20 Rules For Your Super Bowl Party

Originally published Jan. 29, 2009.

I have a new kid, so I won't be going to any Super Bowl party this week. This doesn't bother me much, because all I truly need to enjoy the Super Bowl is the game, food, alcohol, and a spank break at the end of a quarter. I don't really need unwanted socializing awkwardly jammed into the mix. But if you, Good Spinners, are having a party this week, you'd best follow these guidelines:

If there are people at your party who don't know shit about football, they better fucking all be women. I don't actually mind having football newbies at a Super Bowl party. It helps make me look like I know way more about the game than I actually do. "You see that there, little lady? That's the cornerback. He mans up against the wide receiver to prevent him from catching the ball. By the way, my cock is so large, I can troll for marlin with it."

But I'll be damned if I'm explaining the game to some dipshit asshole fuckface GUY who doesn't know anything about what's going on. "The Steelers are usually pretty good, aren't they?" Yeah, asshole. They are. Now fuck off. I don't ask you stupid questions at your beat poetry reading.

You must have a high definition television. Guests are legally allowed to shoot the TV if you're subjecting them to standard definition.

You must have enough seating for all guests, and clear sightlines to the screen. And that seating has to be comfortable. The $10 plastic wok chair you bought at Ikea doesn't count.

Do not mix partisan guests and nonpartisan guests. Don't invite two diehard Steeler fans to a party with 40 other people. The other 38 guests will annoy the Steeler fans, and the Steeler fans will annoy the other 38 guests. Make it nothing but one team's fans, or make it an entirely neutral crowd.

Buy three times the amount of food and alcohol you need.

Make the volume of the TV loud enough to shut down any potential conversation. If people want to have a free range discussion during the game, they can do it in the fucking kitchen.

Buy a plunger. Especially if I'm at your party. When the game is over, my cargo bay doors fly right open.

Unless you are a fan of one of the teams, do not decorate your place for the occasion.

Mandatory food items: Wings, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Nachos, chips and salsa, chili (recipe below), guacamole, eight foot long italian sub, cookies, jar of frosting with spoon in it (for me only), hooker covered in barbecue sauce.

Have weed handy in case the game goes to shit. Hugely improved the Colts-Bears Super Bowl for me.

You must instantly give an capsule review of any ad that comes on during the telecast. "The fuck is EDS? That was retarded."

You must have Super Bowl boxes or some other sort of gambling pool ready to go. Because if the game sucks, and you DON'T have weed, then I better damn well be able to lose some money.

No spaghetti sauce orgies until the game is over

No fucking kids

No kids fucking

If you have a yard large enough to accommodate an out door boxing ring, you must rent one.

No ethnic food. What are those, samosas? Fuck you. If it's not featured on the appetizer menu at an Applebee's or some other purveyor of horrifyingly unhealthy American cuisine, it doesn't belong here.

Supporters of the winning team may fire guns in the air if they like.

Always keep a separate room to stage monkey fights in.

And finally, your Super Bowl party is not really a party. It's just you hosting a game. Stay the fuck out of the way of the game. No one cares if you threw a great social event or not. You're just the sap who made brownies, bought beer, and opened your door. Don't try and upstage the game. Or I'll brain you to death with your own remote.