool. I also find myself second guessing the driver constantly and thinking how he could cover more surface area with less passes of the machine.

I do too. Any time the driver leaves one little patch uncovered, I become terribly worried that he'll exit the rink without having smoothed over that patch, then he comes back and gets it and I'm angry that he noticed it. I want to feel smarter than the Zamboni driver. You know what would be the most mesmerizing sight in human history? You guessed it: ZAMBONI ON FIRE.

Also, I love the smell of the Zamboni. Smells like an inevitable coccyx injury.

Mark:

Rubber duckies and other squeeze toys: Harmless toy for children in the bath or disgusting breeding ground for mildew? I'm leaning toward the latter.

The latter. Ever seen a rubber duckie that's been part of the tub rotation for too long? You can see the black mildew growing THROUGH THE RUBBER. It's terrifying. I keep expecting the fungus to slip out of the duckhole and eat me alive.

Martin:

If you could permanently change your farts so they smell like anything, what would it be? A friend picked pine trees which would be nice and fresh but I chose popcorn.

Burning charcoal. Every time I pick up the scent of burning charcoal, I feel the need to shout out, "SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE'S BARBECUING!" Never fails to make me want sixty ribs instantly.

Eric:

Would you rather have penis-sized nipples or a nipple-sized penis?

Gimme the big nipples. I feel like it would be fun to get shitfaced, then go to the supermarket and just run around shirtless with them hanging out.

Liz:

I went into labor a week and a half ago and we didn't make it to the birth center in time so my husband delivered our daughter in our car. As soon as I told him he needed to pull over, he calmly did so, repositioned me in the car, took a look, told me to push one time, then caught our daughter and put her on my chest all. Then he called 911, turned the heat on blast and handed me a blanket from the baby bag. No previous medical training or anything else that would have lead me to believe he wouldn't just shriek and panic - ultimate "dad strength" moment?

That's amazing. If I were him, I'd never shut up about it. "Hey honey, this brisket is awesome. Also awesome? THAT TIME I DELIVERED OUR CHILD IN THE FUCKING HONDA. BOOM!" I'd put it on my resume. You should make his day once in a while by mentioning it for no reason. "Ugh. What an awful day. AT LEAST I HAVE MY BIG STRONG BABY-RIPPING HUSBAND THERE TO PROTECT ME." Men are sensitive animals. They need positive reinforcement.

Jesse:

How much practice time do you think it would take you before you could successfully fair catch a live punt in an NFL game?

You could practice every day for ten years and you still wouldn't be properly prepared to catch the punt in front of real defenders trying to take your fucking head off and millions of people watching. You may as well be practicing the clarinet that whole time, since the two experiences are so different. I remember the handful of times when I got thrown into football games in high school and the game environment was just... different. It felt like I had been airlifted to some other planet. Nothing I did in practice seem to do me much good. None of the defenders did what I had been told they would do. I just stood there with my dick in my hand and let them run right by. You become so self-aware in those moments that you cease to function naturally. I'm not even sure I could have told you my own name.

Mark:

Are there songs that you like that you didn't realize were covers at the time? Like Tainted Love or Bette Davis Eyes?

When I was a kid, I thought Quiet Riot were the original songwriters of "Cum On Feel The Noize." To learn they weren't the masterminds of that particular song DESTROYED MY INNOCENCE.

Also, I get really of hip hop songs because even if it has a hook I like, I can't help but wonder where the beat was stolen from. It kills the enjoyment. It's like fake breasts. I DEMAND ORIGINALITY.

Steve:

What is your stance on talking to the television? I like to answer questions posed by commericals sometimes but get weird looks from my girlfriend when she overhears. Chill out lady, right?

Right. It's perfectly acceptable to talk to the TV, especially during Jeopardy! and sporting events. I talk to the TV during football games all the time. If you made a recording of it, it would be the worst football commentary ever. I say like, three things over and over again: "That was a horrible throw," "HOLY SHIT," and "Hurry the fuck up" (two minute drill only). Sometimes I mix it up, like "That was a REALLY horrible throw," but those three sayings are more or less my mother sauces.

Dave:

I am left-handed and like most red-blooded Americans, I use my dominant hand to beat off. That being said, I recently got married and on the day of your wedding a ring (typically) goes on your left hand. This has now caused me quite a dilemma when I beat off. My question: Is it better to take your wedding ring off while jerking and chance it falling on the floor/being lost or to risk getting some kickback spooge on your new piece of jewelry that you are forced to wear no matter how uncomfortable it may be and constantly worry about the thought of residual semen on your wedding band?

Dude, it's a wedding ring. It's made of non-permeable metal. If you accidentally skeet onto it, it washes off cleanly. This would be a problem if your wedding ring was made of cotton, or of discarded Ritz crackers. But it's not. Do your business and wash your hands everything will be hunky dory.

By the way, every guy who gets a wedding ring is always awkward with it for the first few days of use. It's always like, "OMG! This ring is on my finger now! HOW WILL I SLEEP! I WILL NEVER GET USED TO THIS ACCESSORY." Then five days later you barely even know it's there. Wedding rings are like website redesigns.

Chris:

My fiancee and I are going out of town to visit some friends for a few days. What's the protocol on sexytime as a guest? We'll be sleeping on an airbed in their den, and she's a bit hesitant to give up the goods with risk of being interrupted mid-coitus by their 8-year-old daughter.

God, that is so HOT. An Aerobed? The threat of a child barging in on you while your wife is going reverse cowgirl? SUCH DANGER.

The rule of sexytime is that any place is an acceptable place to do it, as long as you don't get caught. And even if you do get caught, it's still pretty much okay.

Jordan:

Why is it that NFL Redzone has finally figured it out? I mean just having ONE guy do everything.

Why does ESPN needs 14 different idiots?

Well, Redzone has the distinct advantage of having multiple games going on at the same time, so there's no dead air that needs filling (unlike a pregame show, for example). Also, Siciliano throw it to OTHER broadcasting crews during the game, so you could argue that the Channel does use 14 different idiots, even if 13 of them are borrowed from other networks.

I'm not defending ESPN here, because I fucking hate them and less is more. I'm just saying it's apples and oranges. During the game, you only need one or two guys, which is what makes Monday Night Football so maddening. But during a pregame show, I think ESPN producers are so insecure about you changing the channel that they'll throw multiple people at you at once because they think that will hold your attention. That's my problem with ESPN. They never give the viewer any credit. They assume you're a fucking drone just sitting there waiting to have Mark Schlereth give you your opinion of Tim Tebow for you.

Dan:

So I have a birthmark on my face (think Drew Brees) that often times leads to me getting free shit due to people making insensitive comments. I have received free meals, drinks, and lap dances on the account of a waitress/bartender/stripper making a comment such as, "oh it looks like you have gotten in a fight," and me telling the actual truth. If you were me, a 25-year-old single male, where would you be hanging around the most trying to get free treats for my birthmark?

Wait a second. You get FREE lap dances just because you have a mark on your face? Buy me a Sharpie. I'm drawing the Caspian Sea on my face and heading to Popeye's.

PT:

Is there anything more flummoxing for the father of a daughter than attempting to help them with their hair? It seems so simplistic and yet we arrive at this position with virtually no training. Every time that I have to hurriedly do my daughter's hair on her way out for school, she ends up looking like: a) Nick Nolte's mugshot, or b) Every kid that has ever been shown in the background on Cops during a meth house bust. Even putting in a barrette is beyond my capabilities.

Barrettes are the fucking worst. I don't know what purpose they serve. They hold such a minimal amount of hair in place. I try gathering up a clump of my kids hair and pressing the barrette down and it never holds. Yet my wife can take the just RIGHT amount of hair and clip it in so that it never gets in my child's eyes for the next decade. How is that possible? By the way, I love any spring loaded barrette, where you can pinch the ends and the bar comes springing out. I feel like I'm releasing a bear trap when I do that.

Also, brushing a kid's hair is awful. I've never made it through a brushing session without my kid screaming out in agony because I caught a tangle. They don't just scream. They fucking SQUEAL, bursting your eardrum with the highest pitched sound humanly possible. I'm never prepared for it. It's like someone fired a gun next to me.

By the way: Detanglers? THEY DO NOTHING.

Mark:

I have a 1 and a half year old boy. As you know, bathing young kids is brutal on your back and a pain in the ass in general, so the other week I decided to just take a shower with the kid instead. We get in and he's having a blast playing in the water and all that while I just basically stood there and zoned out. Of course, because I was in the shower, I had the urge to piss. I was THIS close to starting when I remembered that my kid was in the shower too. Christ, I was milliseconds away from pissing all over my son. The rest of the shower was agony holding that piss in. Now I make sure to go before I get in
the shower.

I was pissing once and my son came into the bathroom because the sound of pissing is like catnip to a young child. They hear your piss hitting the water and it's like WHOA HEY! SOMEONE IS PISSING WITHOUT ME! I WANT IN! So he comes in and I'm pissing and he's staring at the piss going in the bowl when he suddenly advances upon the stream to put his hand in it, and I was like NOOOOOOOOOOO. So I grabbed his little head and held it there while I finished, essentially giving my own son the Heisman so that I could avoid pissing into his hand. You will never feel more awkward in your life.

Kids love toilets. One time, I was sitting in my the bathroom taking a shit when one of my kids came barging in. And I had half a turd poking out that I was trying to finish off and I was like GET OUT OF HERE!

HER: What are you doing?

ME: I'm pooping.

HER: Are you done pooping?

ME: No. Daddy needs privacy. Remember when we talked about privacy.

HER: Oh, okay. (leaves, comes back knocking five seconds later) Are you done pooping?

ME: NO!

Matt:

I am a Bears fan. I was at a bar for the game but had to leave before overtime because I had an obligation. They lost. Is it my fault?

YES. You fucking asshole. I could have been spared another week of Tebowmaniafeverherpes and you fucked it all up.

Farnsworth:

Why does it seem that ever since ESPN got the rights to Monday Night Football, there has been a bevy of God-fucking-awful games (e.g. Seahawks-Rams)? Is it my imagination or is this seriously as fucked up as it seems?

The reason why is because, when ESPN took over MNF, it essentially switched places with Sunday Night Football in the TV hierarchy. It used to be that Sunday Night games were dogshit and ABC got all the good matchups for Monday Night. The rules are that EVERY NFL team has to be featured at least once in prime time during the season. (UPDATE: WRONG!) When MNF was on ABC, all the shitty teams that really didn't deserve to be on primetime got dumped onto Sunday Night Football. Thus, I had to spend a decade listening to Mike Patrick and Joe Theismann broadcast one-throwgasm games and wanting to stab myself in the fucking eye in the process. Now, the priority has switched, with all those garbage games getting dumped on to Monday Night, with ESPN happily paying the most in rights fees for the shittiest product. And you know what the worst thing about it is? With Jaws calling the games, they somehow manage to feel even LESS important, because I know that Jaws is actively trying to sell me on two teams that eat ass.

The way to solve this is by eliminating the rule that every team has to play in primetime. I know some owners of bad teams would scoff at this idea, but I don't know why they would. It's the same as letting the slow kid win your swim meet. The honor is diminished if you just hand it out to everyone.

Brett:

My wife and I are expecting a baby boy in a few weeks and we were discussing circumcision. I'm a British born citizen (moved to the states when I was 5) so I was never circumcised. Anyway, long story short, I told my better half that I'd like my son to be like his father and not be snipped...she flipped out. She argued hygiene and aesthetics and I argued that she knew nothing about weinerhood do to her lack of one. I even went as far as saying that I should have all final say on penile matters for this and all future male offspring (flipped out even more). Am I wrong to want my kid to have a hoody? I'll be honest I kinda just wanna spite her now and stick to my guns?

I think you should veto the circumcision for "basketball reasons."

Ryan:

If you were on Death Row and were allowed to choose your method of execution, what would you pick? I know Utah executed a guy last year by firing squad, but what if there were other options, like the guillotine, throwing off a cliff, etc?

It depends on if it were televised or not. If no one is watching, then you go with the least painful method possible, which I assume would be the gas chamber (most painful method would be electric chair with no wet sponge on your head, like that one dude who gets fried in The Green Mile). But if everyone is watching, I'd opt to be strangled to death by Tim Tebow. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HERO NOW, AMERICA?

Shomari:

How many days in a row is it appropriate to wear the same pair of dress pants? I just graduated from school and don't have a large wardrobe of work clothing and I basically end up wearing the same two pair of pants every day for weeks because I am far to lazy to do laundry more than twice a month.

I say you ride each pair until there is visible stainage. That was always my approach. No visible cum stains? THOSE PANTS ARE CLEAN. It's like Bill Murray explaining his shirts in Ghostbusters 2. "I have many subtle levels." Once in a while, I used to get paranoid about people knowing that I hadn't washed my work jeans (advertising!) for weeks on end. But that feeling goes away if you ignore it enough.

By the way, there are few worse feelings in the world than gratifying yourself, throwing on a pair of khakis, and then realizing you didn't extract every last drop of seminal fluid, causing a tiny little stain visible to all. Sure, only YOU know it's jizz. But that's enough to ruin your day.

HALFTIME!

Jack:

I work in an office building that's 4/5 Google employees. They've recently taken over the bathroom right outside our office space. By take over, I mean literally destroy, to the extent we can't go in there without dry heaving. I'm pretty sure all Google serves in their swanky little invite-only cafeterias is Indian and Chinese food. What's the etiquette for how we proceed? Can I strategically place cans of Febreze and Oust in the stalls? Put a sign on the door? Put up a fake "Bathroom Closed" sign so they stop using it? Seriously, it constantly smells like dead baby in there.

Now that's awful. It's not enough that these fucking Googlers get a free de facto Whole Foods buffet to themselves. Now they have go defiling YOUR toilet with a pound of used green curry tempeh? That shit ain't right. I'd put air fresheners in there, along with an invoice charging the Google poopers for the cost. Also, I'd write them a detailed note telling them, that you hate the new Gmail layout, even if it doesn't really bother you.

Matt:

Found in a bar in Ohio. Are you lost?

The Postmortal Live Holiday Funbag

Not that I know of. Who uses blue paper for a missing persons notice? "Have you seen my son? He's 5'8". Also, he's a Smurf."

Jason:

Why do we have middle names? It doesn't seem like people ever have to use them.

Middle names exist for two reasons. First off, you can use them to toss in a family member's name so that your overbearing mother-in-law or whoever the fuck doesn't bitch about the REAL name you picked. Secondly, people use middle names when the husband wants to name the child after himself (arrogant cock) but no one actually wants to call the child by the same name. So you use the middle name as a way of bestowing a real name upon the kid, while keeping the dickhead husband happy. That's you end up with classmates named E. Henry Thripshaw. I don't trust middle name people.

Jon:

I just found out I need a root canal next week. Should I kill myself?

Yes. The thing about any dental procedure is that, even when numbed, I live in constant fear that not enough Novacaine was used. And that's enough to make me flinch any time I feel anything out of the ordinary. Like if the dentist moves the drill to the left, I'm just bracing myself for the pain and pre-emptively squirming away from the drill and stammering out something unintelligible like ERRUUGHHHHH!

You should opt for the gas, but dentists are fuckers and always offer it to you without telling you that insurance won't cover it. I was getting a cavity filled once and the dentist was like, "Want some nitrous?" And I was like OH FUCK YES I WOULD. Then she was about to gas me and suddenly I was like, "Wait, do you cover this?" And she gave me that phony Christian smile and was like, "Sorry, we don't." I nearly punched her right in the fucking face. Dentists are evil.

Even when the Novacaine holds during an invasive procedure like that, you can still FEEL something is going on. You can still sense the presence of large metal instrument burrowing deep into your body, and it's a sickening feeling. They're doing something to you that you CANNOT see. And if you did see it, you'd fucking freak out. So either way, you lose.

John:

I still can't decide if LeBatard's show is great or the biggest piece of shit on television. Which one is it?

Is that the one where stuff is in Spanish and there's an old guy sitting next to him? I have no problem with that. It beats "First Take".

By the way, I have no idea what has compelled ESPN to give Stephen A. Smith a second push. They fired his ass years ago because everyone hated his fucking guts. What's changed? Did they think we'd just forget how badly Stephen A. sucked? Was there NO ONE ELSE out there that they could have tried out instead? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? We always bitch about retread coaches, and yet networks continually employ retread broadcasters, when the pool of people qualified for a job talking about sports consists, literally, of millions of people.

This is why people get so pissy about Peter King and Colin Cowherd and the like. These are men who get paid lots of money to talk about sports when you and I know full well that many ordinary citizens (like you) can not only do their job, but perhaps do it even BETTER. And so it's annoying when someone like King takes a lofty position we all covet and uses it to talk about the fucking Red Sox eating too much chicken.

Jeff:

What's the worst holiday food out there?

Everyone says fruitcake, but I dunno why people bitch about it so much. It's cake soaked in butter and booze. I think there are much worse holiday foods out there, like plain green beans. My mom makes them every Christmas. They taste awful make you fart for weeks on end. Without a can of cream-of-mushroom soup and fried onions, green beans are SHIT.

Also, never eat the sides of a gingerbread house. Never has something so appetizing ended up being so disappointing.

Polk Panther:

I am currently under home quarantine because I'm radioactive and a danger to others. I had to drink radioactive iodine-131 yesterday as part of a cancer treatment, and now for the next two days I can't come within six feet of any living thing for fear of irradiating them. Drinking liquid poison is probably the most badass thing I will ever get to do, plus hopefully I will be in remission after it.

So my question is, which set of radiation-related super powers should I be wishing for - Hulk or Spiderman?

(photo attached of the lead-lined apparatus I drank out of - they made me use a standard bendy straw.)

The Postmortal Live Holiday Funbag

Holy shit. That's amazing. I bet the lead makes your drink extra delicious. The answer to your question is Spiderman powers, because Spiderman can control his powers, whereas Hulk just gets angry and starts fucking shit up, then spends the rest of his life regretting the destruction he's caused. He's like a sex addict, really.

What if, every time you got angry, your dick turned green, grew twenty times its size, and burst out of your clothing? Would you ever be able to go out in public with Hulk Dick? I say no. One stolen parking spot and suddenly I'd be sporting a WATERMELON OF HATE.

Andrew:

What's the societally acceptable minimum to spend on office Christmas presents? Is there a % of salary figure? Where's my Christmas bonus anyways?

I say it's nothing. Fuck giving gifts to people in your office. Because if you get one present for one real friend at work, you have to get presents for every goddamn person there. Don't get suckered into that. Only Eunice the HR lady is dumb enough to do that, and that's only because she lives alone with six cats and needs you to validate her existence by thanking her for the Hershey's Pot of Gold.

Gil:

Do you ever get the urge, nay compulsion, to pull the fire alarm, especially like the old red ones they had on the walls in school? I never have, but I bet it would feel awesome, except getting arrested/causing an old lady to get trampled in the ensuing riot, etc.

When I was a preschooler, my mom took me to my sister's school for a visit and so I could wipe my boogers on the school drywall. And while she had left me unattended (this was the 80's, when you could do that to a child), I saw the fire alarm on the wall. I didn't hesitate. I pulled it and instantly there was MASS HYSTERIA. Kids came flying out of the classrooms and spilled out onto the lawn and I felt like the most powerful human being on planet Earth. All I had to do was flick a switch everyone came running. It was intoxicating.

By the way, fire alarm makers aren't doing themselves any favors by putting alarm levers behind breakable glass. You mean I get to pull a lever AND break something? That's like double the kidgasm.

FatNakedMoleRat:

The other day my lady went to a sex toy party with a bunch of broads. When she came home she gleefully announced that she had bought me something. I figured she bought a leather french maid outfit or something awesome like that, wrong. Much to my horror, she pulled out this rubber contraption that looks like a pink sea cucumber. Apparently I'm supposed to stick my dick in it and it will give "better suction than even a mouth!" She bought this so she never has to give me a blow job again, right?

I guess so. I personally would be scared off by anything that had "better suction than even a mouth." I think mouth-level suction is all I need, thank you. I don't need anything stronger. If I did, I'd be humping the Dyson.

By the way, I think it's important to know if your fake rubber vegetable pussy WORKS. Because if it does, well then... that's quite a nice gift.

Brian:

A month or so ago, while on vacation in the Bahamas, I noticed that my bikini-clad sister-in-law had a tampon string hanging out of her suit. Do I tell her, do I tell my wife to tell her discretely, or do I avoid the ogling question and say nothing?

Say nothing. There's no good in telling anyone what you saw, because the inevitable result will be your sister-in-law or your wife wondering why you were staring at your sister-in-law's box. As if a man can't glance at a woman's box innocently. There always has to be some kind of sordid spin on it! Fuckers.

Jake:

I want to, and have, ridiculed Packer fans for desperately wanting to buy "stock" in their team. However, part of me admires their willingness to support the squad, especially given the stadium debate here in the Twin Cities.

Don't admire them. That whole stock thing is just a PR tool used to perpetuate the idea that the PAckers are a perfect little team with perfect little fans located in a perfect little town. Plus, it's a handy excuse for some asshole Packers fan to gloat about how his team is the only community-owned team in football, which makes them BETTER PEOPLE AND BETTER CHRISTIANS THAN YOU. Fuck those assholes. I've been to Milwaukee. There are dicks there, okay? I went to get a burger and one guy at the counter wore a Casio watch the size of your head and told the bartender, "Hey Greg, there's a party in your mouth and we're all gonna come." Packers fans can be just as dickish as anyone else.

Banks:

You get 1 million dollars but you have to wear booty shorts for 1 year. Can't explain it to anyone why you are wearing them. Yes or no?

Yes. Because not only would I pocket a cool million, but also because I could get an easy book deal out of it once the year was up. Publishers would jizz their pants at the idea of one man chronicling what it's like to go a whole year with your ass hanging out.

Chris:

How much piss do you think the average woman will inadvertently consume from giving blowjobs in her lifetime?

Not as much as you'll inadvertently consume in oral reciprocation. You do reciprocate, right? Don't be a fucker.

Anthony:

As a half Jew, I normally would not be defending the use of nazi propaganda on foodstuffs. However, my wife is Indian, so I'm painfully aware that the swastika is actually a Hindu symbol that the asshole nazis just ripped off because they thought it looked cool.

See below: a member of our Mumbai team at work brought these for everyone when she visited at work. It's Ganesh, the most widely worshipped deity in India, with a big swastika on its head. I have it in my cube at work and am sorta looking forward to have someone accuse me of being a Nazi so I can throw it back in their face. Plus my wife is Indian do I have that extra smugness from being so progressive that I married a minority.

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Awww, so cute! I've never seen a Swastika used in such an adorable fashion. And look at the COCK on that little Indian Elephant Nazi Pope! It's huge! He's gonna get some hot action tonight, even with that freakshow nose of his.

Matt:

Is porn and sex addiction a real thing or is it just something you say to placate a woman/the public?

Read this and you'll know it isn't bullshit. It's a real thing. You can pretty much become addicted to anything, provided that it meets the criteria of having an adverse effect on every other aspect of your life.

The problem is that there are enough bullshitters out there to crowd out people who have REAL addictions. If a serial philanderer sees that he can possibly save his marriage and even gain sympathy by crying out that he's a sex addict, he's gonna cry that he's a sex addict. That may not be true, of course. He may just be an asshole. But that doesn't mean that our friend at Gentle Path didn't have a real and true addiction that was destroying his ability to function as a human being.

Jeff:

So I'm currently in the bathroom at work and the guy in the stall next to me went into an intense sneezing fit. What is the "God bless you" etiquette for that situation? I felt like a dick for not saying anything, but I didn't want to open the Pandora's box of inter-stall conversation.

You have to do the mumbled "God bless you," which is the form of "God bless you" I always use when someone near me is sneezing while I'm shitting/exercising/sleeping on a bus. You don't say "God bless you" with clear diction. Instead, you mumble under your breath "Gub blehhh you." Be sure to say it diminuendo, starting off mildly audible and then descending into utter incomprehensibility. This way, the person knows you blessed them and will return it with a muttered "Thegg youuuu" that ends the conversation. Really, it's almost as if you haven't talked at all. It's grunting just enough to let someone know that their suffering didn't go unnoticed.

Chad:

So Marshawn Lynch now gets showered with Skittles when he scores at home. If you were a player, what candy would you like to have rained down upon you? I think I'd go with gummy bears.

It has to be a wrapped candy, so that I know the guy throwing it didn't just paw off every goddamn giraffe-sized bathroom piss trough germ onto it for my consumption. How about a Snickers mini? Not the Fun Size ones, but the miniature miniature ones. Just one little bite! That would give me just the energy I needed to rip off another 30-yard gain.

By the way, Dennis Miller's old rant about Snickers ads was awesome. I used to rewind the "Off White Album" again and again to listen to it. LIKE YOU CAN SUBSIST ON THIS SHIT."

Aaron:

Weird question, but: Is Sandusky now the most famous pedophile in US History? Certainly in the last decade, but further back?

No way. Michael Jackson has him beat, so long as you think Michael Jackson was a pederast (and I do!). By the way, given how Sandusky's lawyer has handled the case thus far, I think there's a real shot that his entire formal defense against all charges will be either I WAS SLEEPWALKING, or I TOOK A SUPPLEMENT AND IT MADE ME LOVE PRETEEN COCK.