Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
My junior year at Mizzou I had met this girl in my psych class, Jen. Jen was stunning; extremely good looking, had some womanly curves, down-to-earth, the whole package. I do need to mention that I have asthma, and at the time brought my inhaler with me everywhere. So one day after class Jen approaches me and asks if I'd like to get coffee with her. I said sure, and we went to Starbucks and talked for a few hours. She mentioned that her roommate's boyfriend (total hipster) was having a party that Thursday night and that I should come.
Thursday rolls by, and I meet up with her at the party. She kept mentioning how drunk she was but she didn't seem drunk at all. I got sucked into playing a game of beer pong with this hipster guy who didn't have a partner, all the while keeping an eye on Jen to make sure she didn't bounce. Of course, this guy and I end up winning 5 or 6 games in a row and my innate competitiveness made it extremely hard for me to leave the table. In the middle of the 7th game I catch Jen wandering off, so I quickly say I need to go to the bathroom. I run up to Jen and she begins furiously making out with me. She pulls me into a closet and shuts the door. Pitch black. Both shit-housed.
She starts kissing my neck with her hands on my shoulders. Then her hands start to go down to my jeans. Then she starts rubbing, except she wasn't rubbing my dick; she was rubbing my inhaler which was in my pocket. Before I could adjust slightly to move my dick in the spot where my inhaler was, she drops to her knees and puts her mouth up and down my inhaler as if she's nibbling at it, trying to be all sexy. Just as she grabs my belt buckle she stands up and says "I will be right back."
She never came back. I stood there in the closet by myself for what felt like an eternity. Turns out she yacked and passed out. Next class she apologized and said how embarrassed she was. After that semester I never spoke to her again. Every time I think of this story I get a bittersweet feeling, laughing to myself but also lamenting that the closest anyone/anything got to Jen's vagina was my albuterol prescription.
It was May 2007 and I had just graduated high school, and as such a lot of my friends were throwing graduation parties. One of these friends was a girl I knew from middle school named Ellen whose Mom had not only rented out a hotel ballroom for her party, but also bought us a hotel room for post-party festivities (good form!). Emily somehow got a hold of a duffle bag full of beer and a handle of rum for the after party, which was more than enough for a bunch of 17/18 year olds with low alcohol tolerance to have a grand old time. After the ballroom festivities had ended, we all ventured up the hotel room for some good old fashioned underage drinking. I didn't know anyone at the party except for Ellen, so I decided to liquor myself up to make some new friends. I had no intention of meeting any new ladyfriends at this shindig, and I had been consistently hooking up (re: making out and fondling my junk on the back of the bus to track meets) with my prom date, Sara, for the past few months. I was a virgin and figured Sara could get my virgin rocks off before I left for college, and although we never had any sort of exclusivity agreement, I didn't want to do anything to compromise that possibility.
As I was lounging on the hotel room sofa in a bathrobe, my friend Ellen comes up to me and informs me that one of her friends, Haley, a cute blonde, thought I was cute and wanted to talk to me. I saw no harm in talking to Haley, so I went over and made awkward small talk about the music that was playing. After a few more shots, Haley was getting closer and was clearly interested. The old me that decided I wasn't going to make any new ladyfriends at this party had been drowned out by Mickey's and Seagram's, and after about a half hour of dancing/making out, Haley and I are in the hotel bathroom, on the floor in our underwear going at it. Drunk me decided that there was no way Sara would ever find out about this, since I didn't know anyone at this party, so naturally neither would she. After some half-naked heavy petting, Haley tosses a condom on the floor and whispers "Whenever you're ready." Being that I was an drunk, awkward 17 year old, I let it slip to Haley that I was a virgin and had never done this before. She seemed shocked and a little weirded out, and decided that she didn't want to be someone's first, but offered to give me a blowjob instead. I of course obliged (I hadn't gotten head at that point, either), but as she was lowering her head to service me, she looks up and asks "Do you respect me? Like as a person?" I answered yes in an effort to get her to continue with the festivities, but she responded "Well I just don't think you respect me, since you're letting me blow you in a hotel bathroom." She decided not to give me head, got dressed, and left the hotel bathroom. After receiving lots of awkward stares from the party guests for taking up the bathroom for the better part of an hour, I decided to split, leaving with the bluest of the balls.
The icing on the cake is that a few weeks later, I received some very drunk/angry texts and phone calls from Sara about hooking up with Haley. She had somehow found out about my extracurricular activities that night, and decided to never see me again. I had grounded out into a self-cockblock double play, and my luck wouldn't get any better that summer. Thank the lord for college.
It was fall of my freshman year at a small PA state school called Bloomsburg University. As any freshman does I was going out every weekend with the mindset to bring a girl back to my bed. One night I went to a frat and I saw a girl from one my classes who never talked but once she had a little alcohol in her she did not shut up, her name was Anne.
As the night goes on this girl won't leave my side and shes talking my ear off so I asked her the question like every other college kid would do if she's trying to go to back to my dorm and of course she answered yes. 30 minutes and a five more shots of Bankers club, cheap vodka, we leave I can barely stand and this girl is helping me walk back to my dorm. As soon as we get into to my dorm we wasted no time and we got right into my bed, which was elevated. So getting into this bed was always a struggle. After a couple tries of getting into my bed I finally made into the damn thing and we start going at it. One thing leads to another and she's blowing me then all of the sudden all the shit starts to catch up to me and I get a serious case of the spins and at this point I feel like Im on one of those gravitron space ships that you see at county fairs that keep you pinned against the wall spinning around at high speeds .
So I'm laying there hold on to the sides of my bed trying to gain some sense of balance but as we all know this did not work and I could just feel my stomach rising. I knew this was a bad sign but I thought I could tough this one out and did I think wrong. One minute later I pushed the girl off of me hopped out of my bed and took off for the bathroom failing only to make it right out of my room and began blowing chunks in the hallway. After a little I finally made it to the bathroom and was able to clean my self up come back to the room and the girl, Anne, is just sitting there looking at me with "what the F**k" face. So I looked back at her asked her if she was going and she replied with a pissed off "what do you think".
After she left I sat down for a little to try and regain my composure and little did I know I ended up passing out in the chair I was sitting in. Later my roommate comes in and finds me passed out and laughs then a little later he hears a knock at the door and it was the girl, Anne, and one of her friends. Apparently she had lost her ID in my bed. As Anne and her friend searched for ID she looked at me passed out and just shook her head and after a good five minutes of tearing my room to shit she leaves. I wake up the next morning in this chair look around and she had taken all my sheets and my mattress off my bed and left them in the middle of the room. Later that day I ended up finding her ID and as payback for leaving my room a shit hole I treated my friend and I to lunch at the most expensive place on campus then gave her ID back to her. Later that day I called her to let her know I had found her ID and she came over and took it back. After that whole little debacle I never saw Anne again.