In the spirit of Election Day, we here at Grierson & Leitch headquarters have decided to do our own formal endorsements. These are our full-throated endorsements of the cinematic candidates who have shown they have the fortitude and judgment to lead this great land.
Andrew Shepherd, The American President
America is a nation at a crossroads, looking for a leader with the courage of his convictions. That's why we're enthusiastically endorsing President Andrew Shepherd's re-election bid. Played by Oscar-winner Michael Douglas in the film The American President, he has proved himself to be a charismatic champion for gun rights and has fought to curb greenhouse gases. Plus, he has magnificent hair.
In his first term, Shepherd has weathered several storms. Although we were opposed to his strike on Libya, which seemed to be a deliberate calculation to prove his credentials as commander-in-chief to critics who singled out his lack of military experience, he has consistently demonstrated a wariness to use military might to solve international disputes. In his personal life, he heroically has raised his daughter, Lucy, following the death of his wife to cancer: a difficult job even when you're not employed as the leader of the free world. But perhaps most important of all, he has been unafraid to speak eloquently about progressive causes at a time when other politicians are cravenly rushing to the middle. Guided by his girlfriend Sydney Wade, he has remained a man of principle at a time when such qualities are usually just the stuff of Hollywood fantasies.
Shepherd is not without his faults. He tends to be a long-winded gasbag during press conferences, and he hasn't fully explained his association with known crack addicts. But he has never stopped reminding us about the rich possibilities that this country holds for every individual. He has embodied those ideals with conviction, humor, and class. America is better for his presence. Also, he was great in Traffic.
Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, Idiocracy
These trying times do not lend themselves to elevated discourse and extended Socratic inquiry. We have tried that, and that has failed: We have responded to the most thoughtful and intelligent president we have known by giving equal time to a man who sells steaks in The Sharper Image catalog. We should be given the leader we deserve: a man who, when challenged on the floor of the House of Representin', responds by firing a machine gun in the air.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho has shown wisdom and leadership, as evidenced by his cabinet selections. He has shown empathy. He understands that everyone's shit's emotional right now. He has a firm grasp of agricultural issues and climate change. Brawndo, he knows, is what plants crave. His teleprompter skills are unmatched. He has received the coveted endorsements of the Hot Naked Chicks & World Report AND the Ow! My Balls! television program. And most of all, he is organized and willing to trust the men he has put in charge. Who can forget his famous three-point plan to save the republic?
Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure.
Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE.
Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING.
This is leadership we can trust. This is the leadership we have coming.
Grierson & Leitch is a regular column about the movies. Follow us on Twitter, @griersonleitch.