Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I went to a conservative Christian college out in West Texas. Drinking and pre-marital sex were not only prohibited, they'd throw you out of school if you got caught. As a matter of fact, several friends of mine that knocked up their girl friends had to marry them or leave school, which was bad enough for the guy, but the poor girl had no choice but to leave until the baby came. This happened often for one simple fact about sex at my college: Birth control was outlawed because hey, you aren't supposed to be having sex so why would you need condoms? There was this unwritten lie we told ourselves, "We didn't mean to have sex, it just happened". Hence the fact that for a Christian University, we had way too many babies out of wedlock.
The bars in that town closed at midnight and the campus police would troll them looking for students which meant we had to do our partying out in the country. I had just been unceremoniously dumped by my long time girlfriend because she was elected chaplain of her sorority and the guilt about our sex life finally got to her. As I mentioned, we weren't allowed to drink at this school so we had to hit the dirt roads outside of town, which is what the four of us did. Two guys and two girls, a case of beer and the backroads of West Texas.
When we get to the river, the first thing out of my date's mouth when we stopped was, "Just so you know, I have a serious boyfriend, so don't get any ideas". Well, as any true gentleman would do, I thought to myself, we'll just see what the beer has to say about it. And like clockwork an hour later and several beers in, my buddy and his girl go walking into the woods. My date has a sudden change of heart and it is ON, foreplay to the extreme. I'm preparing to seal the deal when I hear this faint ring tone coming from the cab of my truck—yeah, like I'm gonna answer that at this point.
About that time, the song on the CD finishes and she hears the phone and it's hers. Now remember this is late at night, which means it has to be the boyfriend right? Nope, it was worse. It was a phone tree message (basically a recorded message for you unchurched heathens) from her home church in Dallas reminding her of the potluck supper the following day after services. She never says one word, she simply puts herself back together, buttons and zips everything, sits in the truck, calls her boyfriend and then when my buddy came back, we all drove back to town in dead silence and I never saw her again.
On a follow-up note: This girl ended up marrying a youth minister, has 4 kids and they are living in Central Texas. Oh the boyfriend in Dallas played several years for the Dallas Cowboys and is now a broadcaster on Fox. Yeah, she was probably out of my league. But hey, in a round-about-way, I made out with a Hall of Fame QB.
So I'm back in my hometown for a weekend before I head on vacation. I get in touch with one of my buddies and we decide to head out for the night. We decide we'll pregame at his place then head to a local bar to meet up with his aunt (who is just six years older than us) and her recently divorced (and attractive) friend, Katie, and see some band play. I had partied with his aunt before and she liked to booze heavy, so I figured her friend would be the same way.
We get to the bar and the band consisted of one guy on acoustic guitar and a female lead singer belting out every late 80s - early 90s song that could showcase her voice. We sit at the table closest to the stage and start drinking very heavy and Katie is digging this band. After she sings every word to some Alannis Morissette song, she decides her bra is uncomfortable and takes it off without removing her top and puts it in her purse. She then asks me and my buddy if we can see her nipples through her shirt. I took this as my opportunity to strike. I went up to the band and requested Linger by the Cranberries, thinking Katie will dig my choice of early 90s/girl lead singer/slow dance song. She can't believe that I requested one of her favorite songs and we are on the dance floor getting close. After another round of shots, she grabs my hand and drags me to the upstairs dance floor where there is a DJ and loud hip hop music.
She is loving my white guy attempt at doing the Wobble and we start sloppily making out on the dance floor. After 5 or 10 minutes of this, she whispers in my ear that we should head back to her place. She pulls me off the dance floor to head back downstairs while the DJ is smiling at me and giving me the thumbs up. We get back downstairs and she tells her friend that me and her will be headed back to her place right after she heads outside to smoke a cigarette. My buddy and his aunt are giving me props inside, when some guy comes running in from the patio and asks for Katie's friend to come outside. Apparently, Katie got a call that one of her close family members had passed away and she was crying hysterically on the phone. The two girls immediately leave and my buddy and I are left sitting there half pissed off and half laughing at my quick change of fortune. We proceed to get hammered drunk before we roll bounce back to his place. I woke up the next morning on his couch next to his dog, with Linger by the Cranberries stuck in my head, and the taste of cigarette smoke in my mouth.
God, I hate that song.
My buddy from work and I had the day off and my girlfriend and I had just recently broken up, so we decided to meet up downtown for some day drinking prior to the 3:10 Dbacks - Padres midweek get away game. He asked if it was cool to bring a couple friends and had no problem with it. The more the merrier.
I'm already downtown and - in my fragile, broken-hearted state - halfway drunk thanks to pregaming the pregame, when my buddy comes off the train with two ladies. I am a couple years out of school, but he is younger than me and has brought some lovely ASU girls to accompany us on our adventure. Good work, buddy. He seems to be already paired up with one of the girls, so I go right ahead and start gaming the other, Ashlii. While this should have been a sign (you NEVER get after a girl with double-vowels in her name), I just assumed her name was spelled like a normal Ashley. She was cute enough, so away we went.
We went bar hopping at various spots downtown with our newly minted 21 year olds and had ourselves a great time. Due to my pregaming of the pregame, I am relatively smashed, as are the lighter weight ladies and my not so professionally drinking wing man. We walk in the stadium and straight ahead to the beer (maybe margarita?) stand and get loaded up before taking the main escalator up to the next concourse. Being that it was a 3:10, midweek game, and we didn't show up until the 4th because we were too busy getting smashed, the escalator was empty behind us. Just a few folks ahead of us, with security and random fans walking around the concourse. I'm the last one on the escalator.
Right as we're getting to the top of the escalator, drunk ass Ashlii decides she needs something out of her purse and swings her big bag around her and into me. Being that I'm trying to get smashed, I'm just standing on the escalator drinking my drink, not holding the hand rail. I still remember it in slow motion. Falling backward, reaching for the rail with my free hand, missing the rail, trying to save the drink in my occupied hand. Down I went. Down the whole escalator on my back. Every person within 100 yards froze. As I gathered myself, I realized that I had somehow saved nearly my entire drink, so I did what anyone would do - sat down on the next escalator step and started drinking while I rode safely to the top. The few dozen folks who witnessed this spectacle exploded with cheering and gave me a standing ovation. I was ABSOLUTELY shredded, particularly my back, and had a little cut on my head, but otherwise made it out unscathed. Couldn't be happier I was wasted and Gumby'ed out at that point, or it probably would have resulted in some broken bones. Or maybe a "Fan Dies at Dbacks Game" headline on the WWL.
To make it a bit shorter, we kept drinking, and ended up at the bars again that night. To my surprise, Ashlii was doing the hand holding, push me up against the wall and makeout thing all over downtown. I could not decide if these were just niceties for knocking me down an escalator, or if bigger things were coming at the end of the night, but in my drunken state I obviously assumed either way I was getting action. We finally decide to take the party home and my buddy leans in and tells me, "She said she isn't going to hookup with you because you're so drunk you fell down the escalator." Yeah. Fell. My. Ass. After being pissed and in pain for a couple days, I eventually had a good laugh (I did get a standing ovation, after all) and decided to call security at the park to see if I could get the camera footage. The guy started laughing and thanked me for keeping the staff entertained over the last couple days, but informed me he could not give me the tape. I assume I will someday find it on youtube. I look forward to it.
NEVER trust a girl with double vowels in her name. My back permanently looks like I got raped by a badger, and now when I get introduced to my buddy's other friends here and there I get the, "Ohhhh youuuu're the one who fell down the escalator!"