If You Don't Like Bacon On Your Hamburger, Then Screw You

Let's talk about hamburgers for moment, because they're delicious. They're big and moist, and when that little mixture of beefy juices and ketchup runoff goes sliding down your hand and you quickly lick it up like a porn star—well now that's quite a moment. And you know what makes a hamburger even better? BACON. Which is why I'm consistently baffled as to why two of the three most-acclaimed burger chains in America today (Five Guys, In-N-Out, Shake Shack) don't offer bacon on your hamburger.

I don't understand this at all. I'll go to my fucking GRAVE not understanding it. You walk into a Five Guys, and you can get a bacon burger (plus free peanuts! BOOSH). You walk into a Shake Shack or an In-N-Out and ask for the same thing, people look at you like you're a Vegas tourist who doesn't understand the rules at the craps table. What alternate fucking universe do these people live in where bacon is not crucial to the well-being of a hamburger?

Do you Shake Shack people understand what a glaring fuckup this is? Eighty percent of all websites are dedicated to people taking photos of shit with bacon in it. We've put bacon in everything now. There's bacon salt, baconnaise, bacon ketchup, chocolate-covered bacon, bacon toothpaste, bacon-flavored injectable insulin. I'm shocked that BACON wasn't listed as an option on the Iowa caucus ballot (It would have CRUSHED Romney). Bacon is good. People really like it. Yet both Shake Shack and In-N-Out seem to think you can do without it. Is there some sort of Evangelical pox on bacon that I'm not aware of? Are the Jesus Freaks who run In-N-Out burger forbidden from serving it?

I was talking about this the other day with Matt Ufford, who is a big In-N-Out fan. I shared my disgust with the fact that you can't get bacon there or at Shake Shack.

UFF: Yeah, but it's really good.

ME: Yes, but bacon would make it better.

UFF: Eh.

ME: What do you mean, "Eh"? THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT.

The people at Bacon Today recommended you bring your own bacon with you when eating at In-N-Out, but I object to that for two reasons. First of all, I'd eat all the bacon on my way to the restaurant. Secondly, I shouldn't have to go to such lengths to get a fucking bacon burger at a restaurant that sells hamburgers. Danny Meyer? You should be ashamed of yourself. Here you go and build the perfect fast-food joint and you leave out the perfect ingredient, bacon. You might as well leave out the fucking bun while you're at it. Just throw a patty of hot ground-up short ribs at your customers and tell them tough shit. FUCK YOU. If you left bacon off your menu because you thought it disrupted the precious "flavor profile" of your burger, then you are an arrogant bastard and I will poop frozen custard on your doorstep.

The next time you go to a burger restaurant that doesn't offer bacon, I want you to take your dick out and ask them if they can throw some salami on it instead. People who don't like bacon on a hamburger are fucked in the head.