Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
It's a Friday night during my senior year in college and I'm on the basketball team for a Division 3 state school in New Jersey. (I know, try to contain your excitement) Our games were usually attended by like 50-75 people in a sad high school-like gym. Since this was a Friday night, and we were playing a rival school, we actually had a packed house. I'm a lanky white stiff, but I managed to have 14 points, 14 rebounds and hit the winning free throws in the final seconds of the game, which is pretty cool since lots of my friends, family and people I know from campus were actually there to witness it.
Anyway, humblebrags aside, after the game we hit the liquor store to stock up for the evening's festivities. This is where I'm first introduced to Bombay Sapphire Gin. This is something that's normally too fancy for my college-level palate and college-level wallet, but since I'm feeling like BMOC, I splurge. Sapphire is also 94 proof (as opposed to most liquors that are 80 proof) which I learn very quickly as I become blind drunk before midnight.
After the pregame and the bar, my friends and I wind up at an apartment party where we know NO ONE. It takes about 10 minutes before I see one of my idiot bros engaged in a shoving match with one of the people that lived there. An all-out brawl ensues and spills out into the apartment complex courtyard, along with shouts of "THE COPS ARE COMING!"
This is where a girl we'll call Fran appears from outta nowhere, grabs my arm and says "you'd better come with me before the cops get here." Mind you, I'm about 10 yards from my own apartment, but what am I gonna say, no? So off to FAP's place we go.
Clothes come off quickly and we're getting down to business when, in my incredibly drunken state, I surprisingly tell her "I've gotta get a condom." I have no idea why I was feeling so responsible on this particular night, but here's when things get freaky. I leave her apartment...buck naked...and proceed to sprint to my apartment. I'll paint the picture...a 6' 7" dude running full tilt...ass naked...in 35 degree NJ winter (SHRINKAGE) at 2:00am through multiple courtyards in an apartment complex. No shoes, nothin. Again, I have no idea why I did this.
I get to my place, grab a condom and a bathrobe (my mom got it for me for Christmas) and head back to Fran's place...only I have no idea which apartment she lives in. So I do what any level headed young man would do. I start jiggling every door handle I can find. After opening many incorrect doors and freaking out SEVERAL randoms, I go home, dejected and still half naked, to smoke a bowl with whoever is still awake to hear my tale.
The next day I was able to piece together that I had been jiggling door knobs in the "I" building, when Fran lived in the complex's "J" building. Eventually I got my clothes back, but my dignity is still M.I.A.
I was dating this girl. The first week we were dating, it was my birthday. She tells me that afternoon that she didn't get anything for me but would make it up to me that night. We go out. I get pretty smashed at a house party but she only has a couple since she says she wants to fully remember tonight. I think this is an amazing idea and don't push any drinks at her. We then head to the bars. After grinding a while, she turns to me and says I can do more for you once we get back to your room (I lived in a quad in the dorms because most people at my college lived on campus).
We head back and start making out on the futon where I get her shirt off for the first time, success. We then hear the door handle start to move and quick move to my bottom bunk in a side room.
There, we continue the makeout session for a good while. She mounts me and then proceeds to dryhump me for a while. After about ten minutes of making out/dry humping, she starts to moan. Suddenly, I hear a rustle above me but don't think anything of it. My roommate Rob above me sleeps like a log, he moves a lot, but needs a blaring alarm to wake him up. Plus, he had just pulled an all-nighter on a paper so I knew he would be sound asleep.
Then, she slowly moves her head down my body when she just as she's about to get my boxers all the way off, she hears Rob roll over. Suddenly she realizes that Rob sits across from her in her 10 person child pyschology seminar entitled "Moral Development." She stops says she can't let him know that she's willing to do this much so early in a relationship. I try to assuage her fears, but she's having none of it. She puts her panties back on even though she's dripping wet and insists we just spoon and go to sleep. Neither of us can sleep for the first hour since my boner refuses to go away.
The next morning at about six, she's getting up to sneak out and back to her room. When she's just starting move out, I put my hands down on her hip and my hip. I realize that both my boxers and her panties are completely soaked. She gets up, gets dressed, and heads out. It didn't smell and wasn't sticky, nor did it leave any tell-tale stain. I couldn't tell if it was piss, sweat, jizz, or her juices that ended up all over me. I never got to figure out, either as we broke up a few weeks later never having talked about that night and never having gotten further.
Oh, and Rob had taken sleeping pills and slept straight through the night for 15 hours of sleep. He didn't even realize I had come back that night.
So it was my senior year of high school, which was about 4 years ago. The summer before my senior year I met this girl from my school (also a senior), we'll call her Amber, and we instantly had a spark between each other. We started hanging out every weekend, hooking up, but no actual intercourse. I kept wondering why she was holding out on me.
A few months into the school year, we had our Homecoming Game Dance. Along with the dance our school has the senior students vote for a Homecoming King and Queen. At the football game, Amber was named queen. I thought for sure this was my night to lose my v-card and go out with a bang. Amber kept hinting to me how we were going to have a great night, and that "she couldn't wait till after the dance."
So were at the dance and everything is going great. She did her little slow dance with the Homecoming King, we danced, hooked up, but I knew I still had to get some alcohol in her so she could loosen up. After the dance we headed over to a party one of the seniors at our school was having. We both drank and drank and drank some more. We finally were heading back to my place (my parents left me the house to myself that night). I had a few of my buddies crash at my house as well with their dates.
So finally, were both drunk and in my bed. We are hooking up slowly, I'm taking her clothes off, and she's taking off mine. Then she starts with some foreplay touching me downstairs, stroking me for a while. So then were both naked hooking up and she stops and says, "Wait! I can't do this" and I was just "What, come on yes you can its fine don't be scared." After a long 20 second pauses she turns to me and says, "There's another guy! he left to college in Dallas, Texas this year and I promised him my first time would be with him." I tried talking her out of it, but there was no changing her mind. I think you can imagine the anger I had in me. So about 2 minutes later she turned put her panties on and knocked out. I went to the other room jacked off and fell asleep on the couch. Since that day on she just considers us friends now. FUCK THAT GUY FROM TEXAS.
Indeed. Fucking long distance boyfriends. If you cared so much, you'd be CLOSER, I tell you. A long distance boyfriend is like some asshole who tries to save his spot in line.