Dead Letters: "Do You Know How To Read? I'm Nearly Certain That Cognition Is Beyond Your Grasp"S

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: you're an idiot...

From: Henry Sack
To: Tom Scocca

(First, I want a nickel for everyone who reads your screed and has that reaction, I'd be a bazillionaire)

Do you know how to read? I'm nearly certain that cognition is beyond your grasp but listening and reading should have been learned in grade school. Pat Knight did what few coaches have the brass to do when their players under-perform. He held them accountable to a higher, mostly forgotten standard. In subsequent articles the players, specifically the seniors, applauded their coach for riding them and admitted they deserved it. Knight is a first year coach inheriting the previous regimes leftovers. He turned them in to a winning team, mostly, and the fact that Vermont rolled him doesn't mitigate his impact. I only caught the end of the game but I heard that the Cardinals got out of sync and being a transition team had a tough time regaining their rhythm. Whatever.

You wrote, "How does a man reach the age of 41 without being willing to take responsibility for his own work? No wonder our society is such a mess. Guys like you would rather rant and rave and blame people half their age for their own failures." Did you ever play competitive sports? Do you have any idea what a coach does? Did you listen to the press conference video of him railing his team?
Clearly not. You have a comprehension problem. I'm drawn to one simple conclusion, you're a moron.

Two things remain clear. Pat Knight is good young coach. And you're a moron.

Subject: Pat Knight

From: Drew Laughlin
To: Tom Scocca

So let me get this right. You write a piece ripping pat knight about ripping his players? Doesn't that seem a little hypocritical? That's pretty fucking pathetic that his press conference worked you up to the point of writing what turns out to be an open letter to pat knight. Get a fucking life you cry baby bitch and write about something worthwhile I have no affiliations to PK or Lamar or Tech and that was the biggest waste of time in my life reading that

Subject: You must be a liberal

From: Alexander Robinson
To: Tom Scocca

So, you show how much you disapprove or displays of rage, name-calling, etc. by doing those exact same things? Nice. Sounds like every liberal hypocrite I've ever met. Don't worry, the feeling of righteous indignation you have for him will soon be replaced by righteous indignation for something else that you can be completely hypocritical about as well.

From: Tom Scocca
To: Alexander Robinson

Thanks for reading. It's not "completely hypocritical" unless Pat Knight is 20 years old and he works for me. Since he isn't and doesn't, try thinking of it as "parody" or "fighting fire with fire."

Otherwise, you're getting mad at me because you disapprove of me for getting mad at someone I disapproved of, and—aha! NOW who's the hypocrite, hmm? So let's skip that whole hall of mirrors, shall we?

From: Alexander Robinson
To: Tom Scocca

Actually, I don't give 2 shits about people getting mad and screaming at each other, especially if they are a) adults and b) lots of money is on the line. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the one being hypocritical - but good try! I give you a B-.

Subject: asshole

From: Matt Sullivan
To: Drew Magary

Fuck you Drew, nice work ruining the dadboner twitter. You've essentially rendered it worthless now, who cared if it was made up? That was probably the reason most people followed it. Guess I stopped following 2 things now, dadboner and fucking deadspin.

Subject: No one can spell Al Alburquerque's name

From: Jeff Sorenson
To: The Staff

I'm a baseball nerd. Last year while knee-deep in Excel, I found Al Alburquerque and instantly fell in love. He was a young, iffy-arm in the Tigers system destined for relief mediocrity but oh-man that name. I named my fantasy team after him. Drafted him in the last round. LOLs were had. Tigers call him up. Surprise! He's filthy.

Someone balks whether Alburquerque is correct or the NM spelling Albuquerque is the right. I don't care because the league is deep and he has a +10 k/ip ratio.

Cut to tonight and I feel like paying too much money for a bad idea — let me get a "personalized" Al Alburquerque shroud. The rest is cut/paste. I trust MLB.com, so I drop 115 buck on an official replica Alburquerque jersey. I complete the order and and then re-start the purchase so I can marvel at my CCCPesque bullshit, only to realize the effin' image reads "Alburqouerqoue" (attached). Get the fuck out. The drop down has the proper "Alburquerque," but because the image is wrong now I have to do the whole call to make sure shit isn't fucked up garbage...

Dead Letters: "Do You Know How To Read? I'm Nearly Certain That Cognition Is Beyond Your Grasp"

Nine minutes later...

From: Jeff Sorenson
To: The Staff

Now that I have looked at the image again this is just another reminder of why I regret taking all that ketamine.

/jesuschrist

Subject: Bona pride

From: Jim Gertner
To: Tim Burke

Tim,

Enjoy the tournament. The strong persist and persevere, like the St. Bonaventure family. Your attempt at sarcasm is lost in the din of well-earned celebration and acknowledgement of all things on our Good Journey. God bless.

JG

Subject: Here's a tip, idiots

From: Patrick Kimberlin
To: The Staff

I started reading Deadspin back in the days when it was really shitty (note: it's still shitty) and every other post Leitch was waxing fucking poetic about the infield fly rule. You've done a decent job of quelling the soccer problem that cropped up recently, but now you have paired my least favorite writer (Leitch) writing with one of my favorite subjects (movies). Why? Why are you letting him write 5000 words in the fifth person (seriously, it makes him sound like a child molester. It's weird and it creeps US out. And WE don't like it.) Like when he wrote that abortion of an article about how Gus Johnson is terrible. Shocker that the baseball fan hates Gus Johnson. Leitch is the Joe Buck of writing, except with less charisma. No but just keep having him shit out long, smelly articles about what makes Will Ferrell funny. People love that.

From: Barry Petchesky
To: Patrick Kimberlin

Hi! Leitch didn't write that Will Ferrell piece.

From: Patrick Kimberlin
To: Barry Petchesky

Oh, well I obviously didn't read it. I thought he and that other dude combined on those things. I still can't stand him.

Subject: Brits love wieners

From: Peter Stephens
To: Tim Burke

Do they think the humble frankfurter is beneath their refined British culinary tastes? In answer to the question, of course we think a frankfurter is below are refined tastes. It's a cheap tasteless sausage substitute which probably is not even meat. At least Marmite, bangers and mash, pickled eggs, or spotted dick have a bit of history and creativity. I think the germans would be ashamed of the frankfurter when you consider how great real german sausauges are.
American cuisine is awful.

Subject: Hacking Incident?

From: Joseph Berry
To: The Staff

It looks like someone hacked your mainpage in order to shill for their lame-ass, played out hate book about Duke.

You should check your security protocols to keep yocals like those guys from stealing your content space

Subject: interesting article, esp. the "*****" up part.

What I don't think you have factored in is that the "Great one" has purposes and abilities far beyond our

Rational understanding of life.

So what looks unfair to us, is simply outside our scope of understanding. In the end no man is condemned for

His sin, rather for not "eating of the fruit of life".

For man to have to accept his sin is really indicating that he can in no ways measure up to the "great one".

So, eat the fruit of life, it is a small price for us, but a huge price from the "great one"

Subject: Fwd: I have a tip.

From: John Mooney
To: The Staff

Over a year ago I sent the email attached below to A.J. regarding Deadspin's new layout. I found it to be shitty at the time. But I've come to appreciate it, and with modern browsers such as Chrome & Firefox I realize I was out of order. Much like a brat who complains about new Facebook or Twitter layouts only to embrace them and even prefer them later on, I was out of line telling you that your new layout "ate balls." It doesn't eat balls. There are no balls in your website's mouth.

Thanks for being entertaining, and best wishes for continued success.

PS: Nate Jackson is a turd muffin.

John

——-Original Message——-
From: A.J. Daulerio
To: jmooney24
Sent: Thu, Feb 10, 2011 6:42 pm
Subject: Re: I have a tip.

I'll forward this on to tech. Thanks for your constructive criticism. It's very helpful.

ajd

On Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 5:35 PM, wrote:
Your new layout eats balls. If your new layout were a country, it would be Haiti.

And I still can't log in dating back to you getting hacked.

Balls.

Subject: Author tries to be snarky

From: Jimmy Gardner
To: The Staff

Silly mistake by the folks on a sports blog. This writer, in trying to be snarky, looks a little foolish. Have a look for yourself. The post came down minutes later and the author walked away in shame.

Dead Letters: "Do You Know How To Read? I'm Nearly Certain That Cognition Is Beyond Your Grasp"S

[Ed. note: I pulled the post, because I'm an idiot and fucked up. Sorry.]

Notable Tweets and Deadspin staff chat messages from this afternoon

Tim B. the harvard crimson story is correct
that's the second round

Tommy Craggs: dickey
c'mon

Dom Cosentino: Harvard did lose in the second round

Subject: Bill Simmons

From: hebron76@yahoo.com
To: The Staff

hey you guys interested in a photo of the Sports Guy and his family?