Piss Cannons And Scrotum-Seeking Dogs: Poland Is READY For Euro 2012

We already dealt with the possibility of trouble inside the stadiums at the European Championship, starting tomorrow. But what about non-matchdays? It's one solid month of foreigners, drunk and nationalistic, roaming an unfamiliar country. Some countries (England) have a reputation for traveling in numbers, and traveling belligerently. Some countries (England) are going to flame out of the tournament, leading to a lot of angry fans. Are the Eastern European host nations prepared for the shitshow?

You better fucking believe Poland is ready. Poland has dealt with foreign invasions for hundreds of years, and damned if they're going to roll over once again. The English-language Krakow Post has put together a helpful list of 10 tips for staying out of trouble. There are basic things—don't jaywalk, stamp your ticket on buses and trams—but then the unsigned editorial gets feisty:

The Polish police are going to come down on troublemakers like a bag full of anvils, and you don't want to be there when it happens. Krakow has a long history of hooligan violence – the local police have seen it all before and they will ruin your day if you try it on. These lads' mums and dads rioted under Soviet machine guns – a few chairs thrown by beered-up fans is not going to intimidate them. Do not expect softly-softly police tactics.

Oh shit. No more Mr. Softly-Softly. Here's what Polish anti-hooligan police have in their arsenal:

Shotguns firing baton rounds that probably won't kill you as long as you're 30m away,

A truck-mounted water cannon affectionately known as the ‘Typhoon,'

A high-tech sonic cannon that can make you wet yourself on its lowest setting,

Dogs trained to bite you directly in the testicles,

9mm handguns loaded with live ammo.

Better pray for the handguns first, so you're not still conscious when they make you pee yourself and then the dogs bite your pee-soaked loins.

[ Krakow Post, via NYDN]