Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering sports records, wizards, supervillains, and more.
I was hanging out at home yesterday when a neighbor came knocking on our door and told me that she had driven home to find that her door was wide open and that she was scared someone had broken into her house. She didn't want to check out the house by herself, so she wanted to know if I could scout it out for her.
And of course I said yes because BIG STRONG BRAVE MAN. So I went over to the house and the door was, indeed, open. Now, deep down, I was terrified that there was gonna be a burglar/rapist hanging out in that house, quietly tapping a serrated knife against a radiator, hoping for some dummy to walk in so he could butt-stab them. But again, I couldn't pussy out because I had already volunteered to help out, AND I had already made it seem like it was no big deal. "What's that? Check your house for intruders? You bet. Probably nothing. No problem at all."
So I walk in and I immediately scream out HELLO! because I'm hoping the burglar will be startled and trip over a shoebox and fall to his death at the sound of my manly voice. Also, I felt like talking real loud because I wanted company. I walked in and kept looking around because I didn't want the burglar to pop out of the closet and strangle me, because burglars do that kind of thing. And I kept SCREAMING out "Hello!" to make sure the coast was clear. They had a basement, but no fucking way I was going down there. Way too scary. I yelled a few more times and then I had all the confirmation I needed: NO TERORRIST KIDNAPPER AX MURDERERS. I told my neighbor and she thanked me profusely and I was like, "No worries. BEING A HERO JUST COMES NATURALLY TO PEOPLE LIKE ME."
I've spent the past week wondering how I would have reacted if there actually had been someone there, trying to loot my neighbor's TV. I think I would have sprinted right out of the house with a hearty trail of diarrhea following behind me. Now ... your letters:
Shouldn't we start including Arizona in the state Ohio or Florida game for horrible news stories? It seems like everything I read about Arizona is just bat-shit insane. Man creates fake porn site profile to slander local principal? Crazy cat lady breeding cats to eat them? All Arizona!
That may be, but Florida had the naked face-eating zombie attack, which I believe puts Florida in a class by itself now. Florida deserves its own game. You can just link to that story and say FLORIDA and people will know that they're about to enter a gateway into the darkest side of human nature. Then you can make Ohio or Arizona a secondary game for stories that range from batshit insane to white trash whimsy. In fact, let's go ahead right now and rank the ten most insane states in the entire country.
1. Florida. Again, it has naked zombies.
2. Arizona. I'm putting Arizona above Ohio because of the heat and because of the state's large assortment of elderly nudist colonies. Also, people in Arizona like to shoot other people.
3. Ohio. "Police said the gunman was upset that his family had given his cancer-stricken wife tea and toast after he had already peeled an orange for her."
Do not give Ohioans tea and toast.
4. Utah. It's important to note that the border between Utah and Arizona contains far more dangers than the actual US border. Have your car break down in Southern Utah and you will quickly be kidnapped and forced to marry six old white guys.
5. Mississippi/Alabama. I feel like these two should just be one state. One big, horrible, racist state where men have disturbingly immobile haircuts.
6. California, which probably contains more nutjobs than all other states combined. I've driven past Bakersfield. It looks like The Book of Eli.
7. West Fucking Virginia.
8. Maine. I went to college in Maine. The coast is beautiful. The inside of the state is the Bermuda Triangle. Maine is the kind of state where you can walk past an old house and there will be an eighty-year-old woman standing on the porch, staring at you and sharpening a knife the whole time. It's a creepy as shit state.
9. Alaska. You don't live in Alaska unless you burned bridges back in the continental US.
10. Louisiana. I asked Spencer Hall, a native of the South, to help me choose between Louisiana and Tennessee for the final slot in this list.
On an absolute level, Louisiana. Tennessee is sneaky. They want you to think they're sane, and then they have the Scopes Trial and put an elephant on trial for murder and try to hang it. And I'm not even including Memphis here. BUT Louisiana's resume is unfuckwithable. David Vitter openly admitted to diaper play with prostitutes, and he's STILL elected. They had a guy run for office under the legal name "Albert Super Nigger Jones." I can keep going: The legal system isn't even American, weird holidays no one else has, burning oil derricks and pipes everywhere like it's the set of Lost, everyone carries guns, every politician is literally in jail, voodoo, astonishing levels of crime in a system with for-profit prisons, airboats, alligator hunting, a climate no one should even be alive in, much less live in, and everyone acts like it's TOTALLY NORMAL.
I watched someone crash a fucking truck into a ditch at the LSU/UF game in 2009 to make the stadium on time.
I don't know how that improves your arrival time, but that's Louisiana for you. Spencer demanded that Louisiana make the top 5, so feel free to switch with Utah if you're playing at home. Please note that Albert Super Nigger Jones came in third in his election, which is too bad. By the way, I liked this line from the report about the nude zombie attack:
One officer told Miami television station WSVN the attacker had likely taken a new potent form of LSD.
Are we sure that "potent" is the correct word there? Wouldn't "contaminated" or "distressingly bad batch" be a better way of putting it? "Potent" almost makes it sounds like a selling point. TAKE THIS AND YOU'LL BECOME A DAYWALKER! KEWL!
Right after I took this picture he threw a giant wad of trash onto the road
Of course he did.
I have this theory that at least 73% of the inhabitants of Eastern Europe "know" a wizard, and of the 73% of wizard believers, at least 43%, think that a wizard lives on top of, or near, the tallest geographic area they can see from their kitchen window.
But what about vampires and the undead? Eastern Europe is, after all, the home of vampires and cursed gypsy caravans. If you live in a very small Romanian town and there's a black castle with 80-foot spires perched on a mountain overhang outside your window, you're far more apt to believe that DRAGOOL resides there.
I went to Hungary once with my family. We went to a festival in a city called Szeged and there was a metal band playing on the main stage. The band played their hit song first and everyone cheered. But every time they tried to play some other song, the crowd would boo and they would stop and play their one good song again. This went on for, like, an hour. Eastern Europe is the Florida of continental regions.
When does a handjob become a blowjob, if both the mouth and hand are used? Where is the bright line, distinguishing one from the other? I need consensus for bragging purposes.
The second someone else's mouth touches your penis, you've received a blowjob. Congrats! Be sure to have a commemorative t-shirt printed.
Say a guy (named Drew) had an old girlfriend (Wanda) who is now a lesbian, but they remain good friends. Years later, when Drew is married to a different girl, Wanda asks to use Drew's sperm to create a child for Wanda and her partner, via artificial means of course (Meaning a Hustler and a cup, no freaky three way). Do you think this would be a chill, friendly thing to do, or would the fiance have a right to get pissed because another woman was carrying Drew's child?
You cannot impregnate another woman without your wife/fiance's consent. She has every right to be hesitant when it comes to such matters, even if you're doing a friend a favor. Because if Drew remains friends with Wanda after the baby is delivered, that means he'll have another child that he regularly sees outside of the family he would presumably have with his own wife, and that would be fucking WEIRD. Are we sure this isn't a Jennifer Lopez movie already? Don't do this.
My friend made this about 5 years ago for our Canadian friend. It's, like, a metaphor.
But a very subtle one.
Which of the following is LESS likely to occur:
1. A week before the Super Bowl, the best player on one of the Super Bowl teams is kidnapped and secretly held hostage without being returned prior to kickoff...
2. A former NFL player blows a potential game-winning Super Bowl play for his team, is vilified by said team's fan base, and ultimately escapes the spotlight by successfully faking his death and getting a sex change?
By now, you surely realize I am talking about the plot of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. My friend and I watched it last night and had an hour long debate on this subject.
But Einhorn didn't get a sex change, right? She just tucked her dong between her legs and went about her business as a cross dresser. That was the whole CAPTAIN WINKY reveal at the end, right?
Anyway, assuming no sex change, I think pulling an Einhorn would be the more unlikely scenario, if only because it would be awfully hard for a Super Bowl goat, in this day and age, to successfully fake his own death, dress as a woman, AND rise to the rank of Police chief without a soul noticing. Maybe if the goat in question moved to Maine and tried to live as a woman, it might work. But Miami chief of police? BULLSHIT. Much easier to kidnap the star QB.
There were a couple of other things in that movie that I thought about long after watching it. First off, no one made a big deal about the Dolphins getting a home game for the Super Bowl. That's never happened! I feel like someone should have pointed out the team's good fortune. Also, I wonder if the other Dolphins got mad at the end when the stadium announcer declared Marino the team's most valuable player. Bernie Parmalee might have groused about that.
Suppose everyone had a timer above their head that stated when you last masturbated. How would this affect everyone? No more mid work fap sessions for anyone, since you can't see the boss with a big :01 over your head. Would you change your fap schedule at all? Could society handle this knowledge? I believe I would eventually say "fuck it" and let everyone know I just beat my meat two minutes before grandma's funeral.
The worst part would be having to explain the timer to my children.
KID: What's that clock?
ME: Uh... It's MAGIC!
Then they'd finally realize what it's for and never speak to me again. Lives would be ruined by a public fap timer. Also, no one would go near any man who had a timer of 24:00 or more above his head. You know you're dealing with a loaded weapon at that point.
If your wife is pregnant and she's going down on you and swallows your man jam, does the kid end up eating it? I mean, it'd be broken up probably and digested like all other food but still, there's elements of sperm in that right?
Also, would that be considered cannibalism?
Babies don't really "eat" while in utero. They take in amniotic fluid through the mouth and pass it back out, but they take all nutrients and oxygen for growth from the placenta through the umbilical cord. What they ingest is so far removed from whatever the mother ate that it would be hard to say there are "elements" of jizz contained in it. Also, it would NOT make your baby gay, so please take note if you're a resident of North Carolina who worries about such things.
However, they do say that what a mother eats affects her breast milk, so perhaps a bit of sperm flavoring would be introduced to a nursing child in that scenario. In which case, your child IS TOTALLY GIVING YOU HEAD. Now go worry about that for hours.
Check out this beauty of a reply we got for our Craigslist Ad about the open bedroom for rent.
I picture the consecutive question scene from Uncle Buck occurring every Saturday morning.
I like that she threw in the "I'm a five-star hooker" thing at the end. I love Chicago and I won't flake on the rent I'm very clean and ohyeahi'manescort.
What do you think is the most money a celebrity has spent on entertainment in one 24-hour period? It's gotta be over a million right?
Far more. The Sultan of Brunei once threw a 50th birthday party that cost $26.2 million, and that price tag probably didn't even include the money he spent to kidnap American beauty pageant contestants and fly them over to serve as his involuntary sex slaves. I have no price tag for Montgomery Brewster's final party before his inheritance deadline, but I assume it's not close to that.
And don't forget about gambling. If you count gambling as entertainment (and I do), then there have almost certainly been instances of famous people like Michael Jordan dropping millions in a single night. Knowing Jordan, he probably phoned in all his bad gambling decisions from a golf course while simultaneously losing a bet AT that golf course.
Would you rather A) Watch your parents have sex every day for a year on closed-circuit TV, or B) Watch your parents have sex once while in the same room, but you must maintain eye contact with one of them the whole time?
I guess the latter, since I'd be getting it over with quicker. And you'd have pick your old man to look in the eye over your mom. That's just common sense. Never look your mother in the eye when she's getting laid.
If you were suddenly transported back 1000 years, do you understand current technology and knowledge enough to be able to recreate any of it, or convince anyone of its truth?
After 10 minutes of thought I think I'm limited to drawing a picture of a bike and showing it to a blacksmith. I could also recreate some famous experiments like Galileo's balls thing or Pasteur's food thing. I know so little about those, though, that I don't think I could convince anyone of their conclusions even if they saw the successful experiments. Despite having a 1,000-year knowledge advantage, inventing the bike and being a hit at parties with my static electricity (wouldn't even attempt to try to explain this) games are the only things I could do. This is depressing.
Not only would I be personally unable to recreate any facet of modern life for people back then, but I wouldn't even be able to communicate modern ideas to people because I speak Modern English and people back then did not. Ever take a look at the original text to "Beowulf"? That's old English. It may as well be in fucking Chinese. I read "The Canterbury Tales" once and even though the teacher insisted I not read a translation, I ignored him and bought one anyway. I got a C. It was worth it. So you would have to learn the language before even being able to tell people who you are and where you're from and teach the local lutist all the chords to "Songs for The Deaf." By then, they'd have burned you at the stake for being a witch anyway.
I was thinking that I'd maybe have a chance to make my chili for people back then but that was even before spices. Back then, you ate boiled meat and seasoned it with human saliva. I'd be useless.
How sick would it be to get some badass evil villain costumes and basically just be an evil villain in real life? You could tramp around causing mayhem and messing stuff up. Tripping the elderly as they try to walk around, smacking ice cream cones out of children's hands, and standing in the doorway to a subway train so all of the passengers would have to wait. It would be the best.
Ah, but you're clearly unfamiliar with real-life "supervillain" REX VELVET. If I were Rex Velvet, I would spend all day stealing bread crusts from the Cosi bread crust bowl, and I'd steal French fries from any restaurant diner sitting outside al fresco. I've always wanted to do that, and I bet I could if I were Rex Velvet.
If you could hold any sporting record, which would you choose? I talked this over with my dad, and we both thought of most home runs of all time first. Some other ones that came to mind were surpassing Wilt's 100 points, whatever the most prestigious soccer record might be (if you want the rest of the world to care about you), or a world record 100m dash in the Olympics. Personally, I would take Jack Nicklaus's record of most golf majors won. So is there one correct answer, and if so what is it?
Obviously, it's a matter of taste. I assume this is a record that you would hold in perpetuity, since otherwise you'd probably take the record that would be impossible for someone else to break (MLB career wins, for example). You would want to hold a record that is A.) more impressive than other records; B.) fun to accomplish; C.) says something cool about you. That's why the home run record used to be such a big deal. It's not simply that amassing so many home runs is hard, it's what hitting lots of home runs says about YOU as a person. You are big. You are strong. You have a HUGE dick. You are able to accomplish, with relative ease, something other men have a very hard time doing once.
I never hit a home run when I was a kid. Not in baseball. Not in teeball. Not in club softball. Not in wiffle ball. Never. And whenever I saw some other kid bash a home run out of the park, I was AWED. I legitimately thought more highly of them because they were able to do that. So that kind of irrational mentality is why the home run record is so tempting, even more so than the consecutive hits record. Here are a few more tempting records to choose from:
• Home run title
• Most championships won as an NFL QB
• Most career NBA MVP awards
• Career rushing TDs/receiving TDs/passing TDs
• Sacks (single season)
• Most career coaching wins (NFL or college football or college basketball)
• Major wins (golf)
• Major wins (tennis)
• World's fastest man
• Most career Olympic gold medals
• World's strongest man
• Career strikeouts or no hitters
• Iron Man streak (baseball or NFL)
• Most points in one game (NBA)
• Career hits (MLB)
• Most Tour de France victories
Since Barry Bonds ruined both big home run records, I'm not sure they hold the allure they once did. It would be tempting to go for the "world's fastest man" title, but that's over in nine seconds. It would be much more fun to win 20 majors and have people drooling at your feet for the two decades you took to get it done. Plus, you'd get to experience hitting one fabulous golf shot after another, a feeling akin to hitting a home run (even though it's way less impressive because no one is throwing the ball at you). The only drawback to breaking the majors record is that golf is, in many ways, a lame sport. No one thinks you're a macho man just because you won the British Open. AMIRITE, BEN CURTIS?! I'll take five Super Bowl victories and the collective gushing of both ESPN commentators and Brazilian models, thank you.
A homicidal madman is threatening to kill you and your family unless you cook and eat your own leg. How would you serve yourself?
I think a slow braise would be in order. Chop off my leg, sear it, add some chopped onions and carrots and butter and red wine, then reduce it, and then in the oven it goes. BOOM. Dinner for the whole family.
I'd also accept having my leg made into sausage, though I would ask someone else to do the grinding.
Email of the week time.
I'm a big Jets fan and I was pretty surprised that they took Quinton Coples with so many other pass rushing prospects on the board, but then again what the fuck do I know about football. The point is I was really drunk and decided to take this personally and started ranting to everyone about how the Jets had blown the draft pick like everything else they put their hands on.
Anyway, I left my friends draft party and went home to find my girlfriend eating McDonalds on my stoop. We hung out while I ranted about Quinton Coples (she does not give a shit about football, so the fact that she let me go on for so long is pretty sweet of her), had consensual sex and went to sleep. The next morning we woke up and started doing it again. Now picture this, shit's getting intense, we're rounding the track, then suddenly she pulls my head down and whispers in my ear in the dirtiest phone sex voice I've ever heard, "Quinton FUCKING Coples."
BAM. Splooged everywhere. Like a lot. Way more than usual even.