Great Moments In Group Sex FailureS

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Time to put out the Bat Signal and call for more DHF stories. As always, try and keep it brief, and do your best to rein in your douchier side when recalling these tales to us.

Caitlin:

About five years ago, I was seeing a guy who was into group sex. He was also a drunk. I was interested in having a threesome with two men (I am female) and, although he was nervous about it, "Josh" was open to it too We had been talking with this guy who was also interested and made plans for him to come over one night. Josh had been drinking heavily all night (as had I) and by the time the guy shows up, we are WASTED. Nevertheless we attempted to go at it, on my double bed. Unfortunately three people on a little bed (two of whom have consumed massive quantities of alcohol) makes for a bad mix and we have to keep awkwardly maneuvering over each other. All of a sudden, I see Josh roll off my bed and land on the floor where he is moaning and then passes out. Josh seemed to be ok- just drunk- so I try to start making out with the other guy. However, he objected to doing this in front of a possibly injured naked man on the floor. So the two of us (also naked) drag Josh over to my sofa to recover. I then proceeded to drunkenly continue with the other guy but he was too freaked out bythe whole situation and left.

Adam:

A little while back I get a text from this girl, Brunhilda. Now, Brunhilda and I had messed around off and on for the past year or so. I suppose you could say we were inconsistent friends with benefits; but when we did get together, things generally went down. Because I'd been suffering through a pretty long dry spell, I was happy to get this text and, since we both have the day off that Friday, we decided to meet for lunch.

Friday rolls around and I sleep in a little, go to the gym, and have a protein shake afterward. (I know that last sentence makes me sound like quite the douche, but it will become significant later.) I'm killing time until our late lunch and realize I'm getting a little sleepy, so I have a couple cups of coffee. Finally, it's time to go and I head out to a local-chain-pub type place to meet Brunhilda.

Things at lunch are going well. When the waitress asks if we want anything to drink, I convince Brunhilda that since we both have off and it's a beautiful day, why not make it a boozy lunch? A few beers later we're laughing, flirting, and having a good time. I mention something I've been working on and she says she'd like to see it. Even I can see that this is as good an opening as one gets and I propose, as casually as possible, that we could go back to mine and check it out. She agrees and it's on. I ask the waitress for the check and excuse myself to the bathroom to rid my bladder of the three or four pints I've imbibed.

In the bathroom there were two urinals. One was being used, so I approached the other and got ready for a nice relaxing piss. I was even looking forward to letting out an audible "Ahhh…" due to my semi-drunkenness and complete satisfaction with how events were unfolding. However, after just beginning to open the floodgates, it became terrifyingly clear that any further relaxation would result in me also pissing out the end normally reserved for solid material. The protein shake, coffee, beers, and fish and chips had combined in my stomach, creating a greasy, liquid mass that could not be contained much longer. So, I stood at the urinal, not peeing and waiting for the guy next to me to finish, wash his hands, and leave. As soon as he's gone I waddle from the urinal to the stall with wang out and buttocks clenched as tightly as possible. I rip my jeans down and plop onto the toilet right as a stream of what I would observe later to be greenish-brown sludge erupted from my anus. My nearly all-liquid diet of the past few hours was back with a vengeance. I was having one of those movements in which you have to do your best to control the rate at which the torrent of waste is exiting you in order to avoid massive and messy splashback. And it wouldn't stop. Every time I thought I was finished and started to get up, another spurt would warn me that I wasn't yet in the clear, and I would sit back down to wait for things to take their course.

Finally, after almost half an hour and about three courtesy flushes, I determine that it's safe to leave. The extreme relaxation I'm feeling as a result of being rid of every last ounce of waste that my body contained is tempered by my apprehension that the disgusting scent of my foulness is clinging to my clothes, because of its potency and the length of time I spent surrounded by it. I get back to the table and murmur "Sorry about that…" to a clearly displeased Brunhilda. I gather that she has already paid the check when, before I can even sit down, she abruptly asks, "Ready to go?" We left the restaurant, shared an awkward hug, and went our separate ways. I've resolved to take Immodium-AD before all dates from now on.

Matt:

Two years ago I head out to a 4th of July party at a buddies house outside of LA. I had some friends in town and proper groundwork had been laid down the night before with some local girls we met at a bar. So the party starts, the various drinking games begin, the head count swells from 20 to about 70 people and the girls from the previous night actually show up.

In truly diplomatic fashion, the 3 girls cozy up to me and two of my buddies like they planned it en route to the party. All 3 of them were cute so there we're no problems on our end. But through some stroke of luck, I got paired up with the artificially enhanced, hot skinny blonde chick named Lisa. We play flip cup, beer pong, dance, chill in the hot tub, etc. I'm feeling good about myself.

"You have any more friends?" I asked her. "Yes" Lisa says, "My old roommate lives close to here." So the old roommate shows up and she is hot. But she was wearing heels with her bikini, had a MASSIVE back tat, purple extension streaks in her hair and a general look of crazy. Whatever, not my problem. A few hours pass, the place is very crowded but my one buddy manages to secure a bedroom with his girl. I later find out that my other buddy and his girl classed it up and had sex in the bathroom.

With few options available Lisa and I decide that we're going back to her place, but since neither of us can drive we call a cab. We've been making out, touching, talking dirty, ect all day. It even got as far as me telling her I didn't have any condoms and she said, "Don't worry, I've got some at my place."

While we're waiting out front for our cab, we hear a commotion. Her crazy former roommate is shouting at some guy. Suddenly, I see a look of panic on the face of Lisa. "Oh my god, that is her crazy ex-boyfriend, why is he here?" Not thinking much of it, I try to change the subject but Lisa is clearly worried. The yelling gets louder and now people from the party hear the commotion. And like it was in slow motion, this douchebag snaps off a right cross to the crazy chicks dome. Within seconds, all hell breaks loose.

The ex-boyfriend immediately gets in his truck and peels out. The crazy ex-roommate is KO'd on the ground, total chaos. Right around this time my cab arrives. Lisa says, "I'm taking her to the hospital. Why did you make me invite her?" Cab door closed, end scene.

What followed was me giving a statement to the cops, my two buddies bragging about their exploits with the other 2 girls, my cell phone falling in the pool and my car getting a ticket for being parked in the street overnight.

PS - ex-roommate girl wound up being OK, douchebag got arrested and I haven't seen Lisa since.