Well, that about wraps up yet another shitty year of the new millennium. I don't know about you, but I personally can't wait to see what future shitty years have in store: rising water prices, a sharp growth in armed RoHoWa militias, a new Pitbull album ... everything shitty is on the table, people.
But if there was one glaring, constant theme of American life in 2011, it was this: 2011 was officially the year we became a fully realized nation of trolls.
We now live in a country where it pays to be hated far more than it pays to be loved, where pissing people off is somehow viewed as a valuable commodity. We've been building to this shit for a while now, ever since Slate Magazine was founded and Sarah Palin pulled her first shotgun out of her pussy. 2011 has represented the apex of trolling nationwide. Consider these milestones:
• Rebecca Black releases "Friday."
• The Killing winds up getting nominated for a handful of Emmys and even made one year-end Top 10 list, despite the fact that every reasonable human being fucking despised it by the end of its first season.
• Kim Kardashian makes $14 million off a marriage that the general public knew well in advance to be fraudulent.
• Occupy Wall Street takes what is a perfectly noble cause—demanding that corporate interests not be allowed to overwhelm the democratic process—and then ruins all that goodwill by fulfilling every possible stereotype that people have about dipshit liberal protesters, including having rules in place to ensure that the movement remains completely rudderless.
• Michelle Bachmann speaks out against mandatory vaccinations that help prevent cervical cancer, establishing the world's first pro-cancer political platform.
• Darren Rovell surpasses 150,000 followers on Twitter.
• The American economy nearly goes into default because of a bunch of Tea Party shitheads who don't want the country to have any government of any kind. The entire Tea Party platform, in fact, is like a trolling manifesto. Think there's a growing income gap in America? Well, let's make that gap BIGGER. Think banks have been given a license to commit fraud? Well, let's make sure they're LESS regulated. Think hamburgers are delicious? WRONG. Hamburgers are no longer delicious. MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS!
• My 5-year-old pushes her brother off a trampoline, yet somehow still gets an American Girl doll for Christmas.
• Charlie Sheen gets a $100 million severance package after being fired from his job for being a drug addict and all-around asshole.
You get the idea. From WikiLeaks to David Stern to bank CEOs who have somehow eluded prosecution, the enduring theme of 2011 will be that it pays to be a ruinous societal shitstain. Take it from someone who has joined in the fun on more than one occasion. You're not getting anywhere in this country anymore if you're a good person who wants to make a valuable contribution to society. Do you know what happens to people in America today who do good things? They DIE. They invent the iPad, and then they get pancreatic cancer and die. Meanwhile, Rick fucking Perry still lives and breathes. That's how it works now. I remember when Sarah Palin, the original Troll Doll, first came on the scene in 2008, and some asshole commentator basically said that her main gift was her ability to piss off liberals. And I thought: "Well, that's not actually a gift. You can't do anything with that. Being able to piss people off isn't a skill." Holy shit was I wrong. That shrieking cunt is ass rich now, all because she speaks out vehemently against ideas that make perfect sense.
So if you're looking to get ahead in 2012, I strongly advise you to look to the trolls. Go out and key someone's car. Be the lone American to write an effusive obit of Kim Jong Il. Watch more 2 Broke Girls. Be aggressively counterproductive. You will soon find yourself rich and happier in a nation where everything has been fucked inside out.