Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Before we get to this Blood Week-themed batch of DHF stories, I'm putting out the Batsignal and asking for more. Have you experienced the pain and humiliation of a failed hookup? Send us your tales of woe. Try and be brief if you can.
When I was 22 I had been dating this girl for a couple months. She was insanely hot. She also could drink. It was routine for her to order vodka on the rocks in a pint glass, and I can't remember a time that I hung out with her that she wasn't drunk.
This girl also happened to be the first girl that I slept with. I had chances to sleep with other girls, but I really wanted to be in love first. By "in love," I of course mean that I was waiting for a really hot girl to be able to show off to my friends. So, along comes this girl, we met at a mutual friends graduation party and hit it off. She was fresh out of her college relationship and didn't think anyone would like her because she got dumped. I was more than willing to fill her void.
Fast forward to a couple weeks later. I had been pressing for her to be my "girlfriend," but she was happy with the way things were. She didn't want to jump into anything too soon. I was ok with that because I was getting laid on a steady schedule. So, one night we do our usual thing. Go to the bar, she drinks vodka while I drink beer. We stumble back to my parents house, go down to the basement and start to fool around.
We're fooling around, and I get her bra off. I start to go to town on her, motor boating away. I notice a hickey on her left boob. I'm pretty sure that I didn't put that there, but I don't want to start that conversation right now because it will ruin the mood, so I commence to my motor boating, moving over to the right boob. I'm going to town again and I notice a hickey on the right boob, what the heck? So I figure I'll leave those alone and go up to kiss her. We're kissing for a little bit and I pull away. There is blood all over her face. My nose was bleeding. They weren't hickeys on her boobs, it was smeared blood.
Much to my surprise, she doesn't seem to mind all that much and just tells me to plug my nose and keep going. I try to, stop the bleeding by rolling up tissues and sticking them up my nose, but it's hard to bone like that, so I just give up and pass out. Not sure if it was from loss of blood, lack of oxygen since my nose was totally blocked, or drinking...my money is on the latter. She didn't seem to be too worried about me passing out, because when I woke up, she was gone. She said she didn't mind, but she must have because the next week she started hooking up with one of her co-workers from Ruby Tuesday's.
One night last year I was trying to meet up with this girl that I met at a concert, and she was going out at some bar across the city. She was going out of her way to make sure I came to meet up with her, so all indications were that I need to make this happen. So since this bar was so far away I decided it best that I should split a cab with my roommate to get to a bar that was halfway there and met up some friends of mine. I was there about 45 minutes and I started to text the girl to see if she was still at said bar, turns out she got too drunk and had to go home.
So at this point I turn to my buddy and say well there's only one way to salvage this situation and that's just to get hammered and enjoy the rest of the night. Well, my buddy's girlfriend was there with a friend of hers who then started to get a little frisky with me at the bar. She was freakishly tall. Bbeing the drunkass I am I turn around and say something real smooth and subtle like, "How exactly would it work if you were to hook up with someone smaller than you?" To which she calmly stared at me and replied, "It doesn't matter when you're laying down," as she deep throats her beer bottle
So we left the bar and went back to my house and she lays down on the small two seated couch, which I thought was an interesting choice considering her feet and head hung off of the sides of the couch and the other couch would fit the two of us more comfortably and a lot less awkwardly too for that matter. So we start hooking up and I'm trying my best not to fall off this damn thing and in the process we accidently cause both of the recliner legs to come out. Now my roommate gave up alcohol for Lent and was sleeping sober in the next room and in the middle of this comes out and goes, "Look could you two please try and keep it down out here? I can hear everything going on."
So I then convince her to come to my room, and she says yes but my pants are staying on. So we're in my bed and at one point she gets on top of me and starts dry humping me. At first I was like, alright cool, but then after a minute it wasn't cool because it really starts to fucking hurt, so I push her off. She takes this as a sign that I like to get a little rough and throws me back and tries to get back on top a few minutes later and I had to stop and say, "No seriously, stop, you're hurting me."
So the next morning I hear my roommates talking and shooting the shit so I get up and go to the bathroom, making a noticeable arc around the foot of my bed since her feet were hanging off, and go to take a pee. I look down and now I realize why it hurt when she was on top of me the night before. It looks like my dick got stuck in a meat grinder and is covered in rug burns, which made walking around the rest of the day a delicate affair. Never let a girl who is bigger than you dry hump you with jeans on.
Freshman year of college it was my birthday so some friends rented out a hotel with a hot tub in it to throw a hotel party. One guy brings over a girl. I was hammered in the hot tub flirting with this girl and that is really the last thing I remember. The next morning I wake up in my dorm room with a headache and papers from the hospital on my bedstand saying I have staples in my head and a concussion. I called one of my friends who was at the hotel and ask what happened last night. His reply is "HOLY SHIT YOU DONT REMEMBER?!?, I'm coming over now to tell you in person". So from him and eventually everyone else who was there I am told this is what happened.
The girl and I went into the bathroom where apparently she was blowing me, and as she was blowing me, I slipped on the wet tile floor and slammed the back of my head on the rim of the toilet. Everyone in the room hears her scream and runs in because they think I am raping her or something, but when they get in they see me lying in a pool of blood not sure if I'm alive or not. They take me to a hospital while the girl sits in the back with me holding a towel against my head.
Once I was in the hospital waiting room I puked all over the waiting area, and then while I was getting stapled up I wouldn't stop cussing and talking shit to the doctor. The night ended with them escorting me (now fully able to walk on my own and obnoxiously drunk) from the parking lot back to my dorm room while all I'm wearing is my boxers. It was pretty embarrassing telling my parents I have staples in my head because I was drunk and slipped (obviously left out the fellatio part), and then going back to the hospital where I am persona non grata to get my staples cut out a week later.
Or I could have just slipped and hit my head and then everyone conspired to make up the story of me getting fellated to make me feel better about the whole thing. Also the insurance card my friends gave them at the hospital had expired so this whole thing created a huge insurance headache as well that ended up costing my parents an extra grand.