Sick Children Are Where Good Food Goes To DieS

There's a half a bowl of Top Ramen sitting in my kitchen right now. It's gorgeous. The broth is warm. The noodles are all soft and crimpy. It's just begging me to eat it. It's just aching for me to take it into the coat closet and do VILE, DISGUSTING things to it.

But I can't eat that half a bowl of ramen, and the reason I can't is because that's my kid's bowl, and my kid has the stomach flu. Thus, that bowl of noodle soup is little more than a TRAP, a tempting bowl of sodium-laced goodness designed to lure me in and enslave me for 72 hours in alternating fits of dry heaving and painful diarrhea.

I can't tell you how hard it is to NOT eat that soup. The fact that I'm not supposed to eat it only makes me lust for it more. Normal people are able to push this kind of thing aside with relative ease. You should see how quickly my wife will throw away three quarters of a steak that she doesn't want anymore and no one else can eat because she has a sniffle. It's like she's murdering a puppy right in front of me. I can't watch her throw food away like that so casually. HAVE YOU NO FEELINGS, WOMAN?!

There are a lot of reasons why having a sick kid blows, and rest assured we will cover all of them here at the Dadspin tag. But for today, I'd just like to focus on the tragedy of sick children (and mothers) WASTING perfectly edible food. This is a problem. Children waste enough food when they're healthy. You could feed half of Somalia with the shit my ungrateful offspring have turned away.

But I can eat that food. I can clear those fish sticks from the table, bring them into the kitchen, and stuff them all into my repulsive foodhole before my wife has a chance to object. That's me being conscientious for the world's children.

But a sick kid? No, no. You can't touch that food. That food has been marked BIOHAZARD. I've reached for leftover sick-kid food multiple times only to have my wife react in horror. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!!" Then she slaps that shit out of hand like it's radioactive waste. But it's still tasty food that no one will ever eat! Don't you see the tragedy of that? It's as if the Toy Story toys never got to hang out with Andy and be used as makeshift nutrags as he grows up and learns how to fap. That food WANTS to be eaten. And I, brave soul that I am, want to eat it. Very much so. I want that food to fulfill its destiny by entering my body, getting processed into waste, and then spewing out my rectum. That is the only way for it to achieve true transcendence. To see it sitting there, ready to be consumed, without being able to consume it is AGONY. There are entire clean plates of food my sick kids will take one bite of and then be done with. It's like watching a virgin die alone.

Sometimes, I eat the tainted food. I do. I say, "Fuck it. THE BANK IS WORTH THE RISK, BROTHER," and I go to town. Only an idiot would do this, mind you. But my argument is always that I have a strong immune system, and that my virile antibodies will bring the thunder down on those pussy flu cells and I'll emerge sickness-free. This doesn't always happen. Usually, I get sick as a dog. But sometimes I WIN, and that shit is thrilling. To eat a sick child's food, or to make love to a woman with a bad head cold, and come out unscathed is a 100 PERCENT PURE ADRENALINE RUSH, FUCKOS. I'm not afraid to live dangerously. I'm not afraid to prove that my white blood cells are bad motherfuckers who are not to be toyed with.

Our pediatrician once told us that, when your kid is sick, all that matters is fluids. Food isn't that important. So do yourself a favor: NEVER give a sick kid any food. Let those little bastards starve. Don't let their filthy, diseased mitts touch an otherwise perfect pork chop. Good food is too important to waste on the ailing.

Image by Jim Cooke. Original photos by Viktor1 and Christos Georghiou/Shutterstock.