It was Dec. 27, and Jason Feifer was pumped for the Miami Heat home season opener. Feifer and his dad had scored tickets to see the Heat take on the Boston Celtics. As the Feifers settled into their seats, they paid little attention to the petite woman next to them. The woman was by herself, wearing bright red lipstick and a sparkly Heat shirt. She seemed harmless. Then the game started, and she began cheering. The Feifers soon realized they were in the company of the world's most annoying Heat fan.
Now, we've all been in the presence of the braying super-fan—the kind that caterwauls after every routine play or bellows drunkenly over your shoulder. Petite, sparkly woman was of the shrill variety. Which is the worst. She just wouldn't—or couldn't—shut up, according to Feifer the Younger:
At one point, after Wade hit a free throw, she yelled, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!" and my dad turned and said, "I'm pretty sure he actually heard what you're talking about." And she smiled a I-think-you're-joking-but-I-don't-really-know-what-you're-talking-about smile, then just went right back to yelling.
About midway through the first quarter, Feifer found the need to document his annoyance. He ran the voice memo app on his iPhone for 10 minutes. What he captured is an aural bombardment. A few samples:
Feifer later built an interactive soundboard of the woman's cheers so everyone can understand his pain. Here it is for your enjoyment. Just click on the individual cheer you want to hear.