We get a lot of questions at the Deadspin Funbag, but the question we were asked most often during this NFL season was some variation of the following:
From reader BJ:
What if Tim Tebow actually turned out to be Jesus reincarnate? Jesus had his abilities, Tebow has his athletic abilities. Jesus had his doubters and his followers, Tebow has his doubters and followers. How scary is that to think about?
Keep in mind that most of the people asking this question didn't actually BELIEVE that Tebow was the Son of God, they just wanted to know what would happen if that turned out to be the case. With that in mind, I decided to tackle every possible ridiculous Tebow scenario, starting with the one above.
What if Tebow really were Jesus?
This is unlikely, because Tebow is the youngest of five children and his mother has never insisted upon her own virginity. However, if Tebow came out and declared Himself to be God the Son, and then turned water into wine on national television, SHIT WOULD GET HEATED. You'd have people taking Him at his Word and becoming his disciples. Then you'd have cynical bastards like me saying He's full of shit and that His water-conversion motion has poor mechanics and that everyone who buys His story is a wingnut freakshow. Then you'd have the wingnuts taking up arms and firebombing Bill Maher's house. Then the violence would spread to the Middle East and beyond, with angry mobs burning Tebow in effigy and Tebow converts responding by throwing rocks and sticks and very small babies. Then World War III would break out and last for nine years until Tebow, at age 33, finally ascended to a mount and beseeched the world to end the bloodshed, begging all men to love each other and work together in peace and harmony.
And then He would be crucified. Then we'd have to wait another 2,000 years until another quarterback arrived with His skill set. God is cruel.
What if Tebow were to win the Super Bowl?
That can't happen. I mean honestly, it can't. We'd all die from ESPN-induced rage cancer. There are three Hall of Fame QBs playing in these playoffs. There's no possible way that little Timmy Tebow's team can knock off two of th... You know what? No. I'm not getting into that trap. This young man THRIVES on haterade. He laps it up like it's Christ's own blood. Anyone predicting his doom is just gonna end up looking like an asshole. Better to clam up, pretend to root for him, and then act all condescending when things go wrong. That's what good Christians do to their neighbors.
Anyway, if Tebow wins the Super Bowl, we'll all fucking die.
What if Tebow were gay?
It's a hard truth that the most religious guy on your block is the one most likely to be sneaking out to truck stops at 3 a.m. so he can greedily lap up every last ounce of redneck jizz caked on the bathroom stall partition. Anyway, if Tebow were gay, a couple of things would happen. First off, Mike Silver would die from excitement. Secondly, Tebow would have an incredible opportunity to bridge the persistent divide in this nation between evangelical Christians and the gay community. I mean, honestly: It's time for this matter to be settled. Tebow could get his followers to be more accepting of gays, and he could get filthy liberals to be more accepting of evangelicals. I think he and Von Miller would make the cutest gay couple ever.
What if Tebow were assassinated while out on the field?
Then I think you would see the Jesus scenario from Question 1 unfold. I also think his sperm would be harvested and given to willing congregants for mass breeding.
What if Tebow were secretly a serial killer?
Then I think it would seriously compete with the O.J. scandal and the Penn State scandal for the title of Worst All Time. Tebow would be arrested, tried, and perhaps acquitted due to a sympathetic jury, with a sizable fraction of the populace convinced that he couldn't possibly be guilty of such heinous crimes. Meanwhile, he'd be banned from football forever, which would mean we'd never have to hear about whether or not he has what it takes to be a winning pro QB ever again. It's a win-win situation. Except for the murder victims. They'd get the short end of the stick.
What if Deadspin were to find a Tebow dong shot?
We can and WE WILL! I don't think it would change anything about where people stand on Tebow, only now we'd have a penis to stare at. I think that would really add to the conversation.
What if Deadspin were to find a picture of Tebow taking a bong rip?
I'd totally start rooting for him.
What if Tebow were a very nice man and an occasionally effective quarterback?
Pfft. That's stupid. TOTALLY UNREALISTIC.
Image by Jim Cooke