Dead Letters: We Have Found America's Most Insufferable Patriots FanS

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Its Muzz from Woburn responding to your rant about me

From: Muzz from Woburn
To: Drew Magary

First off, my condolences to you for A) not having a winning football team, and B) picking an argument with someone much smarter than yourself. This is going to be cerebral rape and pillage. Down to business….

You say you would "kill" for two conference titles. First of all I don't think that's true because you're an editor for deadspin and have the upper body of the Pillsbury Doughboy so I doubt you'd have the fortitude or strength to kill anybody. Even if this was true that would be extremely pathetic. I don't know which team you root for but Patriots fans or the Patriots themselves, for that matter, do not celebrate, 2nd best or division titles. The point of the season is to win the Super Bowl. I know this doesn't make sense to you because you probably kept all of your 3rd place trophies and participation awards from when you were a kid.

As a Pats fan I am fortunate enough to root for one of the 5 best quarterbacks of all time. When you're lucky enough to have this happen to you, you need to make sure you maximize the teams potential. .The Patriots have not. With the exception of 07 and this past years draft they have repeatedly traded down out of the first round and turned those picks into multiple late round picks. Example; we could have drafted any of the USC linebackers in 09 but we traded down for value and got Darius Butler and Pat Chung. They also let players walk away anytime they want to be paid (Branch, Samuel).

The only reason we were in the super bowl last year was because of Brady and the offense. Translation: A great offense allows you to beat up on bad and mediocre teams and lose to good teams. The Patriots have been playing the past 4 seasons with a great offense and pathetic defense. So excuse me for not wanting to celebrate a 14 win season in which the Pats to the Jets in our first playoff game. Go back and look at their schedule the past 3 years…Not too many quality wins. Brady is the only reason we rack up these wins and if the front office surrounded him with talent on he would have at least another super bowl, maybe two.

Note: I made it through this whole rant without profanity. Aren't you supposed to be the journalist? . Why don't you send some of your articles to the Times or the Post? I'm sure the're looking for former frat boys who like to throw in some swears to sound "cool".

P.s. I'll debate any issue in the world with you and win every time, because I strive for first place, and you celebrate mediocrity…Loser. And if you post my email address I won't care because I created it just for this email.

Sincerely, The Smartest guy in the Room

Subject: Spice

From: [NCAA basketball player]
To: Barry Petchesky

How factual is your Article on deadspin about the student athlete using spice would not be flagged in a NCAA drug test.

Subject: pasnanski gives bad head

From: Tom P.
To: The Staff

aj please find posnanski's springsteen story and please shove it in his SI sphincter

any real boss fan can see right through it .. and any real boss fan is about sick of the boss right about now - the fucker's been on tour for ten straight goddamn years and wrecking balls blows .... banker's hill? really? c'mon bruce... he's in hartford tonght and i ain't going ... he's in hartford more than jim calhoun is in the Courant's mouth

fuck you joe posnanski when you cream your load across your lapstop screen you ain't informed, you're in [fucking] heat

and you're a fucking asshole who sucked joe paterno's dead cock three years before they threw the dirt on him

Subject: Lisfranc injury article —- THAT WAS ME!

From: James Brooks
To: Jack Dickey

Dear Jack Dickey, child

After realizing you wrote a column about my e-mail rant on lisfranc injuries, I went on a bit of an emotional honeymoon. Yes, I was super fucked up on caffeine and a lack of sleep, all at the confines of my boring-ass 9-to-5. But I will say, what I said was warranted. As much as I want to hate your Columbia ass for taking what I said out of context, I can't.

I just wish you ddin't make me out to be some batshit crazy fuck with lenny kravitz album themed tattoos all over my body. I am many things, one of them is not misguided and batshit crazy. That will happen when I am old and pooping my pants.

Let's get to the chase here, meng. A lot of what you said makes no damn sense. And here's my problem with it, chiefly this line you published.

But he must not have known what a Lisfranc injury is, or looks like, because if he did, surely he wouldn't so blithely disrespect it. It is not a mere foot sprain.

So anyways, now that we're past cordialities, dickwad, (I can call you that, right? We're bro's right?!?!) Find where I said that a lisfranc wasn't a severe injury, or that it was something to be laughed at. The entirety of my bitchmongering was rooted in annoying journalists such as adam schefter namedropping "lisfranc" to sound like bill nye the fucking science guy. As in stupid ass twitter posts that have nothing to do with lisfranc injuries, such as "xx player hurt his foot, doctors say he'll be back in 2 weeks, this means it isn't a lisfranc!"

I know what a freaking lisfranc is because I referenced it as a lower foot injury in my e-mail! Didn't you think me referencing metatarsals might have been a giveaway that I was in the general ballpark? No? How about in the stadium area? No? At the very least, I was across the interstate, looking into the stadium with high powered binoculars like a sad cubs fan.

Subject: Bill O'Brien

From: Larry Eisman
To: Jack Dickey

Good afternoon Jack.

Just came across your story from January 6, 2012 regarding "Penn State's Odd Coaching Hire." I assume time has changed your perspective.

Larry S. Eisman
Class of ‘71

Subject: nice

From: Rob L
To: Jack Dickey

Well, there you go, Carolina fans. Your quarterback reenacted the plot of Blank Check. (We should add here that Newton might have been up to activities more redolent of adulthood, but because the media bullies him, he may not have wanted to reveal any of them. But, hey, maybe he does live this way!)

Good to know that any adult that likes to watch movies, play video games and go-kart (millions do all of those) is a child in your mind. So what things should adults be doing? Going out to bars, getting drunk and trying to hump every piece of ass they can find? Or maybe writing for blog sites taking shots at athletes over how they spend their free time? Yep, that's the key sign of one acting like an adult!

Way to be a moron.

Subject: Fucking On Deadspin

From: Alexander Gordon
To: Drew Magary

Dear Drew Magary,

My name is Alex Gordon and I am a big fan of Deadspin. But I have a few thoughts about the F-word and its herpetic presence on Deadspin that I'd like to share with you. Particularly, the article you wrote about Michael Wilbon's beef with Dan Steinberg called "Michael Wilbon Is A Gutless, Starfucking Crybaby Troll."

As an adult non-religious human person, I use the F-word plenty in speech as I imagine you do. But as a writer, or at the very least, as an English major, I find it really obnoxious to read. Particularly in the active form, as you so often use it, ‘fucking.'

On one hand, there's the Seinfeld thought process which says it's a flashy meaningless word, an overused crutch for the ineloquent and subverbose. It's adolescent and self-impressed, like a twelve year old smoking a cigarette, says Yeah, I'm smoking, mind your business, you're not my dad, fuck you.

On the other hand, ‘fucking' is a pretty important part of Deadspin and I understand that. It's the ‘lack of discretion' part of your creed. It's one of the words that makes Deadspin what it is. And what Deadspin is, is not-ESPN.

ESPN cannot/does not cover the hilarious, strange, NSFW marginal quirks of the sports world nor can they use the words necessary to describe them. And ‘Fucking,' as the supposedly baddest of bad words, is at the top of the list defining where ESPN ends and Deadspin begins.

And, since we're talking about the Wilbon article, it's fitting to bring up that the #1 subject ESPN cannot cover is itself. In that sense, "Michael Wilbon Is A Gutless, Starfucking Crybaby Troll" is the most Deadspinny Deadspin article ever spun.

When I first read it, I felt bad that Wilbon got such a terrible wrap. I like Wilbon. I think he's smart and funny and likably arrogant. I don't expect to like everything I read on any site, let alone one covering sports without access, favor or discretion.

But I find it hard to respect anybody who'd put pen to paper for a sentence like "Holy shit, what a bleeding hemorrhoid." Granted, the F-word is not in there. But I wonder what kind of editor looks at that phrase and says, "Yeah, let's do that." Do people actually laugh at that when they read it? Did you?

It's possible you're not interested in my respect. In fact, you're almost certainly not.

So maybe ‘respect' is the wrong word. I'm a Deadspin fan, a daily reader and even more specifically, a big fan of yours Mr Magary. It's not that reading these 'fuck-riddled' types of articles make me think you're stupid. Reading these 'fuck-riddled' types of articles makes me feel stupid.

A journalism teacher of mine once told me that people read the newspaper for the sole purpose of feeling smart. Not to be well-informed or to stay connected to the outside world, not even to be smart. Simply, to feel smart.

Deadspin is not a newspaper and this teacher is not Roy Blount Jr., but I think there's a truth to his advice. And in that sense, every time I read an article with a loud F-bomb in the title or some two-graf tirade replete with your trademark coin, "fucking douchebag," I don't feel smart. I feel dumb and stop reading the article.

To wrap up, I'm aware that Deadspin thrives on these sorts of stories and the words you use to tell them. The articles and words draw clicks, they get people talking, they make a clear point, no matter how trite. I'm also aware that my opinion and my readership are not high on your priorities, that you may find plenty to make fun of me for in this letter, or even more likely, that you probably won't read it.

But...

Please consider reducing the use of ‘fuck,' ‘fucked,' and ‘fucking' in your articles. You don't need them.

And maybe consider being a little more creative in your criticisms. Good ones are hard to write but fun to read, and I know you're capable of much better than calling someone a hemorrhoid.

Lastly, your Chopped article is absolute gold.

Big fan,

Alex Gordon
Pittsburgh, PA

PS, I am not the baseball player Alex Gordon. Fuck that dude.

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