Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Mass Fight TAXI Driver Punches Passenger." Tonight's commentator: Atlantic City's @JitneyGuy, who cruises the seaside resort with a motto of "You Drink, I Drive! For Atlantic City visitors: Followers Ride Free!"
This week's entry is not really a "fight" in the traditional sense. It's actually a cell phone video of the typical finish to a taxi cab ride in Glasgow, Scotland. Now, American and Egyptian viewers may be shocked to see how cab drivers routinely interact with their passengers in Scotland but rest assured, this is to be expected each and every time you hail a cab in the Land of Braveheart and Single Malt.
At the end of a cab ride, which usually terminates 2 miles (45 kilometers) away from the requested destination, the cab driver and passengers all tumble out of the vehicle and proceed to exchange blows. Any random passersby are expected to jump into the fray by tackling, punching or kicking the closest participant. Traditional gender roles are ignored as both men and women get their licks in.
When the cab driver feels he has been sufficiently compensated, he gets back in his taxi and departs.
Now, that's when at least one passenger partially disrobes and attempts to punch the windshield of the moving vehicle. He is subsequently flung to the ground. Shocker. To close out the transaction, this passenger gets up and chases after the cab in the rhythmic manner of a Triple Jumper springing down the lane in a Special Olympics track-and-field event.
Don't think it's just a foreign thing, people.
As an Atlantic City jitney driver, I am starting to see this happen more frequently in my hometown, albeit with a slight variation.
As everyone knows, cab drivers are the dregs of third world prisons and engineering schools. They are universally hated due to their ungodly filth, epic rudeness and lack of air conditioning.
Usually prostitutes, johns, and junkies will exit a cab only after punching, choking, and/or robbing the cabbie. But here in America, they keep it inside the cab, so as not to disturb the homeless people sleeping on the sidewalk.
Jitney drivers, on the other hand, are the super heroes of public transportation. We drive glamorous mini-buses that move people around the casino district. As owner-operators, we maintain very high standards regarding personal grooming, vehicle maintenance and sarcasm.
Jitney drivers and cabbies compete for the privilege of moving grannies and trannies around town so we naturally hate each other with the white hot hatred of a thousand suns.
Allow me to share a story: I recently witnessed the aftermath of a two-girl extravaganza gone wrong for a hapless escort service customer. Seems he could not complete his transaction, so to speak, and asked for his money back. When the ladies refused, he got slightly violent in a pro athlete kind of way. The girls somehow escaped the hotel room; ran outside and jumped in my Jitney.
Since they neglected to tell me what had gone down (get it?), I kindly picked up their pursuer after he chased my bus on foot for two city blocks. As soon as he got on, he commenced to hitting both hookers with a rolled up Philadelphia Daily News like they were dogs who just shat on the kitchen floor.
How does this tie into that whole Scotland fight? Well, it took me about two minutes to wrestle the man off my bus and depart with the hookers. To my dismay, they slipped out at the next red light without paying the fare. I then noticed their dissatisfied customer was running after them like they stole something (his manhood).
Thinking quickly, the girls jumped into the nearest taxi and literally yelled "Step on it!" The john, believing he was in an action movie and not a comedy, jumped onto the hood of the cab in a heroic attempt to stop a car which had not yet begun to move since the light was still red. (Of course I took a picture of it. How couldn't I?)
This is the crazy part: Against all odds, the cabbie did the sensible thing! He put the car in park and called the police. I would be remiss if i didn't mention that the hookers both repeatedly punched the cabbie's protective screen behind his head order to get him moving.
By the time police arrived and sorted everything out, I had completed my route and had come back to pick up the hookers along with two blackjack dealers from Bangladesh. Of course, I made the hookers pay double so I could recover my lost fares from earlier. And that's when I got the details of this story...straight from the whore's mouth!
When my shift was over, I went home and reflected on my hatred of cab drivers. But I also remembered, there but for the grace of God go I. If it weren't for my Ivy League degree, I could have easily ended up in the wrong seat of a cab. Or worse, I could have been a limo driver.
The moral of the story is: Anyone who drives people around for money — in Scotland, in Atlantic City, anywhere — is at risk of getting his ass kicked at any given time.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Well lookie here, a TNF from last week done got picked up on the old TV news n'shit. And, Len Besthoff's getting all judgey preachey like it's offensive and whatnot. Clearly, Master Besthoff didn't meet Frying Pan Boy a week earlier. Street fighters who lack a moral compass FTW! (Start of Violence, 0:16)
• This dispatch comes from the parking lot of Woody's on Brunette, a "pub by day, club by night" in Coquitlam, British Columbia. It is a slow build, but when these "two drunk fat idiots" get to throwing, the march toward a Spinksian KO is on. (SoV, 2:45)
• Yeah, man, it's White Boy Day. (SoV, 0:20)
• Suppose this is what a Finishing School kick-in ceremony looks like. (SoV, instantly)
• Your "Guy Gets Extreme Knocked Out by Bouncer" Intermission:
• From the streets of Philadelphia: "Ayo, Check Out This So-Called ‘Frankford Fight'" (SoV, 0:10). Bonus coverage: K&A "fight over high school uniforms." Bonus Coverage 2: "Southwest Philly Fight Pt. 1 and 2.
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "In Which We Revisit Possibly The Most Shocking And Abominable Fight Between Seven-Year-Olds Ever" (SoV, instantly)
• TNF Cross-Promotion Time! Check out Gawker's "How To Defend Yourself Effectively During A Trashy-Ass Times Square Crutch Fight." It good.